Myspace Rant
Edit - oops, it's long and not behind a cut. This has been fixed.
1. Red text on black. Yeah, it's been done. And it sucks. Can't read it, so I didn't.
2. 4 pixel high fonts. Also been done, also sucks. After doing something like 6 font increases in Firefox, I still had #1 to deal with. Blargh.
3. "Who I'd like to meet: ... People who don't bring drama every where they go." Hmm... Noble sentiment. My issue with it is that I rank this page visually somewhere between Faith and the Muse and Gwar on the dramatic scale.
4. Holy hell, what happened to site design!?!? I mean, seriously, most of these pages would use the /blink tag if they knew how. Since they don't they instead fill the void in their life with as many animated gifs and half nekkid images as possible. And given how much I like nekkid, it's gotta be bad for me to complain.
5. Friendquest. Yeah, you're real popular with those 1240543 "Thanx 4 teh add! Ur so HOTTTT!" comments and 1267458 friends. This does a good job of covering up that none of them are likely to ever visit your pointless site again (unless you offer to sleep with them...)
6. Autoplaying music. Seriously, fuck you. This was done in '96 by the same people who send you all those super-touching chain emails with the hearts and teddy bears and crap. Remember those pages? With all the rainbow dividers and animated gifs and blink tags. Yep, they usually had MIDI embeds. Here we are over a decade later with animated dividers, animated gifs, and some stupendously bad New Rock crap blaring out of my speakers uncontrollably at 3 am. Oh, sorry Gabriela, go back to sleep, it's just ANOTHER DOUCHEBAG WEBSITE! On a related note, Flashblock is a great extension for Firefox...
7. Being Bi. There are plenty of people out there who are bi, and that's fine. But you know what, you don't know when you're 13. You just don't. Take my youngest brother. He's 16, his girlfriend is 14. She's had her page for about a year now. She lists herself as bi - even though this is the first person of either gender she's dated. Uh-huh. Now, I don't know how young you are when your preference is set, and maybe you can know you're bi at 13. How many of them are actually just trying to say "open-minded" though? Most of them. “Open-minded” would be a bit of a misnomer on their part though, since they think that if you've ever kissed a girl, you're gay. In 15 years, most of them'll be kissing other girls to get free drinks from guys in bars. Or 'starring' ina Girls Gone Wild segment for that awesome T-shirt. But they still won't be gay. We can hope that they'll still self-identify as open-minded, but I'm not holding my breath.
8. Yeah, I get it, you’re so dark. You’ve got a picture of you right there dressed for goth night. Oh, and a survey about how you’ve attempted suicide. And lots of black and red. Oh, and a journal entry titled “fuck it”. And your favorite bands are Slipknot, NIN, System of a Down, and Marilyn Manson. Ok, then, I guess you have 100% street cred. Now will you just pay for your fucking cloves and let me buy my drink? When I see these pages, I just have the opening scene from Office Space stuck in my head, with Michael Bolton singing “real gansta-ass niggas don’t flex nuts, ‘cuz real gansta-ass niggas know they got ‘em.”
9. Standard Myspace photography.
Oh, a picture of the SW quadrant of your face. How mysterious…
And a cleavage shot. Hmm, you must be hot.
A black and white of your cat? You don’t say…
Look, you’re not Betty Page. You’re not Andy Warhol. You aren’t Giger. And you’re not making yourself interesting by faking it.
10. “Sorry! an unexpected error has occurred.” That’s funny, I expected it… ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU’VE HAD ONE 15 TIMES TODAY!!!
There’s lots more, but I’ve just noticed that I started with single lines and moved into paragraphs - a sure sign I’m getting way too into ranting.
1. Red text on black. Yeah, it's been done. And it sucks. Can't read it, so I didn't.
2. 4 pixel high fonts. Also been done, also sucks. After doing something like 6 font increases in Firefox, I still had #1 to deal with. Blargh.
3. "Who I'd like to meet: ... People who don't bring drama every where they go." Hmm... Noble sentiment. My issue with it is that I rank this page visually somewhere between Faith and the Muse and Gwar on the dramatic scale.
4. Holy hell, what happened to site design!?!? I mean, seriously, most of these pages would use the /blink tag if they knew how. Since they don't they instead fill the void in their life with as many animated gifs and half nekkid images as possible. And given how much I like nekkid, it's gotta be bad for me to complain.
5. Friendquest. Yeah, you're real popular with those 1240543 "Thanx 4 teh add! Ur so HOTTTT!" comments and 1267458 friends. This does a good job of covering up that none of them are likely to ever visit your pointless site again (unless you offer to sleep with them...)
6. Autoplaying music. Seriously, fuck you. This was done in '96 by the same people who send you all those super-touching chain emails with the hearts and teddy bears and crap. Remember those pages? With all the rainbow dividers and animated gifs and blink tags. Yep, they usually had MIDI embeds. Here we are over a decade later with animated dividers, animated gifs, and some stupendously bad New Rock crap blaring out of my speakers uncontrollably at 3 am. Oh, sorry Gabriela, go back to sleep, it's just ANOTHER DOUCHEBAG WEBSITE! On a related note, Flashblock is a great extension for Firefox...
7. Being Bi. There are plenty of people out there who are bi, and that's fine. But you know what, you don't know when you're 13. You just don't. Take my youngest brother. He's 16, his girlfriend is 14. She's had her page for about a year now. She lists herself as bi - even though this is the first person of either gender she's dated. Uh-huh. Now, I don't know how young you are when your preference is set, and maybe you can know you're bi at 13. How many of them are actually just trying to say "open-minded" though? Most of them. “Open-minded” would be a bit of a misnomer on their part though, since they think that if you've ever kissed a girl, you're gay. In 15 years, most of them'll be kissing other girls to get free drinks from guys in bars. Or 'starring' ina Girls Gone Wild segment for that awesome T-shirt. But they still won't be gay. We can hope that they'll still self-identify as open-minded, but I'm not holding my breath.
8. Yeah, I get it, you’re so dark. You’ve got a picture of you right there dressed for goth night. Oh, and a survey about how you’ve attempted suicide. And lots of black and red. Oh, and a journal entry titled “fuck it”. And your favorite bands are Slipknot, NIN, System of a Down, and Marilyn Manson. Ok, then, I guess you have 100% street cred. Now will you just pay for your fucking cloves and let me buy my drink? When I see these pages, I just have the opening scene from Office Space stuck in my head, with Michael Bolton singing “real gansta-ass niggas don’t flex nuts, ‘cuz real gansta-ass niggas know they got ‘em.”
9. Standard Myspace photography.
Oh, a picture of the SW quadrant of your face. How mysterious…
And a cleavage shot. Hmm, you must be hot.
A black and white of your cat? You don’t say…
Look, you’re not Betty Page. You’re not Andy Warhol. You aren’t Giger. And you’re not making yourself interesting by faking it.
10. “Sorry! an unexpected error has occurred.” That’s funny, I expected it… ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU’VE HAD ONE 15 TIMES TODAY!!!
There’s lots more, but I’ve just noticed that I started with single lines and moved into paragraphs - a sure sign I’m getting way too into ranting.