For the time
I have two gears lately...depressed or angry. Why? Why do I feel this way? I don't know. I am tensed up, not enjoying anything, and looking at everything for an attack from somewhere. So yeah I guess paranoid too. Looks like dysthymia strikes again. This time it is different I have a job to worry about and classes are coming up. Restless,
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Sounds like you are suffering from Holiday Syndrome (I'm not making this up!). This is the time of year when everyone is supposed to be happy...supposed to be righteous, loving, caring, and sweet. For me, it is the time of year in which I am most reminded who hypocritical most people are. Assholes who spend the entire year berating people are suddenly providing gift certificates and saying nice things. People who are shopping for presents for their loved ones are, in the process of doing so, cutting others off, cursing at them, speeding and being nuisances (at best) or threats to existence (at worst).
This is the time of year eveyrone is supposed to slow down, take stock of the good things in life. SO why is it that everything seems like it's on fast forward, everyone is antsy, as if expecting a bomb attack?
Mike, what you are experiencing is a good thing, believe it or not. You are seeing human beings for who they are. Good and bad. You are seeing them at their worst when they should be at their best. It is contributing to your feelings of confusion, restlessness and anger. You probably want to shut your bedroom door, lock it and keep all outside noise and interference on the other side. All of this makes you feel a bit guilty, because this SHOULD be a time for rejoicing and happy, happy, joy, joy stuff...and all you see is the hypocracy. Thus, you are on edge, unfocused and feeling a bit guilty. Why CAN'T life be all sweet and kind?
Know this, my friend...we ALL feel this way from time to time, and mostly around the holidays. Hang in there...and when in doubt, remember what the True Gentleman tells us. It might not be the perfect system, but it isn't meant to be...and neither are we.
Hang in there, brother. GREAT BIG HUG! And take some time for yourself...guilt-free time for yourself. :) Sounds like you get little of that...and it never hurts to play hookie once in a while! :)
Joe
P.S. You can call me anytime, you know. Email me. Whatever.
P.P.S. I got a really nice thank you from the charity you shaved your head for. It reminded me of those people less fortunate than me and made me feel really good knowing that I was able to help them, but moreso, that there are people like you, Mike, who will make physical sacrifices for others. YOU are a hero...flawed like all heroes (humans)...but a hero nonetheless. DO NOT FORGET THAT!
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I am doing a bit more than hanging on. I have a foot hold. I am on my way.
Just a question though where does self-esteem come from?
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Self esteem comes from listening to your friends and loved ones tell you that you're pretty special...even when you don't believe it...but in your heart really WANTING to believe it.
Self esteem comes from remembering all the beautiful things you have created in your life...the positive things you have given to strangers and, as corny as it sounds, those random acts of kindness you perform when you really don't have to. It is recognizing that, sometimes, you don't WANT to be kind, you WANT to be selfish...and realizing that this, too, is okay, because you know that you aren't in that mode of thought most of the time.
Comment: Mike, you already are a hero...you don't have to try. Being a hero isn't something you set out to do...it is simply who you are. Did you HAVE to shave your head for a bunch of sick, bald strangers you don't know who, to be honest, might not be around much longer anyway? What you did, from a self-defacing point of view, was get a hair cut. What REALLY happened is that, but offering to shave your head for this cause, you inspired people across the country to give to a charity that is fighting to discover a cure to save the lives of some of these people...and kids who haven't even been born yet. I'm so proud of you, Mike. I wouldn't have given to the cause if I didn't believe in it or your efforts to raise awareness in the organization. THAT is what makes a hero...that is builds self-esteem. Not what I say...but believing in the good you do...and wanting to do more.
My best friend often says that one man can't change the world, but one man can change HIS world and those around him...and THAT can lead to more people changing their worlds...which can, eventually, change the entire world view.
He's right.
I'm glad you're more than hanging on...that you have a foot hold and that you are on your way. Just remember that no one goes his way alone and we are all here if you feel yourself getting tired or overwhelmed. Goodness knows I depend on my friends a great deal and I'm glad to do it! They appreciate it as well, believe it or not...although if they have to hear me say my writing sucks one more time, I'm sure they'll shoot me. :\
Merry Christmas, Mike. May they be safe, warm and filled with love.
Joe
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