Christmas leftovers
When she aswers the phone now, she twists the hand set away from her ear, i tried to get her to correct it but even when she does it, it twists back naturally.She was spooning the meat into the pan as she couldn't get it out the bag properly.
I don't want to sit and watch her go mad. I can't bear it. I can't bear thinking that this is all life will ever be, waiting for one disaster after another.
I went away to France with Andrew for new year. I couldn't wait for it, was counting down to it. I enjoyed it, but I kept having panic attacks.I kept feeling lonely. I was thinking too much, while Andrew did things like read. Then i'd start to lose my temper, and i'd reaslise that this is what i always do. Always ruin things when nothing's wrong. So i'd sit there panicking and feeling desperate. I was scared that I'd yell at him and everything would go wrong, and he wouldn't want me. I kept wanting to explain it to him, so he'd realise and be able to understand, but there was never the right time. We were always surrounded by people, never found any excuse to go off by ourselves. when we were alone, i felt like it was always the wrong time, and I knew he wouldn't know what to say and feel akward. Then I'd get scared that I'd drive him away by fussing so much, drive him mad like i did to Toby. that i'd make him hate me like everyone else does.
So I kept my mouth shut, and I panicked. I lost my temper when he and ali discussed cricket, or when he and ryan went off for walks, beacuse i felt like i had nothing to say to him. I wasn't clever or interesting, or had any of the same interests. I started to panic that all I was, was a pretty girl, and sooner or later he'd realise that and on top of how metal and crazy I was he'd just drop it. Drop me.
And the stupid thing was, I felt like i'd started to care about him. I kept wondering if i loved him or not, and whether he felt the same way. And if he didn't then i should just walk away before i got hurt. I started wondering if when we got back i should end it. just say, It's not working, and leave it. And then i thought of all the lonely nights, all the rubbish that could happen to me and how horrible it is having no -one to lean on. How if this went wrong then i'd go mad and lose Ben, ifuriate Roxy, terrify simon.
I feel like i get no emotion from him. I feel like there's alot i want to know, i'm desperate to share things with him, but he shares so little I feel like i'm gabbing away. I want him to understand how hard it is for me to keep calm. to be normal. I want to warm him what i total fucked up mess I am beacuse i know that i can't keep the impression of sane up for much longer.
And then i feel like a total fucking shit for being such a fucking handful, and maybe he'd be better off with out me anyway.
I can't stop anything hurting anymore. I look at pictures of May and Toby and I feel this sense of loss so huge. I don;t want toby back, but i dont want to be hated by him anymore. I feel like i've got a disease and it's only so long before someone sees and can't bear me with it. It makes me panic that i this capacity to scare and terrify and I don't want it.
I don't want it to be part of me anymore. I don't want to be me anymore. I'm too scared. I still wish that I wasn't here. But it's another year and I'm supposedly moving on with my life, but i wish that i wasn't.
I don't want to sit and watch her go mad. I can't bear it. I can't bear thinking that this is all life will ever be, waiting for one disaster after another.
I went away to France with Andrew for new year. I couldn't wait for it, was counting down to it. I enjoyed it, but I kept having panic attacks.I kept feeling lonely. I was thinking too much, while Andrew did things like read. Then i'd start to lose my temper, and i'd reaslise that this is what i always do. Always ruin things when nothing's wrong. So i'd sit there panicking and feeling desperate. I was scared that I'd yell at him and everything would go wrong, and he wouldn't want me. I kept wanting to explain it to him, so he'd realise and be able to understand, but there was never the right time. We were always surrounded by people, never found any excuse to go off by ourselves. when we were alone, i felt like it was always the wrong time, and I knew he wouldn't know what to say and feel akward. Then I'd get scared that I'd drive him away by fussing so much, drive him mad like i did to Toby. that i'd make him hate me like everyone else does.
So I kept my mouth shut, and I panicked. I lost my temper when he and ali discussed cricket, or when he and ryan went off for walks, beacuse i felt like i had nothing to say to him. I wasn't clever or interesting, or had any of the same interests. I started to panic that all I was, was a pretty girl, and sooner or later he'd realise that and on top of how metal and crazy I was he'd just drop it. Drop me.
And the stupid thing was, I felt like i'd started to care about him. I kept wondering if i loved him or not, and whether he felt the same way. And if he didn't then i should just walk away before i got hurt. I started wondering if when we got back i should end it. just say, It's not working, and leave it. And then i thought of all the lonely nights, all the rubbish that could happen to me and how horrible it is having no -one to lean on. How if this went wrong then i'd go mad and lose Ben, ifuriate Roxy, terrify simon.
I feel like i get no emotion from him. I feel like there's alot i want to know, i'm desperate to share things with him, but he shares so little I feel like i'm gabbing away. I want him to understand how hard it is for me to keep calm. to be normal. I want to warm him what i total fucked up mess I am beacuse i know that i can't keep the impression of sane up for much longer.
And then i feel like a total fucking shit for being such a fucking handful, and maybe he'd be better off with out me anyway.
I can't stop anything hurting anymore. I look at pictures of May and Toby and I feel this sense of loss so huge. I don;t want toby back, but i dont want to be hated by him anymore. I feel like i've got a disease and it's only so long before someone sees and can't bear me with it. It makes me panic that i this capacity to scare and terrify and I don't want it.
I don't want it to be part of me anymore. I don't want to be me anymore. I'm too scared. I still wish that I wasn't here. But it's another year and I'm supposedly moving on with my life, but i wish that i wasn't.