Hello! I'm ephemeralbreath and I'll be one of your editors this week.
I wanted to start this off by saying first and foremost, when it comes to writing and especially poetry, much of how things are formatted and written is expressly controlled by the writer, so just keep in mind that almost everything I'm going to be saying is just my opinion on it. Anyway, I'm sure you know this already, so let's get on with the editing! -rubs hands together-
So the way I do editing is to go through and read the piece, making comments on lines as I go, then going back and making additional comments after I finish. Here we go:
the folds on my skin I think using "of" here instead of "on" would be more appropriate.
and kiss the corner Use "corners" here, because there are multiple "joints" in the next line.
Only imprints / of the imprinted wings These were the only lines that felt a little off to me, and I'm pretty sure it's because of the use of the word "imprint" twice so close together. I just feel like I don't know where you're going with the repetition, other than a clever way to use the same word in two ways, but it just seems too distracting to me to be worth it.
Like a muffled lullaby I would end the line here with a comma.
I like how you placed "Mother" in its own line because the baby's world at the moment is its mother, and she is the only thing it knows. I also noticed, whether intentional or not, that it is almost at the center of the poem. :)
I think looking at how important certain words are is a great method to determine where lines should begin and end, and you should keep this in mind all throughout the poem. The lengths of sentences can also be a good indication of which parts are most important, so play around with having mostly uniform lengths and fewer short lines and even fewer long ones.
As she carries you I would also use a comma after this line.
I love the last stanza. I can just imagine the reading speeding up at "for the whispering voices" and slowing down at "you've yet to come into."
Overall, your piece was poignant and it was a pleasure to read. I think that when writing a poem, you have to keep in mind that there are only so many words; it's how you choose them and how you use them that make them into poetry. And most of all, that in the end, it is yours to write and yours to share, however you want it to be.
I wanted to start this off by saying first and foremost, when it comes to writing and especially poetry, much of how things are formatted and written is expressly controlled by the writer, so just keep in mind that almost everything I'm going to be saying is just my opinion on it. Anyway, I'm sure you know this already, so let's get on with the editing! -rubs hands together-
So the way I do editing is to go through and read the piece, making comments on lines as I go, then going back and making additional comments after I finish. Here we go:
the folds on my skin
I think using "of" here instead of "on" would be more appropriate.
and kiss the corner
Use "corners" here, because there are multiple "joints" in the next line.
Only imprints / of the imprinted wings
These were the only lines that felt a little off to me, and I'm pretty sure it's because of the use of the word "imprint" twice so close together. I just feel like I don't know where you're going with the repetition, other than a clever way to use the same word in two ways, but it just seems too distracting to me to be worth it.
Like a muffled lullaby
I would end the line here with a comma.
I like how you placed "Mother" in its own line because the baby's world at the moment is its mother, and she is the only thing it knows. I also noticed, whether intentional or not, that it is almost at the center of the poem. :)
I think looking at how important certain words are is a great method to determine where lines should begin and end, and you should keep this in mind all throughout the poem. The lengths of sentences can also be a good indication of which parts are most important, so play around with having mostly uniform lengths and fewer short lines and even fewer long ones.
As she carries you
I would also use a comma after this line.
I love the last stanza. I can just imagine the reading speeding up at "for the whispering voices" and slowing down at "you've yet to come into."
Overall, your piece was poignant and it was a pleasure to read. I think that when writing a poem, you have to keep in mind that there are only so many words; it's how you choose them and how you use them that make them into poetry. And most of all, that in the end, it is yours to write and yours to share, however you want it to be.
Hope this helped,
ephemeralbreath
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