just another (gay) teenage drama 「14」
just another (gay) teenage drama: chapter fourteen.
It was three hours until the scheduled Cesarean and they still didn’t have names for the twins. Jaejoong was searching fervently through a book of baby names, examining meanings and different combinations. Most of them seemed like nice names, but they didn’t sit well with him. They weren’t the right names.
“Maybe we should do generational names,” Yunho suggested, looking at the list they had made. It was a list of names they liked or thought sounded interesting, but so far, each and every one of them had been crossed off because they just didn’t fit.
Jaejoong was sure that was the best idea they’d had since their search had begun. “I don’t have any objections,” he agreed, skimming over different possible combinations. He threw suggestions for Yunho to write down for later review, and by the time more of his family had come to visit they had a lengthy list.
Miyoung made her disapproval known as soon as she was aware the twins were still nameless. “You’re due to have them in three hours!” she declared, hands on her hips. In a way she reminded Jaejoong of their mother and her explosive emotions.
“You are more than welcome to absorb their fetuses through osmosis and give birth to them if you’re that disappointed in me,” Jaejoong spoke wryly. He didn’t even bother to look at her, instead circling a name on the list he found he rather liked. Something about it clicked and it stuck with him.
“No, I’m fine,” Miyoung declined. She helped herself to a nearby chair next to Mama Kim knowing the next three hours were going to be nothing short of nerve-wracking.
Jaejoong couldn’t concentrate. Seeing his family fill up the room one by one made the reality of his position so much more evident. Though half of his sisters weren’t even in town, it was more than enough. His room was crowded and filled to the brim with chatter. He couldn’t concentrate through their ceaseless noise. The seconds were ticking away, dwindling like grains of sand in an hour glass.
At least by the time Dr. Lim came into the room to chase them away, the boys’ names had been chosen. Jaejoong was quivering like a leaf and near tears as he realized within the next half an hour his life was about to change forever - though whether for better or worse was yet to be seen.
Jaejoong had imagined the scenario many times over, especially since discovering they would need to be taken so soon. Of course he hadn’t imagined it to be as horrifying as it was, because he’d soon get to meet the little boys he and Yunho had made together.
If Yunho was scared, Jaejoong couldn’t tell. Yunho could have an excellent poker face when he wanted to and this was one of those moments. He had a feeling Yunho wanted to be strong since he was the only other male in the room other than Papa Kim, because it was his duty to Jaejoong and everyone else. If only he could have had such strength at that moment, he was sure he was close to tears again.
“Are you ready?” Dr. Lim asked as she tinkered with Jaejoong’s IV. He watched her from the corner of his eyes, suddenly missing the room full of family members that, while annoying, had been comforting and filled the disquieting silence.
“I don’t think I ever will be, but it has to be done,” Jaejoong said resolutely, eyes focused on the nothingness around him. It wouldn’t be long, he had already gotten the prep talk about the procedure. In as little as half an hour...he would become a parent.
“Okay. I’m injecting the anesthetic into your IV now,” Dr. Lim said. “It’ll take a second and it’ll creep up on you.”
Jaejoong nodded and laid back, eyes closed. For several moments he didn’t feel anything, but as soon as he opened his mouth was when he realized the truth in her words. Darkness bloomed in him like a lotus, starting from deep within until it crept along the edge of his consciousness and took him under.
When Jaejoong could see again, he was alone. And he could see his toes.
“Baby, how are you feeling?”
Mama Kim was tender in the way her fingers combed through Jaejoong’s hair, holding a Polystyrene cup to his lips. He greedily drank the water, throat sore and parched. Every part of his body ached, some more than others, but he was too drowsy, too out of it, to really think about it. He figured it was a side effect of the anesthetic as the final drops of it left his system.
“I feel like I got hit by a train,” Jaejoong said hoarsely. The cool water soothed him, but only minimally, and it was gone far too quick. Mama Kim said something about him not overloading himself with water considering the delicate condition of his abdominal region.
“You’ll feel like that for a few days.”
“Great,” Jaejoong mumbled, but it wasn’t anywhere as venomous as it could have been. He just didn’t have the energy.
Jaejoong didn’t know how long the silence lasted until he was more lucid, enough to notice only his mother was in the room with him. “Where...” Where was Yunho? “Is everyone?”
Mama Kim sighed. “Your father and Yunho are near the NICU waiting for some kind of word on the twins. Hyori and Hyuna went home; Miyoung and Hyerin went to attend their classes,” she said.
Jaejoong brought a hand to rub at his face, hoping to eradicate the lingering perpetual exhaustion. A part of him was still suspended in disbelief; he still had yet to see the fruits of his labor...or rather, the infants. He wondered if they could breathe on their own, if one of them had cried, but a part of him still didn’t believe he was really a parent now. Sure, he was in a hospital and ached horribly, but Jaejoong still had yet to see his sons.
“How long?” Jaejoong whispered.
“Not quite three hours,” Mama Kim said. “We should have word soon. The wait is always the hardest part.”
Jaejoong nodded his head, slowly, and hoped he would not go crazy during the wait. All he could think about was how much could go wrong with them. They were taken so early from him, and they had a lot of catching up to do. What if the steroid shots hadn’t been enough? What if one of them had faulty lungs? Jaejoong couldn’t take the agony of the mere thought that one of his sons had been unable to breathe and didn’t have a chance at life.
The wait was, indeed, the hardest part of Jaejoong’s life thus far. He spent maybe an hour, maybe several (he really couldn’t tell), brooding over every conceivable nightmare to prepare himself. The worst was yet to come, he feared, and he needed to be ready.
By the time Yunho and Papa Kim came with an unknown doctor at their heels, Jaejoong was nearly insane from the myriad of emotions. The three men had donned their poker faces, and they were damn good ones at that. Jaejoong couldn’t get an inkling of whether or not he should be anticipatory or apprehensive.
The doctor didn’t say anything about the boys at first, doing a check-up. He explained to Jaejoong what the next few days were going to be like, the medication they would prescribe him, and he upped the morphine levels until Jaejoong was floating giddily on a cloud made of cotton candy lullabies.
Then came what he’d been longing to hear: “The twins are stable.”
Yunho held his hand tight, smiling a wide, bright smile that had butterflies fluttering in Jaejoong’s stomach. It was a light and feathery sensation compared to the harsh, powerful movements he’d gotten used to from the boys. He almost missed having them inside of him, but now all he knew was excitement.
Jaejoong couldn’t have been any happier during that moment. He was hyped up on hospital meds and his sons were going to be okay. After that one confirmation, he shamelessly tuned out the doctor and rode on the mixture of blissful feelings.
“It’s a good day,” Jaejoong chirped, and everyone laughed with him.
* * *
It was a total of three days before Jaejoong received the okay to go home. Unfortunately, by then the hospital was no longer providing him with the wonders of morphine and he suffered from blistering agony in his abdomen. Each step he took, while slow, was a journey all its own. Of course he was adamant about going by the NICU upon his discharge so he could see his boys. Mama Kim was beside Jaejoong, holding his hand and helping him walk the distance.
The first thing he saw was a bright light, wires, and their tiny little forms. They were in nothing but diapers with a hat on their heads and socks on their feet. It was his first time seeing them, and they were so, so small. The closer he looked, the more he saw the discoloration of their skintone. He assumed they would have had Yunho’s rich tawny complexion if they just weren’t so...yellow.
“I don’t think that’s normal,” Jaejoong said, voice pained. They weren’t really moving and he couldn’t help the terror that held him tight. While he heard that babies born at 29 weeks had a good chance of survival, there was still that small percentage of doubt lingering.
“It’s jaundice,” Mama Kim said, but she smiled at Jaejoong to encourage him to believe everything would be fine. “The lights are for phototherapy. The same thing happened with the triplets. They’ll be fine, I’m sure.”
Jaejoong believed his mother. There was a part of him that was still a child at heart - he wasn’t quite 17 yet - and that part of him clung to every word his mother breathed. She’d had nine children total, two sets of multiples, so as far as he was concerned she was the one who knew everything. Jaejoong used to believe his parents were omniscient as a child, now he knew better, but as far as he was concerned they were still older and wiser.
A doctor came out to join them and explained everything Jaejoong needed to know. He didn’t understand much about the blood breakdown talk, nor much about anything else. If Jaejoong wanted to be frank he’d say he didn’t care about the details, he just wanted to know his boys would be fine. The doctor said they were responding well to the phototherapy and their overall condition was great. Much to his chagrin he learned he wouldn’t be able to hold them for a few weeks, but after he thought about it he realized it was for their benefit. Who knew what kind of germs Jaejoong would bring in with him if he held them so soon? They wouldn’t be able to fight against it.
They talked for a bit longer until the doctor had to return to duty. Afterward Jaejoong stood with his mother and watched them, his eyes beading with moisture. He was just so happy that everything was going to be okay. If they continued to progress well like they were then it wouldn’t be long until Jaejoong and Yunho could hold them, could take them home. Jaejoong longed for that moment, more than anything. At first he had been so afraid he wouldn’t adapt to being a parent, but now he was more than ready for it.
“Okay, I’m ready to go home,” he mumbled, wiping his eyes.
Jaejoong’s heart broke to pieces when he turned his back to his sons.
* * *
It was three weeks before the doctor said Yunho and Jaejoong could hold the twins. Words couldn’t describe the immense relief and elation welling up inside of him, but if he was ecstatic then he really didn’t know how to describe Yunho. The man was a walking, talking bundle of energy and hadn’t been able to stop smiling since they set foot into the hospital.
Those three weeks had been incredibly painful for Jaejoong in more ways than one. Yunho was the one that saw the twins almost every day and kept Jaejoong up to date on their exceedingly well health. While Jaejoong wanted nothing more than to make the trip down there himself, he had to be cautious because he was still healing from the surgery. At least three weeks later he was in good enough condition that he only had minimal issues sitting and standing. His recovery was on the fast track if he didn’t say so himself.
“I’m scared.” The tears Jaejoong worked so hard to suppress overflowed the moment they entered the NICU. He held on tight to Yunho’s hand until the man cringed and had to pry Jaejoong’s vice grip off. “Sorry.”
“No need to be,” Yunho said, only half listening to the doctor. He was far too eager to hold the boys, a moment the both of them had waited for far too long. Taking a seat, he glowed almost as radiantly as the lights keeping their sons warm. The boys’ names had been carefully written on an attached placard, reading:
Jung-Kim Jaeyoung & Jung-Kim Yunhwa
Jaejoong couldn’t help the way his body thrummed with nerves. It was only his fourth time seeing them and now he was going to hold them. Was he ready for it? He wasn’t so sure now. As each second passed, watching the doctor instruct Yunho on how to hold the first one clad in blue - Jaeyoung - Jaejoong became increasingly more insecure.
Yunho lit up as soon as he grasped the tiny infant, holding him close to his palpitating heart. He saw the way Jaeyoung twitched in his sleep, looking impossibly tiny in his arms. Without a doubt both boys had inherited Yunho’s complexion, but both of them had Jaejoong’s big eyes and his tiny button nose. It was easy to tell they weren’t identical; they were different, yet similar enough that they had to learn to tell them apart. For now the green and blue clothing would just have to work.
“Hi baby, it’s Appa,” Yunho sang to the sleeping infant, his voice so tender and the sight so riveting that Jaejoong ended up teary-eyed again. It was perfect. Yunho was perfect. Jaeyoung and Yunhwa were perfect. Their family was perfect.
Come Jaejoong’s turn to hold one of the twins he noticed how horribly he was shaking, his entire being quivering like a leaf. The face of doubt was both prominent and ugly in his mind the closer his son, Yunhwa, got to him, the more afraid he became. The more insecure he felt.
I don’t think I can do this.
Jaejoong bit his lip as the timid bundle settled in his arms, warm and with a weight much less than he expected. Yunhwa was tiny little thing, the smaller of the two, but he was the one that had fought the hardest as he was the first one off of the ventilator. The small babe hadn’t even been in his birth parent’s arms for too long before he demonstrated just how strong his lungs were, letting out a loud cry that startled Jaejoong to the center of his bones.
“I-I can’t do this,” Jaejoong sobbed, pushing his son away as soon as he realized he’d almost dropped him. He’d hurt those boys enough, being as sick as he was in the beginning of his pregnancy and then having them taken so early. They should have been the safest with him, but he was already certain they never would be. Jaejoong had once been sure he was ready for them, but now he wasn’t sure if he ever would be. So many things could go wrong, and as if newborns weren’t delicate enough, Jaeyoung and Yunhwa had to be preemies.
What burned the most, however, was the look Yunho gave him. As Mama Kim held baby Yunhwa close, coddling him and shushing him, he’d never seen a look of such disappointment. It hurt where Jaejoong was most sensitive, the pain searing away at whatever it could reach.
Ashamed, Jaejoong ran to the nearest bathroom and locked himself inside until the tears stopped.
As a whole, the day had been exhausting, moreso emotionally than physically. Yunho couldn’t explain the myriad of emotions he felt, let alone grasp at a single one of them. The most prominent thing he cared about was his boys, the boys he’d finally been able to hold after three long, painful weeks. It had been a tiring journey of to and from the hospital every day, just to see them. To know they were breathing. It was only a matter of time until they could be brought home.
“Oppa, you’re home!” Jihye trilled, throwing herself at her brother with the biggest smile he’d seen on her face in years. “How are they? Did you get to hold them? What was it like? When can I meet them?” she barraged him with question after question.
Yunho laughed, and whatever sadness he might have felt evaporated. “Whoa, one question at a time.”
“Well?” The teenage girl pressed, hands on her hips. Much like their mother she didn’t like to reiterate herself.
“They’re great, I got to hold them and it was the most magical moment of my life. I’m counting down the days until Jae and I can bring them home. Soon, hopefully,” Yunho replied, smiling widely.
“Did you get pictures?”
“Yeah, Dad has them,” Yunho said, turning around to see where his old man had gone. “Did he come inside?”
“No, I didn’t see him,” Jihye said, peeling back a nearby curtain. They saw their father still outside by the car, chatting animatedly on the phone. Whoever it was Munhee was talking to, he didn’t seem pleased in the least.
“Stay here,” Yunho said, running out the front door. His father was still standing near the vehicle, the door open as if he had just stepped out when the phone call distracted him.
“Listen to me: I don’t want to hear it, okay? You had your chance for talking.” Munhee’s voice floated over, and he finally shut the car door.
“Do you have the camera?” Yunho asked, trying to be casual.
“Yeah, here.” Munhee passed him the device.
Upon going back inside, Yunho was bombarded by his sister who greedily took the digital camera from him. She flipped through the pictures, letting out sounds Yunho found rather obnoxious. They were cute, he got it, and as much as he loved his sister he couldn’t put up with her squealing all the time.
“Aww!”
Yunho twitched.
“This picture is adorable! Is that Jaejoong-oppa? He is cuuute~”
“Yah, give that to me!” The last thing Yunho wanted was his little sister to have a crush on his boyfriend and the birth parent of his twin sons.
The picture Jihye had been fawning over touched him deeply. He hadn’t known his father had taken it, and now it was his favorite. After Jaejoong’s fiasco, he’d been gone for a couple of minutes before he came back with renewed determination. The two of them had sat down together, this time Jaejoong held Jaeyoung (who they learned was the quieter of the two) while Yunho held the fussy Yunhwa. It had been a tender, picture perfect family moment that he was glad had been captured.
The spell was broke the moment Munhee entered their house, muttering, “That is just one of the many things you should have thought about, really thought about before you asked for a divorce.”
Yunho’s blood ran cold.
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It was three hours until the scheduled Cesarean and they still didn’t have names for the twins. Jaejoong was searching fervently through a book of baby names, examining meanings and different combinations. Most of them seemed like nice names, but they didn’t sit well with him. They weren’t the right names.
“Maybe we should do generational names,” Yunho suggested, looking at the list they had made. It was a list of names they liked or thought sounded interesting, but so far, each and every one of them had been crossed off because they just didn’t fit.
Jaejoong was sure that was the best idea they’d had since their search had begun. “I don’t have any objections,” he agreed, skimming over different possible combinations. He threw suggestions for Yunho to write down for later review, and by the time more of his family had come to visit they had a lengthy list.
Miyoung made her disapproval known as soon as she was aware the twins were still nameless. “You’re due to have them in three hours!” she declared, hands on her hips. In a way she reminded Jaejoong of their mother and her explosive emotions.
“You are more than welcome to absorb their fetuses through osmosis and give birth to them if you’re that disappointed in me,” Jaejoong spoke wryly. He didn’t even bother to look at her, instead circling a name on the list he found he rather liked. Something about it clicked and it stuck with him.
“No, I’m fine,” Miyoung declined. She helped herself to a nearby chair next to Mama Kim knowing the next three hours were going to be nothing short of nerve-wracking.
Jaejoong couldn’t concentrate. Seeing his family fill up the room one by one made the reality of his position so much more evident. Though half of his sisters weren’t even in town, it was more than enough. His room was crowded and filled to the brim with chatter. He couldn’t concentrate through their ceaseless noise. The seconds were ticking away, dwindling like grains of sand in an hour glass.
At least by the time Dr. Lim came into the room to chase them away, the boys’ names had been chosen. Jaejoong was quivering like a leaf and near tears as he realized within the next half an hour his life was about to change forever - though whether for better or worse was yet to be seen.
Jaejoong had imagined the scenario many times over, especially since discovering they would need to be taken so soon. Of course he hadn’t imagined it to be as horrifying as it was, because he’d soon get to meet the little boys he and Yunho had made together.
If Yunho was scared, Jaejoong couldn’t tell. Yunho could have an excellent poker face when he wanted to and this was one of those moments. He had a feeling Yunho wanted to be strong since he was the only other male in the room other than Papa Kim, because it was his duty to Jaejoong and everyone else. If only he could have had such strength at that moment, he was sure he was close to tears again.
“Are you ready?” Dr. Lim asked as she tinkered with Jaejoong’s IV. He watched her from the corner of his eyes, suddenly missing the room full of family members that, while annoying, had been comforting and filled the disquieting silence.
“I don’t think I ever will be, but it has to be done,” Jaejoong said resolutely, eyes focused on the nothingness around him. It wouldn’t be long, he had already gotten the prep talk about the procedure. In as little as half an hour...he would become a parent.
“Okay. I’m injecting the anesthetic into your IV now,” Dr. Lim said. “It’ll take a second and it’ll creep up on you.”
Jaejoong nodded and laid back, eyes closed. For several moments he didn’t feel anything, but as soon as he opened his mouth was when he realized the truth in her words. Darkness bloomed in him like a lotus, starting from deep within until it crept along the edge of his consciousness and took him under.
When Jaejoong could see again, he was alone. And he could see his toes.
“Baby, how are you feeling?”
Mama Kim was tender in the way her fingers combed through Jaejoong’s hair, holding a Polystyrene cup to his lips. He greedily drank the water, throat sore and parched. Every part of his body ached, some more than others, but he was too drowsy, too out of it, to really think about it. He figured it was a side effect of the anesthetic as the final drops of it left his system.
“I feel like I got hit by a train,” Jaejoong said hoarsely. The cool water soothed him, but only minimally, and it was gone far too quick. Mama Kim said something about him not overloading himself with water considering the delicate condition of his abdominal region.
“You’ll feel like that for a few days.”
“Great,” Jaejoong mumbled, but it wasn’t anywhere as venomous as it could have been. He just didn’t have the energy.
Jaejoong didn’t know how long the silence lasted until he was more lucid, enough to notice only his mother was in the room with him. “Where...” Where was Yunho? “Is everyone?”
Mama Kim sighed. “Your father and Yunho are near the NICU waiting for some kind of word on the twins. Hyori and Hyuna went home; Miyoung and Hyerin went to attend their classes,” she said.
Jaejoong brought a hand to rub at his face, hoping to eradicate the lingering perpetual exhaustion. A part of him was still suspended in disbelief; he still had yet to see the fruits of his labor...or rather, the infants. He wondered if they could breathe on their own, if one of them had cried, but a part of him still didn’t believe he was really a parent now. Sure, he was in a hospital and ached horribly, but Jaejoong still had yet to see his sons.
“How long?” Jaejoong whispered.
“Not quite three hours,” Mama Kim said. “We should have word soon. The wait is always the hardest part.”
Jaejoong nodded his head, slowly, and hoped he would not go crazy during the wait. All he could think about was how much could go wrong with them. They were taken so early from him, and they had a lot of catching up to do. What if the steroid shots hadn’t been enough? What if one of them had faulty lungs? Jaejoong couldn’t take the agony of the mere thought that one of his sons had been unable to breathe and didn’t have a chance at life.
The wait was, indeed, the hardest part of Jaejoong’s life thus far. He spent maybe an hour, maybe several (he really couldn’t tell), brooding over every conceivable nightmare to prepare himself. The worst was yet to come, he feared, and he needed to be ready.
By the time Yunho and Papa Kim came with an unknown doctor at their heels, Jaejoong was nearly insane from the myriad of emotions. The three men had donned their poker faces, and they were damn good ones at that. Jaejoong couldn’t get an inkling of whether or not he should be anticipatory or apprehensive.
The doctor didn’t say anything about the boys at first, doing a check-up. He explained to Jaejoong what the next few days were going to be like, the medication they would prescribe him, and he upped the morphine levels until Jaejoong was floating giddily on a cloud made of cotton candy lullabies.
Then came what he’d been longing to hear: “The twins are stable.”
Yunho held his hand tight, smiling a wide, bright smile that had butterflies fluttering in Jaejoong’s stomach. It was a light and feathery sensation compared to the harsh, powerful movements he’d gotten used to from the boys. He almost missed having them inside of him, but now all he knew was excitement.
Jaejoong couldn’t have been any happier during that moment. He was hyped up on hospital meds and his sons were going to be okay. After that one confirmation, he shamelessly tuned out the doctor and rode on the mixture of blissful feelings.
“It’s a good day,” Jaejoong chirped, and everyone laughed with him.
* * *
It was a total of three days before Jaejoong received the okay to go home. Unfortunately, by then the hospital was no longer providing him with the wonders of morphine and he suffered from blistering agony in his abdomen. Each step he took, while slow, was a journey all its own. Of course he was adamant about going by the NICU upon his discharge so he could see his boys. Mama Kim was beside Jaejoong, holding his hand and helping him walk the distance.
The first thing he saw was a bright light, wires, and their tiny little forms. They were in nothing but diapers with a hat on their heads and socks on their feet. It was his first time seeing them, and they were so, so small. The closer he looked, the more he saw the discoloration of their skintone. He assumed they would have had Yunho’s rich tawny complexion if they just weren’t so...yellow.
“I don’t think that’s normal,” Jaejoong said, voice pained. They weren’t really moving and he couldn’t help the terror that held him tight. While he heard that babies born at 29 weeks had a good chance of survival, there was still that small percentage of doubt lingering.
“It’s jaundice,” Mama Kim said, but she smiled at Jaejoong to encourage him to believe everything would be fine. “The lights are for phototherapy. The same thing happened with the triplets. They’ll be fine, I’m sure.”
Jaejoong believed his mother. There was a part of him that was still a child at heart - he wasn’t quite 17 yet - and that part of him clung to every word his mother breathed. She’d had nine children total, two sets of multiples, so as far as he was concerned she was the one who knew everything. Jaejoong used to believe his parents were omniscient as a child, now he knew better, but as far as he was concerned they were still older and wiser.
A doctor came out to join them and explained everything Jaejoong needed to know. He didn’t understand much about the blood breakdown talk, nor much about anything else. If Jaejoong wanted to be frank he’d say he didn’t care about the details, he just wanted to know his boys would be fine. The doctor said they were responding well to the phototherapy and their overall condition was great. Much to his chagrin he learned he wouldn’t be able to hold them for a few weeks, but after he thought about it he realized it was for their benefit. Who knew what kind of germs Jaejoong would bring in with him if he held them so soon? They wouldn’t be able to fight against it.
They talked for a bit longer until the doctor had to return to duty. Afterward Jaejoong stood with his mother and watched them, his eyes beading with moisture. He was just so happy that everything was going to be okay. If they continued to progress well like they were then it wouldn’t be long until Jaejoong and Yunho could hold them, could take them home. Jaejoong longed for that moment, more than anything. At first he had been so afraid he wouldn’t adapt to being a parent, but now he was more than ready for it.
“Okay, I’m ready to go home,” he mumbled, wiping his eyes.
Jaejoong’s heart broke to pieces when he turned his back to his sons.
* * *
It was three weeks before the doctor said Yunho and Jaejoong could hold the twins. Words couldn’t describe the immense relief and elation welling up inside of him, but if he was ecstatic then he really didn’t know how to describe Yunho. The man was a walking, talking bundle of energy and hadn’t been able to stop smiling since they set foot into the hospital.
Those three weeks had been incredibly painful for Jaejoong in more ways than one. Yunho was the one that saw the twins almost every day and kept Jaejoong up to date on their exceedingly well health. While Jaejoong wanted nothing more than to make the trip down there himself, he had to be cautious because he was still healing from the surgery. At least three weeks later he was in good enough condition that he only had minimal issues sitting and standing. His recovery was on the fast track if he didn’t say so himself.
“I’m scared.” The tears Jaejoong worked so hard to suppress overflowed the moment they entered the NICU. He held on tight to Yunho’s hand until the man cringed and had to pry Jaejoong’s vice grip off. “Sorry.”
“No need to be,” Yunho said, only half listening to the doctor. He was far too eager to hold the boys, a moment the both of them had waited for far too long. Taking a seat, he glowed almost as radiantly as the lights keeping their sons warm. The boys’ names had been carefully written on an attached placard, reading:
Jung-Kim Jaeyoung & Jung-Kim Yunhwa
Jaejoong couldn’t help the way his body thrummed with nerves. It was only his fourth time seeing them and now he was going to hold them. Was he ready for it? He wasn’t so sure now. As each second passed, watching the doctor instruct Yunho on how to hold the first one clad in blue - Jaeyoung - Jaejoong became increasingly more insecure.
Yunho lit up as soon as he grasped the tiny infant, holding him close to his palpitating heart. He saw the way Jaeyoung twitched in his sleep, looking impossibly tiny in his arms. Without a doubt both boys had inherited Yunho’s complexion, but both of them had Jaejoong’s big eyes and his tiny button nose. It was easy to tell they weren’t identical; they were different, yet similar enough that they had to learn to tell them apart. For now the green and blue clothing would just have to work.
“Hi baby, it’s Appa,” Yunho sang to the sleeping infant, his voice so tender and the sight so riveting that Jaejoong ended up teary-eyed again. It was perfect. Yunho was perfect. Jaeyoung and Yunhwa were perfect. Their family was perfect.
Come Jaejoong’s turn to hold one of the twins he noticed how horribly he was shaking, his entire being quivering like a leaf. The face of doubt was both prominent and ugly in his mind the closer his son, Yunhwa, got to him, the more afraid he became. The more insecure he felt.
I don’t think I can do this.
Jaejoong bit his lip as the timid bundle settled in his arms, warm and with a weight much less than he expected. Yunhwa was tiny little thing, the smaller of the two, but he was the one that had fought the hardest as he was the first one off of the ventilator. The small babe hadn’t even been in his birth parent’s arms for too long before he demonstrated just how strong his lungs were, letting out a loud cry that startled Jaejoong to the center of his bones.
“I-I can’t do this,” Jaejoong sobbed, pushing his son away as soon as he realized he’d almost dropped him. He’d hurt those boys enough, being as sick as he was in the beginning of his pregnancy and then having them taken so early. They should have been the safest with him, but he was already certain they never would be. Jaejoong had once been sure he was ready for them, but now he wasn’t sure if he ever would be. So many things could go wrong, and as if newborns weren’t delicate enough, Jaeyoung and Yunhwa had to be preemies.
What burned the most, however, was the look Yunho gave him. As Mama Kim held baby Yunhwa close, coddling him and shushing him, he’d never seen a look of such disappointment. It hurt where Jaejoong was most sensitive, the pain searing away at whatever it could reach.
Ashamed, Jaejoong ran to the nearest bathroom and locked himself inside until the tears stopped.
As a whole, the day had been exhausting, moreso emotionally than physically. Yunho couldn’t explain the myriad of emotions he felt, let alone grasp at a single one of them. The most prominent thing he cared about was his boys, the boys he’d finally been able to hold after three long, painful weeks. It had been a tiring journey of to and from the hospital every day, just to see them. To know they were breathing. It was only a matter of time until they could be brought home.
“Oppa, you’re home!” Jihye trilled, throwing herself at her brother with the biggest smile he’d seen on her face in years. “How are they? Did you get to hold them? What was it like? When can I meet them?” she barraged him with question after question.
Yunho laughed, and whatever sadness he might have felt evaporated. “Whoa, one question at a time.”
“Well?” The teenage girl pressed, hands on her hips. Much like their mother she didn’t like to reiterate herself.
“They’re great, I got to hold them and it was the most magical moment of my life. I’m counting down the days until Jae and I can bring them home. Soon, hopefully,” Yunho replied, smiling widely.
“Did you get pictures?”
“Yeah, Dad has them,” Yunho said, turning around to see where his old man had gone. “Did he come inside?”
“No, I didn’t see him,” Jihye said, peeling back a nearby curtain. They saw their father still outside by the car, chatting animatedly on the phone. Whoever it was Munhee was talking to, he didn’t seem pleased in the least.
“Stay here,” Yunho said, running out the front door. His father was still standing near the vehicle, the door open as if he had just stepped out when the phone call distracted him.
“Listen to me: I don’t want to hear it, okay? You had your chance for talking.” Munhee’s voice floated over, and he finally shut the car door.
“Do you have the camera?” Yunho asked, trying to be casual.
“Yeah, here.” Munhee passed him the device.
Upon going back inside, Yunho was bombarded by his sister who greedily took the digital camera from him. She flipped through the pictures, letting out sounds Yunho found rather obnoxious. They were cute, he got it, and as much as he loved his sister he couldn’t put up with her squealing all the time.
“Aww!”
Yunho twitched.
“This picture is adorable! Is that Jaejoong-oppa? He is cuuute~”
“Yah, give that to me!” The last thing Yunho wanted was his little sister to have a crush on his boyfriend and the birth parent of his twin sons.
The picture Jihye had been fawning over touched him deeply. He hadn’t known his father had taken it, and now it was his favorite. After Jaejoong’s fiasco, he’d been gone for a couple of minutes before he came back with renewed determination. The two of them had sat down together, this time Jaejoong held Jaeyoung (who they learned was the quieter of the two) while Yunho held the fussy Yunhwa. It had been a tender, picture perfect family moment that he was glad had been captured.
The spell was broke the moment Munhee entered their house, muttering, “That is just one of the many things you should have thought about, really thought about before you asked for a divorce.”
Yunho’s blood ran cold.
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