Thoughts for the day
Have you ever just picked up an object that you typically take for granted? Rolled it around in your hands and thought to yourself, "man, this was a good idea"? For instance, the tape dispenser. How much easier is it to have the tape ready to go instead of first having to find the bloody end and then trying to ever so patiently peel it without tearing it in the process? What will they say in 2,000 years from now when we are an "ancient" culture? Will they refer to us as primitive or think of us as an Atlantean-like culture? Will we have lost our historical records so that future beings have to dig up old relics as we do? Will they find that tape dispenser and know what it was for? Or perhaps we will have left the planet altogether for another, only to let nature and time take its elements back. Somedays I wish I could find the fabled fountain of youth, harvest its waters and then I might see this future. Perhaps I will also have the time necessary to figure out who I am and work on my faults. I do know my faults, most of them anyway, and I try to fic them if I can, but I am still a product of my own personal history. I know I have an especially har time letting others in, perhaps due to a feeling of vulnerability among many other things. Sometimes I lash out at others, claiming it to be hunger, sleep deprevation, anything so I do not have to tell them what is really bothering me and letting them get closer to me. Yes, it is probably a harsh mental defense. Misdirection, manipulation, a fear of commitment are all my despicable tools to keep myself "safe." I dwell on the past too much because guilt for mistakes will not leave me, even with a strong desire for it to do so. And at the same time of trying to avoid these mistakes, I make them all over again, even new ones. This becomes an ironic paradox because on one hand I refuse to open my wall so that no one can get in and yet it is myself that causes the trust issues to begin with by not wanting to make anymore of the same mistakes. It is not only a defense against others, but also a defense against myself. Yet even with this insight, I do not seem to change. Perhaps I just am who I am and I have to live with that. On another note, have you ever read a book that described a dream in enough detail that you had the dream yourself? I am reading this book and in it many people are sharing a particular dream. Now, I have not read far enough into the story to know what it means, but it involves these two beautiful twins. They have long, red, curly hair and green eyes. It takes place in a desert. In front of them is perhaps their mother, cooked to a crisp and still smoking, with her brain and heart in front of each of the twins. They are forced to eat what is in front of them and afterwards a man brutally rapes the two girls. In the next scene, one of the twins is pregnant and has had her eyes scooped out, leaving her eyelids as nothing more than soft tisse doorways to empty caverns as the other twin has had her tongue removed. They were being ripped from each others arms and screaming, so much screaming. It is a bit of a morbid example, not that I can say any of my dreams have been "happy" as of late. There is a sense of dread when something is happening and you can do nothing but sit and watch. Then again, it is only a dream. A friend recently told me that she was making a lot of changes in her life. She stopped hanging out with certain people because they were bad influences and held her back in life. She said she has a renewed faith in God so I began thinking about my own faith and what I believe in. I have found that I cannot believe in a God. It is not because I cannot "find" him or a child just rebelling against his parents because they want me to go to church. No one is trying to force my faith, it is simply that I cannot accept a being that I cannot see, hear or has not had a direct influence in my life. I choose to be agnostic, not because I believe that there is something out there, but rather because I would like to keep some hope that one day I will find a reason to believe. As for now, I know I exist, everything I can touch, hear and see exists. I believe in myself and what I can do. Another thought has occured to me though, about existance. How do we even know what is real? An immediate response is that if I can touch, see or taste something, then it is real. But then think about this: mind over matter. A person can, let's say, eat a piece of brocoli. They decide that they do not like it, for its taste, texture, etc. So they throw up. Due to a simple preference, everytime they put brocoli in their mouth, they throw up. Instant conditioning and belief. No, it is just because he does not like the brocoli and his body isn't handling it, you might say. Then there is the ability for someone to mentally ignore pain, or create it for that matter. Where am I going with this you may ask? Well if we have the capability to mentally influence physical traits and conditions, then the pain you feel is not necessarily real, but a product of mental belief. It is mearly a thought. So if our thoughts are strong enought to create physical aspects, how do we know we physically exist? Could it not be considered that we, and the world around us, is not but a thought? Thus, I suppose I may not exist at all, not as I believe I do at any rate. Even as an idea, I still would prefer not to "die." Regardless of what I want, it is an enevitability that one day I will cease to be. Thought or otherwise. When my brother read parts of this he told me that I needed help and more medication than any one person can legally get. Although he is not the first to tell me that, or something similar, I am still astonished that people cannot accept ideas. Yes, I suppose some of my thought processes are a little unorthodox, but they are thoughts none the less. I find it hard to believe that you do not have strange ideas from time to time. Have you never questioned the way things are? What would the outcome be if situation "A" did not occur? Why do we have people that tell me what I can and cannot know? After all, aren;t they almost self-appointed anyway? Who are they to decide? I am not referring to only America, but the world in general. Sure, I understand the need for order and certain laws pertaining to natural morality, but that is learned from those who raise you. If someone wants to murder another human being, a law is not going to persuade them otherwise. Well, I suppose it will dissuade a few. Even still, I should not be hindered in life, or settle for less, just because a group of individuals want it a certain way and that it is the way things are. I am not promoting anarchy, but only that you think about things like this in hopes of learning from it. Be who you are and do not let anyone else tell you what that is.