Long Week
It's been a tough day. I am hoping that tomorrow is better.
Last week, while Tom and Tai went down to San Diego for Thanksgiving (and I stayed home because we had nowhere to board the dogs), both of them got a cold. Fortunately, Tai was feeling better by the time they came back on Saturday. But when I picked him up from school on Monday, he had a fever. Cue days of fever. He seems to feel better in the morning when he wakes up with no fever until lunch, then fever until I give him meds just before dinner time. Then he's fine again until late at night, or the next day at lunch. I took him to the pediatrician today to check for ear infection or sinus infection. The doctor said he probably had two different viruses in a row. Poor kidlet. He seemed better until lunch again - even asking to go out to play for a little while - but then was worse. After his nap, he had a couple episodes of coughing, then gagging, then throwing up a little. I think it was just mucus and fever triggered, as usual... but I'm not sure. And it freaked me out, because I wasn't sure. I haven't been that freaked out in a while - full on heart-pounding, hands shaking, cold sweat panic attack. I managed to keep it together for Tai, but it was so tough. I called Tom, wondering when he could come home, but didn't end up needing it. Fortunately, it was just twice that Tai did it. Then he ate dinner and so far he seems okay again.
I was talking with twirlgrrl online tonight, and we got on the topic of faults. I said that I wish I could pick mine. Or, more accurately, trade in a fault for one I'd prefer. The fault? My overactive anxiety. I almost wish I would have *any* other fault, but then decided that I could end up as 'too selfish to be a good mom'. It's so fucking hard to be there for Tai when I am falling to pieces. I just sat with him on the couch and while he watched Zoboomafoo, I told myself over and over that *I* am the adult, and I need to suck it up and be calm. This is a moment of my life, it is not the rest of my days. Tai will feel better, I will calm down. Even if I get sick, it will pass.
I also reminded myself of something I realized in therapy last week. I was talking with Wendy about having another kid, and how one of the main reasons I worried about having kids was because I would be more anxious about stomach flu. What suddenly realized was that I will be anxious anyway - I could either be anxious with kids, or without. With kids I get all of the amazing joy, without - I would miss that experience.
How could I miss this? How could I let the phobia keep me from such love? Even when Tai is sick, he is so sweet. He says he loves me, and cuddles, and hugs me. He sings "Happy Birthday" to me, because my birthday is coming soon. (In February, heh.) He teases me and when he smiles, it's impossible not to feel better myself.
I still feel edgy and uncomfortable, but I am going to keep it together. I might not be able to trade away this anxiety, but I do not have to let it run my life. Or Tai's life. I will *not* let it hurt him.
A couple of tiny funny moments:
When I asked him about school last week, he said, "The teacher didn't tell anybody to learn anything."
On Sunday Tom and Tai were working on a house project upstairs - rebuilding a closet upstairs. From the livingroom, where I am writing, I hear:
Tom: "I'm going to show you how to use something. It's called a nail gun."
Tai: "What's a nail gun?"
My thoughts Nail gun + toddler = disaster. Why show him how to use a nail gun? At least Tom told him that he can only use it with Daddy or Mommy.
Last week, while Tom and Tai went down to San Diego for Thanksgiving (and I stayed home because we had nowhere to board the dogs), both of them got a cold. Fortunately, Tai was feeling better by the time they came back on Saturday. But when I picked him up from school on Monday, he had a fever. Cue days of fever. He seems to feel better in the morning when he wakes up with no fever until lunch, then fever until I give him meds just before dinner time. Then he's fine again until late at night, or the next day at lunch. I took him to the pediatrician today to check for ear infection or sinus infection. The doctor said he probably had two different viruses in a row. Poor kidlet. He seemed better until lunch again - even asking to go out to play for a little while - but then was worse. After his nap, he had a couple episodes of coughing, then gagging, then throwing up a little. I think it was just mucus and fever triggered, as usual... but I'm not sure. And it freaked me out, because I wasn't sure. I haven't been that freaked out in a while - full on heart-pounding, hands shaking, cold sweat panic attack. I managed to keep it together for Tai, but it was so tough. I called Tom, wondering when he could come home, but didn't end up needing it. Fortunately, it was just twice that Tai did it. Then he ate dinner and so far he seems okay again.
I was talking with twirlgrrl online tonight, and we got on the topic of faults. I said that I wish I could pick mine. Or, more accurately, trade in a fault for one I'd prefer. The fault? My overactive anxiety. I almost wish I would have *any* other fault, but then decided that I could end up as 'too selfish to be a good mom'. It's so fucking hard to be there for Tai when I am falling to pieces. I just sat with him on the couch and while he watched Zoboomafoo, I told myself over and over that *I* am the adult, and I need to suck it up and be calm. This is a moment of my life, it is not the rest of my days. Tai will feel better, I will calm down. Even if I get sick, it will pass.
I also reminded myself of something I realized in therapy last week. I was talking with Wendy about having another kid, and how one of the main reasons I worried about having kids was because I would be more anxious about stomach flu. What suddenly realized was that I will be anxious anyway - I could either be anxious with kids, or without. With kids I get all of the amazing joy, without - I would miss that experience.
How could I miss this? How could I let the phobia keep me from such love? Even when Tai is sick, he is so sweet. He says he loves me, and cuddles, and hugs me. He sings "Happy Birthday" to me, because my birthday is coming soon. (In February, heh.) He teases me and when he smiles, it's impossible not to feel better myself.
I still feel edgy and uncomfortable, but I am going to keep it together. I might not be able to trade away this anxiety, but I do not have to let it run my life. Or Tai's life. I will *not* let it hurt him.
A couple of tiny funny moments:
When I asked him about school last week, he said, "The teacher didn't tell anybody to learn anything."
On Sunday Tom and Tai were working on a house project upstairs - rebuilding a closet upstairs. From the livingroom, where I am writing, I hear:
Tom: "I'm going to show you how to use something. It's called a nail gun."
Tai: "What's a nail gun?"
My thoughts Nail gun + toddler = disaster. Why show him how to use a nail gun? At least Tom told him that he can only use it with Daddy or Mommy.