Skimming the surface
So it's the third day of holidailies and I feel like I'm just skimming the surface. Of my brain, my life. It's not like there's nothing going on. It's not like all I think about is the kids. Maybe that's just easier.
Like - today Tai was home because he was diagnosed with strep on Saturday and the doctor said to be sure he wasn't contagious, keep him home until tomorrow. So it was just the three of us, and fortunately I'm still feeling better, so the thought didn't terrify me like it sometimes does. (I mean, what would you do with at 4.75 year old and an 11 month old all day long?) Tai wanted to go to the Academy of Science - and they've got a special 'winter exhibit' going on, so we went. I think my favorite part was when it started to snow inside. They'd rigged up these fans with bubble solution or soap, and they blew little bits of foam into the air and it looked just like snow. Somehow it was magic... without the cold. Tai danced in it, caught some on his tongue (swore it tasted good). It drifted in his hair, in my hair, on Miriam. There were no tantrums from any of us, even when it was time to go. Even when we were tired and hungry.
We got home, Tai napped (proving he's still a bit under the weather) and Miriam didn't. But we all kept it together. When he woke up we played with a balloon and had this touching exchange:
Me (after being hit in the face with the balloon): Oh, my beautiful face!
Tai (not meanly, just matter-of-fact): You don't have a beautiful face.
Me: I don't?
Tai: No. Your shirt is beautiful, not your face.
I mean, with that kind of love, who wants to delve deep? Who wants to think about the fact that Tom and I don't know how to argue with each other while staying respectful of each other? Or that I sometimes wonder whether maybe I'm gay, not bi? Or that I want to make a meaningful contribution in my life time - I want to help, to heal, something more than be 'just' a mom - and I have no idea how? A lot of time I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, trying to go somewhere, but stuck in park. What am I doing with my life? How can I be approaching 40 and not know?
Let's get back to the cute kid stories, right?
Like - today Tai was home because he was diagnosed with strep on Saturday and the doctor said to be sure he wasn't contagious, keep him home until tomorrow. So it was just the three of us, and fortunately I'm still feeling better, so the thought didn't terrify me like it sometimes does. (I mean, what would you do with at 4.75 year old and an 11 month old all day long?) Tai wanted to go to the Academy of Science - and they've got a special 'winter exhibit' going on, so we went. I think my favorite part was when it started to snow inside. They'd rigged up these fans with bubble solution or soap, and they blew little bits of foam into the air and it looked just like snow. Somehow it was magic... without the cold. Tai danced in it, caught some on his tongue (swore it tasted good). It drifted in his hair, in my hair, on Miriam. There were no tantrums from any of us, even when it was time to go. Even when we were tired and hungry.
We got home, Tai napped (proving he's still a bit under the weather) and Miriam didn't. But we all kept it together. When he woke up we played with a balloon and had this touching exchange:
Me (after being hit in the face with the balloon): Oh, my beautiful face!
Tai (not meanly, just matter-of-fact): You don't have a beautiful face.
Me: I don't?
Tai: No. Your shirt is beautiful, not your face.
I mean, with that kind of love, who wants to delve deep? Who wants to think about the fact that Tom and I don't know how to argue with each other while staying respectful of each other? Or that I sometimes wonder whether maybe I'm gay, not bi? Or that I want to make a meaningful contribution in my life time - I want to help, to heal, something more than be 'just' a mom - and I have no idea how? A lot of time I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, trying to go somewhere, but stuck in park. What am I doing with my life? How can I be approaching 40 and not know?
Let's get back to the cute kid stories, right?