Abundant Life
I haven't felt really good today... I'm not really sure why. I thought I was going to pass out at band... I mean, I've never felt so light headed from playing trumpet before. It was crazy.
I really just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm just sick of being alive. But I know my mission here isn't over...really, its never began. And I won't refuse the Gift that God has given me: Life.
Life is a gift from God, no matter how you look at it. Whenever I'm completely focused on Him is when life is most fulfilling. And now, when His presence isn't as thick.... I just can't stand it. I want more!!! And I know what I have to do... its just so hard. But, I know that I must 'fight the good fight of the Faith!'
I Just want to give everything away. But i keep shying away from my true potential in Christ. It really makes me sick. You know, maybe the way i feel physically (sick like) is a result of the way my emotions are playing on me. At this point in my life I'm dealing with so much. And its just so frustrating to know that most of it is just stupid ridiculous crap that the world has decided and that I'm being forced to conform to it. and we all know we aren't supposed to conform to the world. Don't get me wrong, I realize that from alot of my past entries, it seems like I'm against education. Its completely the opposite! An education is a gret thing to have. But college isn't the only place you can go to get educated. I can go through a Christian Organization, such as The Cause, Fire Ministries, or The Honor Academy and just be as good equiped or better than if i went to a "good college." And I'm trying to justify myself, though I wish everyone to understand where I'm coming from. Like I said, Life is a gift from God, and I don't plan to abuse it. And to me, I would be abusing it by confining myself to a college campus.
Today, after refing soccer, I overheard this guy talking to this guy working in the concession stand, and he was talking about how he has a bad arm, and it hit me, that i could ask this guy if i could pray for him... but of course i shyed off. grrrr....I make myself so disgusted. I constantly let God down....even when its obvious to me what I should do. But by His Grace, I will overcome this. Amen.
It'll probably be on my mind alot today, and maybe days to come, what could have happened tonight at the park. Maybe if I had taken that leap of faith, then revival would have broken out. I have to be more of a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1,2). I'm so ashamed of how I am. I know its fear that causes me not to act....but I don't understand why I'm so scared. Its not that I don't think God could have healed that guy.... I guess I just didn't have enough love for him, to walk over to him, and be like "Jesus can fix that!" I have the cure!!! I could have done something about it...... But fear gripped me and I didn't act upon the Will of God.
To say the least, I'm pathetic. I'm not worthy at all of the love of Christ. I have no courage, no boldness, nothing. And its so sad that people look up to me. I'm not the Christian figure I wish I was. It scares me that I'm one of the most dominant Christian influences that people have in their lives.... I don't deserve that. I'm a sinner. I deserve to be struck down here and now, and sent straight to Hell. But God in His mercy has given me Life. and not just.... Abundant Life.