Another Again
in preparation of lji (and possibly nano)... and because sometimes i guess i have to do these things myself =P
***
Mara’s first thought upon arriving at the bright yellow house was that it wasn’t a complete dump like she originally expected. The house was large -- not quite mansion-sized, but comfortably spacious. However, she was also well aware that outward appearances weren’t everything, and still steeled herself before walking inside.
She knew that she watched too much television. She expected to be greeted by chaos; maybe there would be a man walking around with no pants on, or a woman sitting in the corner jabbering to herself. Instead, a young woman in a t-shirt and a pair of jeans met Mara at the door, and ushered her into the house with an impossibly large smile on her face.
“Hi, my name is Rachael,” the young woman said, still smiling. “Welcome.”
Mara smiled slightly, still apprehensive. “Thanks. I’m Mara.”
“Well, hi there, Mara. That’s such a pretty name. What brings you here today?”
“Uh, well, I’m here to see Freddie Gibson. He tells me that today is an open house type of thing?”
Rachael looked at Mara questioningly. “Huh, well... everyday is open house for us. We really encourage our residents to keep in touch with their loved ones. Having a strong support structure is really an important thing.”
Mara didn’t respond as she tried to swallow the growing lump in her throat. Rachael continued speaking as she began to walk towards the main office of the house. Mara followed.
“You say that you’re here to see Freddie today? I’ll need to you sign in on our visitors’ log first though.” Rachael guided Mara toward the book and handed her a visitor’s badge after she signed in.
“Freddie is staying in room 302, sweetheart, which is in that direction,” Rachael said as she waved her hand off to her left. “Let me know if you need anything, okay?”
Mara nodded and smiled in response, and then began walking off into the direction of Freddie’s room. As she walked up the hallway, she glanced into the rooms of the other residents. Some were reading, others were writing. She passed a rec room, where a few were simply watching television.
She finally reached Freddie’s room, and knocked on the door, even though it was slightly ajar.
“Come in!” Freddie’s deep voice called. Mara froze for a second -- she’d almost forgotten what his voice sounded like.
She paused, and then pushed the door all the way open. Freddie was sitting on his bed, reading a book. He looked up, and his eyes widened.
“Marabee,” he whispered, forgetting that she hated that nickname. “Mara... you, you came. I didn’t think you’d actually come,” Freddie rambled. “Well, please, come in, sit down.”
Mara looked around the room. There was a bed, a nightstand, a desk, and a chair covered with clothing. “I think I’ll stand for now,” she said. She stayed in the doorway.
Freddie sat up. “How have you been? How’s... how’s Rianne? You didn’t bring her.”
“Rianne is fine. She’s at my mom’s for the day. I wasn’t sure... I didn’t want to...”
“You didn’t want to bring her into the loony bin?”
“I guess I didn’t know what to expect.”
Freddie sighed. “I told you I was staying in a nice place. You could have brought Rianne.”
“Freddie, the last time I saw you, you were on the street. I’ve never been sure of your definition of ‘nice.’” Mara stopped, eyes widened. She was shocked at her words, even though their relationship had been built on sarcasm and gentle chiding. But that was before before. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that. Fuck, I’m supposed to be supportive. How are you? How have you been?”
He gave a dry chuckle. “It’s okay. I’ve... I’ve been to hell and back, but I’m better than I was. Good, even. Medication and therapy have been doing wonders. My doctor has me writing, too. Never thought I’d enjoy it, but I do.”
“What do you write about?” Mara asked, thankful for the subject change.
“I write about you and Rianne.” He took a deep breath and exhaled. “I write about coming home... and our future together.” Freddie looked up, hopeful. “I want to come home, Marabee. I know that you’re scared, and probably angry with me, and I don’t really blame you. But... but I’ve got my meds under control, and I’ve got a great therapist, and I don’t want to miss anymore of Rianne’s life. She’s my daughter, and I want to be her dad. I want to be her happy and healthy father.
“And you’re the love of my life, Mara. One day, I want to be your happy and healthy husband.”
Without a word, Mara began walking across the room to sit on the bed next to Freddie. She had a million questions for him. Freddie, can you handle the stress of an infant? Can I trust you alone with our baby? Can I depend on you to not hurt yourself or us?
Mara recalled Freddie’s sudden paranoia after Rianne was born. He truly thought that the world was out to get him, and the constant noise of a newborn only exacerbated his symptoms. She thought back to the quiet moments when Rianne was finally sleeping, and how they were interrupted with his rants of the cell phone signals trying to intercept his thoughts. Freddie often holed himself up in their bedroom, sitting in the dark, because he didn’t want the outsiders to see him.
And then she thought back to his eventual inability to care for himself. Mara tried to remind him that, yes, he needed to come out and help her with the baby... that she couldn’t do it on her own.
And then it came to a point where she didn’t know how to take care of him and a newborn, so she told him to leave.
Each time she heard her words reverberate in her head -- “Freddie, get out” -- the guilt ate at another small part of her. Mara tried to convince herself that she was only looking out for Rianne’s safety and well-being, but how well off were they really, one without her father and the other without her other half?
Pushing the bad memories away, Mara looked Freddie in the eye and asked, “Can I read what you wrote?”
Freddie flipped to a page in his notebook and handed it to Mara. She leaned into him as she began to read.
***
Once upon a time, before the nightmares and the voices and the fear, there lived two friends named Freddie and Mara, and they were going to have a baby. They were going to call her Rianne.
One night, Freddie came home to the small apartment he shared with Mara. She was eight months pregnant, and working on Rianne’s nursery. It was a small space, but Mara had spent nearly every waking hour for the past two months working on the room, making it was absolutely perfect for what would be their perfect child.
“It looks great in here, Mara,” Freddie said. “Why don’t you lay down for a bit?”
Knowing that she would protest, most likely saying that she needed five more minutes to hang up one more thing, Freddie took her hand and led her out of the room and into their bedroom. “Rest your feet,” he said as she laid down on the bed. He sat down on the bed too, and just looked at her. He didn’t say anything.
Mara caught him looking at her. “What’s on your mind?”
“We’re going to have a baby.”
She laughed. “Yup, there’s no turning back now.” And as if on cue, she began to rub her belly and whisper, “I think we’re ready for you, baby girl.”
“We’re more than ready,” Freddie said, smiling. He was hopeful and terrified all at once. A baby girl, he thought. He sighed to himself. Rianne, I might not be completely ready for you, but I will love you and guard you with all of my heart.
Mara had heard his light sigh and knew automatically what he was thinking. “Sweetie, I’m scared, too. But we have each other and we’ll be okay. All three of us,” she said, looking down at her belly again. She looked calm. Her calmness seemed to betray her words.
Freddie climbed into the bed fully, and Mara took that as her cue to cuddle into him... trying almost to bury herself inside of him. He wrapped one arm around her, and touched her belly with his other hand.
He closed his eyes, and he felt a wave of... something... wash over him. For a moment, everything was still as Freddie considered how much closer he had grown to Mara in the wake of their happy accident. And he would not have changed it for a thing.
Contentment, he suddenly thought. He wasn’t entirely sure how the two of them had arrived at that exact moment, but it was a moment the fell outside the realm of his wildest dreams and deepest desires.
And so, before the nightmares and the voices and the fear began, the world was still as Freddie and Mara fell asleep just like that, with him holding her and their unborn child in between them. Everything was right and in its right place, and it was a moment that he would have chosen to live in again and again.
***
Mara held back tears as she finished reading. She closed his journal and said, “I forgot about that.” She sighed and looked up at him. “Everything was so good then.”
Freddie put his arm around her, and she relaxed her body ever so slightly. “I’ve got this under control, Mara. I’m ready to come home,” he said. “But... but I’ll need your help too.”
“Yes, I love you, and I will do whatever it takes to keep you happy and healthy,” Mara whispered. “Please come home.” She choked out a sob, and threw her arms around him, holding him tightly. “We need you.”
Freddie leaned back onto the bed, bringing Mara down with him. He held her as she cried, and he shed a few tears of his own. However, it wasn’t long before she curled up into him and drifted to sleep.
He knew that contentment and the still moments that came with it were only fleeting memories, and sometimes nothing more than words scrawled into a spiral-bound journal. But even if their world was turned upside down, he thought that he would gladly live in this moment again and again as he followed Mara into a dreamless sleep.