That went... less well
I hadn't talked to Mom since we got together on Monday and I told her about the HBAC plan. We were both a little busy, and probably we were both avoiding things a little bit, to let us settle. Today I called her, because she had a couple of meetings this week and I was wondering how they went. We met up for lunch. So we sit down, do a little chit chat, she tells me about one of the meetings and then she says, "So, I bet that wasn't what you wanted to talk about." Cue blank look, because actually it was. I told her it was, and asked what she thought I wanted to talk about. She said the birth. I said I hadn't really planned on it, that I was mostly just wanting to catch up. She obviously did want to talk about it - and I said that we could if she wanted to. Needless to say, she is still not happy about my decision. She said she could barely prepare for her meeting that evening because she was concerned about this. She did a ton of (internet) research and it all freaked her out. She wanted to share the reasons she thought HBAC is a bad idea.
Which are many - but all boil down to -
From her research of the medical studies, which she is going to forward to me - I have basically a 1 in 200 chance of uterine rupture, which means death of me, a 1 in 5 chance of death of the baby, or cerebral palsy for the baby (or some other catastrophic health outcome for the baby). She said there are no medical professionals who believe someone should have a HBAC - the only people who support it are people who have not been medically trained and aren't people who have had to deal with 'fixing someone when something went wrong'. She's convinced that I have stuck my head in the sand about all of this - and there is no reason for taking a 1 in 200 chance of dying. Apparently one of the doctors (? maybe just a guy writing an article, I haven't seen it yet) likened HBAC to Russian Roulette - that there are 100 chambers rather than one. She says this is a good analogy.
Not only am I taking chances with my life, with the baby's life, but also with Tai's life because I am risking him living without a mother.
Basically, Mom pulled out all the guilt guns and let me have it. She's like, "I am not trying to *make* you do anything." Um, right. She just doesn't think I know or understand the risk. She says I'm burying my head in the sand and operating out of fear of things going differently than I want in the hospital, and wanting to have a full nurturing mothering experience - both of which are not good enough to balance out this 1 in 200 risk.
I'm not sure what to do about this. She was talking about how "traumatized" (her word) she has been about this decision. At first I tried to explain that I *do* understand the risk. That there is risky stuff in life and this is a risk I believe in taking. She both doesn't agree, and doesn't believe me. I can't argue that it *isn't* risky and I can't argue that HBAC is safer than hospital birth. I just don't have the numbers to back me up. And I don't think I could convince her anyway. I could say nothing, and ask her to say nothing... but I'm not sure this would be very good for our relationship. I could let her say what she wants and not say anything back - but it's wearying.
I ended up trying to explain, then giving up and just saying, Uh huh. I mean, I'll read what she sends me. She wants me to see if I can have Sue be my doula and make my birth at the hospital be almost like a home birth. I guess I can ask.... but hospital birth won't be like home birth.
I have this decision made - but for the first time I am *really* wondering what it will mean for our relationship. On my part as much as hers. I mean, this is putting a wedge between us that wasn't there before. I don't know how close I can be with her during this pregnancy/birth if she's constantly trying to convince me that I'm dooming myself and/or Slyko... And I'm having a tough time hanging with my decision when she is pushing so hard against it. I am doing what is right for me... but. That 'but' is new.
In another unfortunate timing incident, we are supposed to be going away to a church retreat together this weekend. I'd forgotten that I agreed to it ages ago. In the meantime, I've rarely gone to the church and I'm feeling more drawn to Judaism than Christianity. So it's feeling a little awkward to do this. And now we've got this issue hanging between us and we are going to be rooming together, and I don't really know anyone else who is going to be there. Fuck. Not to mention, the pastor who has been leading the church while the usual guy is on sabbatical is going to be riding out with us, so we won't even be able to talk in the car. On the one hand, that's good - no talking about it! On the other, that's bad - both of us have a lot of emotion around this.
I'm wondering if it's too late to cancel. I'd probably have to pay for the retreat (not sure how much it costs, Mom paid) and Tom would be pissed that I'll be wasting money. I just don't know how we're going to live together at the moment.
Which are many - but all boil down to -
From her research of the medical studies, which she is going to forward to me - I have basically a 1 in 200 chance of uterine rupture, which means death of me, a 1 in 5 chance of death of the baby, or cerebral palsy for the baby (or some other catastrophic health outcome for the baby). She said there are no medical professionals who believe someone should have a HBAC - the only people who support it are people who have not been medically trained and aren't people who have had to deal with 'fixing someone when something went wrong'. She's convinced that I have stuck my head in the sand about all of this - and there is no reason for taking a 1 in 200 chance of dying. Apparently one of the doctors (? maybe just a guy writing an article, I haven't seen it yet) likened HBAC to Russian Roulette - that there are 100 chambers rather than one. She says this is a good analogy.
Not only am I taking chances with my life, with the baby's life, but also with Tai's life because I am risking him living without a mother.
Basically, Mom pulled out all the guilt guns and let me have it. She's like, "I am not trying to *make* you do anything." Um, right. She just doesn't think I know or understand the risk. She says I'm burying my head in the sand and operating out of fear of things going differently than I want in the hospital, and wanting to have a full nurturing mothering experience - both of which are not good enough to balance out this 1 in 200 risk.
I'm not sure what to do about this. She was talking about how "traumatized" (her word) she has been about this decision. At first I tried to explain that I *do* understand the risk. That there is risky stuff in life and this is a risk I believe in taking. She both doesn't agree, and doesn't believe me. I can't argue that it *isn't* risky and I can't argue that HBAC is safer than hospital birth. I just don't have the numbers to back me up. And I don't think I could convince her anyway. I could say nothing, and ask her to say nothing... but I'm not sure this would be very good for our relationship. I could let her say what she wants and not say anything back - but it's wearying.
I ended up trying to explain, then giving up and just saying, Uh huh. I mean, I'll read what she sends me. She wants me to see if I can have Sue be my doula and make my birth at the hospital be almost like a home birth. I guess I can ask.... but hospital birth won't be like home birth.
I have this decision made - but for the first time I am *really* wondering what it will mean for our relationship. On my part as much as hers. I mean, this is putting a wedge between us that wasn't there before. I don't know how close I can be with her during this pregnancy/birth if she's constantly trying to convince me that I'm dooming myself and/or Slyko... And I'm having a tough time hanging with my decision when she is pushing so hard against it. I am doing what is right for me... but. That 'but' is new.
In another unfortunate timing incident, we are supposed to be going away to a church retreat together this weekend. I'd forgotten that I agreed to it ages ago. In the meantime, I've rarely gone to the church and I'm feeling more drawn to Judaism than Christianity. So it's feeling a little awkward to do this. And now we've got this issue hanging between us and we are going to be rooming together, and I don't really know anyone else who is going to be there. Fuck. Not to mention, the pastor who has been leading the church while the usual guy is on sabbatical is going to be riding out with us, so we won't even be able to talk in the car. On the one hand, that's good - no talking about it! On the other, that's bad - both of us have a lot of emotion around this.
I'm wondering if it's too late to cancel. I'd probably have to pay for the retreat (not sure how much it costs, Mom paid) and Tom would be pissed that I'll be wasting money. I just don't know how we're going to live together at the moment.