3 year old hits

[psyrah]

Seeking advice in regards to my almost-3 year old's aggressive behavior. We recently moved into a new home with my friend and her same-age daughter. There is a language barrier (they have spoken their native language at home up until now) which might be a contributor to my daughter's aggressiveness. They constantly trigger each other when together

Comments

[psyrah]

Removal could be a useful tool, thanks for refreshing that idea. There are some activities they do quite well together so perhaps we can aim to find more, as well as the trigger when the fighting is the worst.

[finding_helena]

I would give her alternate ways to express her feelings. She is upset or frustrated when she does these things--telling her to give hugs doesn't help her deal with her feelings. I would tell her something like, I know you are upset, but we do not hit people. You can use your words to tell ___ how you feel, or you can tell me about it, or you can go spend some time by yourself, or .... whatever else.

[pinkminx]

Yeah, all of this. You can't force affection.

[psyrah]

We do that as well, acknowledging her feelings, getting her to talk about what happened, giving her alternative options. Thanks for your response, it's a matter of repetition until she learns how to better deal with her feelings before acting out on them.

[liannas_mom]

I honestly would not recommend instructing your daughter to give hugs as an alternative to hits…we do a more ‘hands off’ approach, I think any physical contact between two people should be consensual at any age. With my kids I try to listen reflectively to the whole situation and even if it’s just between the two of us we try to talk about what they are feeling, even if I’m the one putting the words into context of what I observed for them.
My kids always liked our shaky bottles, we keep one with colored water and vegetable oil and another with water and glitter liquid watercolor. They would shake them and then watch the glitter settle or the oil and water separate, it was very meditative for them and calmed them both very quickly.

[psyrah]

I should be clear that we don't "make" her give hugs, it's more of a demonstration of the idea regarding appropriate physical touch towards the intimate people in our lives. I love your idea about meditative outlets and will look into it more, thank you!

[withoutinternet]

I agree that hugs are not a good alternative. This other little person probably does not want to be touched after feeling attacked, so there's a disconnect there.

This sounds like a huge change for your daughter. I would establish a really solid daily routine that behooves everyone so that there's less unstructured time at home and the children can learn games that they like to play together rather than fighting.

If they are living together at this age, they are now virtually siblings all of a sudden. As an adult in this home, it's your responsibility to show a lot of kindness to this other little girl, which has two effects: it makes your friend's daughter feel safe in her own new home, and it models good behavior for your daughter. Everyone should be treated equally.

[psyrah]

I should be clear that we don't "make" her give hugs, it's more of a demonstration of the idea regarding appropriate physical touch towards the intimate people in our lives.

Wonderful advice and I appreciate the psychological aspect of where your comment comes from. It's absolutely a huge change for both of the girls, for different reasons. It's been 2 weeks exactly since the move; life is beginning to settle down and I intend to create a further sense of safety and structure for them with all of this great advice.

[smasharash]

Everyone else has given good advice already. All I wanted to add is to make sure you have time just you and your daughter everyday where you are connecting and actively doing something together - either out of the house or at home but while no one else is in. She isn't used to sharing you so much. Also, activities out of the house - especially somewhere where there are no toys to fight over or turn taking to be negotiated - with the other child, to try to encourage the positive aspects of their friendship. Being outside helps so much! Perhaps to help bridge the language barrier you and your daughter could try to learn a few key words and phrases. Good luck! I would also be firm and quick to respond to aggression - this is a permanent situation, not just someone you are having play dates with and can phase out if the kids don't get on!

[psyrah]

Thank you, great advice! I've unintentionally been doing just that -- getting us out of the house on our own for walks, little errand runs, and this coming week we'll have our first local library time. My daughter also occasionally closes the bedroom door for her own chill out time, sans little roommate. My friend and her daughter are actually gone Thursday night through Sunday night; friend works and daughter stays with family, so we're also apart for that (which has its own issue, that friend's daughter is feeling insecure about this new place not being her own and so on.) I intend, and am excited, to share all of the ideas given here with her tomorrow. :)