And now for something completely different
This month over at brigits_flame I decided to try something a bit different. Taking a break from the darker more subversive sides of life, here's a slice of life from a small town summer. The prompt for this round is: Happiness in a Bottle.
( Orchard Towers )
( Orchard Towers )
I really enjoyed reading this. I didn't exactly find it nostalgic, but it was nice to be able to read about characters just being sweet and funny and young and happy together. (run-on sentence is run-on :P) I really liked the way you used the prompt without making it overly literal.
Just a few critiques/praises:
With his pent-up pre-teen energy he hurried, carefully navigating the rocky path under his feet.
This is a little awkward. Maybe try breaking it up a bit more? "He hurried, using his pent-up, pre-teen energy to carefully navigate the rocky path under his feet."
Mary-Elle Pastor’s voice came like a song.
Aw, young love. Perfect.
They raced until they slowed down at the edge of the Black River.
I'd love to get a little more detail here. How far did they run? Did anyone see them? How did they react? How did Burton feel while he was running with her?
“Thank you. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
This line is so perfect with what we know about Mary-Elle's character. I get the feeling that we're in some sort of small-town Southern area where girls are meant to be girls, and Mary-Elle just wants to be one of the boys. :) I know the feeling.
On this warm summer night, Burton Meeks thought nothing could go wrong. With no school for months, the girl he liked by his side, and the quiet light shining through the glass bottle, he was happy.
Perfect ending, I love it.
What I love about this piece is how much you reveal about your characters without shoving it in our faces, and in such a small amount of words. This is a really great piece. Awesome job!
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