Wow
I just need to vent, it's been a long time since I've written and I figured people are sick of me talking.
I'm involved with an engaged man and I don't know what to do - and I say involved because we've never given what we are a title. I can't mess around with other people because a) they don't interest me and b) I feel like I'm cheating. I feel like a horrible person when I think about his fiancee and their baby, but when I'm with him I get selfish and I can only think about myself and how much I love being with him.
I have to leave school soon, well Minneapolis anyway. I really think that I might fuck with my work schedule so I can be up here as much as possible. Both of my roomates are living up here, which is going to push Serena and I even further apart than we already are. I'm afraid for that. I don't want to go home. I miss my family but I don't think I can survive under their roof for nearly three months. I have to ask my grandparents for $1100 for rent by 6/1. I'm afraid I'm not going to get along with Jess and Serena after this summer and I'm afraid I'm going to miss a lot by being home. I know I'm going to miss John like crazy and it's going to KILL me not to be with him. I'm so fjksd;jflsdj;lkfa I don't even know... frustrated? Depressed? I KNOW that he will never leave her to be with me. It didn't bother me forever and now it is bothing me. I do believe that he doesn't love her, because I cannot see how he could do this if he did. But I know that he doesn't love me either. And he cannot leave her because she gave him the one thing he loves more than anything in the world and that is his son. I think he feels that he owes staying with Sonia to his son, so that his son can have that family. And I think he wants to have a family and not cheat on her. I don't know how he and I will end though. There's so much emotion invested with each other right now. I'm not in love, but I fear it's only because I'm not letting myself. I don't even think I'd want him to leave her for me. I'm not ready for that kind of commitment and I probably never will be. I sometimes wonder if I will end up alone for the rest of my life. Now I'm crying so I think I will go to bed.
None of this will make sense to anyone but me lol.
I'm involved with an engaged man and I don't know what to do - and I say involved because we've never given what we are a title. I can't mess around with other people because a) they don't interest me and b) I feel like I'm cheating. I feel like a horrible person when I think about his fiancee and their baby, but when I'm with him I get selfish and I can only think about myself and how much I love being with him.
I have to leave school soon, well Minneapolis anyway. I really think that I might fuck with my work schedule so I can be up here as much as possible. Both of my roomates are living up here, which is going to push Serena and I even further apart than we already are. I'm afraid for that. I don't want to go home. I miss my family but I don't think I can survive under their roof for nearly three months. I have to ask my grandparents for $1100 for rent by 6/1. I'm afraid I'm not going to get along with Jess and Serena after this summer and I'm afraid I'm going to miss a lot by being home. I know I'm going to miss John like crazy and it's going to KILL me not to be with him. I'm so fjksd;jflsdj;lkfa I don't even know... frustrated? Depressed? I KNOW that he will never leave her to be with me. It didn't bother me forever and now it is bothing me. I do believe that he doesn't love her, because I cannot see how he could do this if he did. But I know that he doesn't love me either. And he cannot leave her because she gave him the one thing he loves more than anything in the world and that is his son. I think he feels that he owes staying with Sonia to his son, so that his son can have that family. And I think he wants to have a family and not cheat on her. I don't know how he and I will end though. There's so much emotion invested with each other right now. I'm not in love, but I fear it's only because I'm not letting myself. I don't even think I'd want him to leave her for me. I'm not ready for that kind of commitment and I probably never will be. I sometimes wonder if I will end up alone for the rest of my life. Now I'm crying so I think I will go to bed.
None of this will make sense to anyone but me lol.