Waiting for a spark
I'm confused
I almost walked into a wall today, I just want to disappear completely into my imagination, is that normal? Well, imagine, beautiful colors, green trees and blue oceans and orange suns and maybe it would be a little like Van Gogh's paintings, only less crazy, more calming... And warmth too, and really big open spaces, skys filled with stars, no paths, no streets, people would be happy, open, no hurries either. And music, pure and resonant, each note. And there would be no worries, just peaceful and the air would be sweet and cool and smell nice too. No attachments either, hmm, memories? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. I don't know if my world is real, what's real. I almost think the objects around me are just an image i am creating, that i could just wipe it away to whats really there beneath. I mean the mind is the most powerful thing I know, I've convinced myself of so many things, and stripped so many away, felt emotions so powerful based on ideas I created of love, illusions. Maybe everything is an illusion. Maybe if we believed in something enough, no if we knew it, then we'd make it real, I think we forgot. Maybe we could even leave these shells behind, and float around. It would be nice, for a while. I don't know anything really, even myself, i think i know it and then I realize "we never really change" as Myra said, and that I still want people to like me, when I am around my brothers I'm a little kid again, wanting so badly to be cool. When I play music I wonder, does anyone listen? Does anyone ever really listen? We are kind of in our own spheres, listening to our own songs, blinded by our own perspectives, desperately wanting someone, anyone, to feel a connection with. Because we've lost it, something, that connection to the earth. Now, to get to the earth, we must dig beneath layers of cement and pavement and society and what? What are we doing? It is unnatural, striving so hard to make money so we can buy things, it doesn't make any sense. Some people even work more than they love and connect with people, how could they be so irrational....
i'm so worried about how people see me, sometimes, what if they are right? If the whole world believes I am frivolous then maybe I am, if they want to disinclude me, then I will be alone. Why do I have such a fear of aloneness? The most pain I think I ever felt was that feeling of being left out, an outsider. Then why, maybe we are all outsiders, and we don't even know what we are on the outside of. Hah, thats fucked up
I sometimes think I'm doing everything wrong. Like if I just opened my eyes, everything would be clear, and right in front of me. God I can even feel it, its right there...
I almost walked into a wall today, I just want to disappear completely into my imagination, is that normal? Well, imagine, beautiful colors, green trees and blue oceans and orange suns and maybe it would be a little like Van Gogh's paintings, only less crazy, more calming... And warmth too, and really big open spaces, skys filled with stars, no paths, no streets, people would be happy, open, no hurries either. And music, pure and resonant, each note. And there would be no worries, just peaceful and the air would be sweet and cool and smell nice too. No attachments either, hmm, memories? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. I don't know if my world is real, what's real. I almost think the objects around me are just an image i am creating, that i could just wipe it away to whats really there beneath. I mean the mind is the most powerful thing I know, I've convinced myself of so many things, and stripped so many away, felt emotions so powerful based on ideas I created of love, illusions. Maybe everything is an illusion. Maybe if we believed in something enough, no if we knew it, then we'd make it real, I think we forgot. Maybe we could even leave these shells behind, and float around. It would be nice, for a while. I don't know anything really, even myself, i think i know it and then I realize "we never really change" as Myra said, and that I still want people to like me, when I am around my brothers I'm a little kid again, wanting so badly to be cool. When I play music I wonder, does anyone listen? Does anyone ever really listen? We are kind of in our own spheres, listening to our own songs, blinded by our own perspectives, desperately wanting someone, anyone, to feel a connection with. Because we've lost it, something, that connection to the earth. Now, to get to the earth, we must dig beneath layers of cement and pavement and society and what? What are we doing? It is unnatural, striving so hard to make money so we can buy things, it doesn't make any sense. Some people even work more than they love and connect with people, how could they be so irrational....
i'm so worried about how people see me, sometimes, what if they are right? If the whole world believes I am frivolous then maybe I am, if they want to disinclude me, then I will be alone. Why do I have such a fear of aloneness? The most pain I think I ever felt was that feeling of being left out, an outsider. Then why, maybe we are all outsiders, and we don't even know what we are on the outside of. Hah, thats fucked up
I sometimes think I'm doing everything wrong. Like if I just opened my eyes, everything would be clear, and right in front of me. God I can even feel it, its right there...