And now for something completely different
This month over at brigits_flame I decided to try something a bit different. Taking a break from the darker more subversive sides of life, here's a slice of life from a small town summer. The prompt for this round is: Happiness in a Bottle.
( Orchard Towers )
( Orchard Towers )
I have absolutely no grammar suggestions for you, which is great news! Or at least it is for me, as I always have them on my peices. =)
I love the flow of this piece; the easy-going, carefree summer feel. I moved last year, just after winter from Phoenix to middle of nowhere Iowa. This past winter has been hard on me, I've been craving the sunlight and the summer like nothing else, so much that my fiance and I are talking about moving to somewhere warmer. You've been able to capture the essence of the season and spoon feed it to a reader and make it feel real. No easy task!
The only overall critism I have for this is show me more. Show me the lush green grass, I want to hear that river. What color is Mary-Elle's hair? How long are her eye lashes? What does Burton feel? We know he likes her, but at 12, how does that make him feel to like a girl?
This story gives me the feel of the small town, and probably somewhere in The South, judging by the dropping of the G's in Mary-Elle's dialogue. Which is something I know you were going for based on your comment. You did a really good job with that.
The opening is great. You have action right away, which leads your readers to wonder, why is he running? I would like to point out this sentence: "Burton stopped, wiped the sweat from his head and smiled as he saw her approach from behind." How does he see her if she's behind him? Is there a reflection in a window? Does he wear glasses? Sometimes I can see blurry images in the reflection on the insides of mine, but nothing to identify a person, so he'd have to know it is her by the sound of her voice. What does she sound like?
I enjoyed reading about your characters, but there's not enough shown about them to make me really want to care about them and what happens. Which leads to the plot - there isn't one. There doesn't really need to be one for this. There's a small hint of inner conflict when Burton doesn't want her to leave, but knows he should. I like that he doesn't do the right thing and let her go. That small bit makes this work.
I would love to see this rewritten into something more substantial. You're a wonderful writer, as I'm sure you know from the multiple comments you get each week. Your individual voice is strong and I love it. If you're not persuing publishing, I hope you will some day. I always enjoy reading your writing.
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