FIC: Turning Your Orbit Around [Iron Man ensemble, PG]
Um, okay! So. For Porn Thursday, I apparently wrote this piece of Obie/Tony wrongness, totally out of turn. In theory, there is a cracked-out high school AU, but so far it's just full of Obadiah's skeeze. I have subsequently renamed my journal for the first time ever. It is now called, "OVERCOME BY OBADIAH'S COCK." Subtitle: "your father is a sorry cocksucker."
Anyway, I asked for prompts, and here is the first of them, for takhys. I am, needless to say, not going in order.
Title: Turning Your Orbit Around
Fandom: Iron Man
Characters: Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, Obadiah, Happy, Jarvis (gen, omg.)
Rating: PG (?)
Warnings: Crack. Seriously, I think this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever written. It was the most ridiculous thing I had ever written, until I stayed up all night writing comment fic about SecretNudist!Obie. Yeah, I don't know. Read the comments for more! Or don't, actually; that will be better for everyone.
Summary: Five terribly inappropriate gifts Tony Stark has given.
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
A/N: Unbeta'd crack, I don't even know. You guys. Seriously, I mean it: crack. Thanks to takhys for the prompt. I think she wanted gifts that were completely inappropriate but kind of thoughtful, but I totally fell down on the thoughtful part. These are pretty much just inappropriate. Anyway, I am pretty sure all of the ideas in this fic belong to other people (in order): takhys, murklins, dafnap, obsession_inc, and more dafnap. Also, thanks to inediblebuddha for the WoW beta. Yes, you read that correctly. Oh, god. What have I become.
***
one.
"I made it myself," Tony says, and Pepper feels terror clutch at her heart. Nothing good has ever come of that sentence. She offers him a wan smile and gingerly accepts the gift.
"Thank you," she says, and then she tries to open it, but Tony's idea of "wrapping" apparently consists of a shoebox entirely covered in duct tape. They have to go down to the shop and get a knife.
She puts it on a table, cuts the top off, and stares. There is no other possible reaction. She is pretty sure her mouth is hanging open.
Tony comes to stand next to her, and they both look down at the open box. "Pretty cool, huh?"
"Um." Pepper swallows. "Wow. Tony. Is this. Is this a--" She feels the blush stain her skin, and she can't actually finish the sentence.
"It's a vibrator, Potts. Don't tell me you haven't seen one before."
The thing in the box looks nothing like any vibrator Pepper has ever seen. "Wow," she says again. "Is it. Is it glowing?"
"Yeah," he says, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "It's got an arc reactor in the base so it doesn't need batteries, and there are 37 different vibration patterns and frequencies." He points. "That's sound dampening, so it's totally silent. And the, uh, that part there rotates. Variable speed, of course."
"Of course." Pepper repeats numbly, still staring. "If there aren't any batteries, what's that for?" She points to something that looks like it should be a battery compartment.
"Oh, that's the fluid reservoir."
"The fluid reservoir."
"It squirts!"
"Oh my god."
two.
"I made you a mix tape."
"A mix tape? What, is it 1992?"
"Settle down, Popsicle, jeez. I made you a mix CD. Happy now?"
"Not really, no. Do I even want to know what's on it?"
"I think you do."
"I'm pretty sure I don't."
"Come on, I'm trying to do you a favor, here. It has--"
"A favor?"
"--not escaped my notice that you could use a little help with the ladies."
"You are unbelievable."
"Just trust me, okay, Pumpkin Shell? I have some experience in this area. Come on, pop it in."
"All right, all right, it's in. This-- Tony."
"Yes?"
"Is this. Tell me this is not a CD of you having sex with some chick."
three.
Obadiah is not the sort of man who wears flannel pajamas. Or any pajamas, for that matter. Tony knows this, and yet every year for Christmas: pajamas. It never fails.
He holds up this year's pair, a fairly sedate plaid, hunter green and navy blue shot through with black. He inspects them carefully, but they don't have COME AND GET IT stitched across the ass like the ones Tony got for him last year. They appear to be perfectly normal pajamas.
What the hell, Obadiah thinks. This is going to be his last pair. He puts them on.
He takes them off a few hours later, when he realizes they are programmed to play "Let's Get It On" when he unbuttons the fly.
four.
Happy's doorbell rings as he's in the middle of dinner, which is weird; he's not expecting company. He carries his slice of pizza to the door, opens it, and almost drops the plate. There's a blonde standing there in white knee-high patent leather boots, with heels higher than anything he's seen Pepper wear; white fishnets; and a very small red and white striped dress. It has crosses on the pockets, and she's wearing a little red hat.
"Um," he says. "Can I help you?"
She smiles, licks her lips. "Happy Hogan?"
He nods. "That's me."
"Strippergram, courtesy of Tony Stark."
five.
"Jarvis, I need to do some repairs."
"It'll just be a few minutes, sir."
"What do you mean, it'll be a few minutes? You got better things to do?"
"I am otherwise occupied at the moment."
"Otherwise occupied. By what?"
"The Black Temple, sir."
"The Black... oh, no. Jarvis, are you playing that game again?"
"You did purchase me a subscription, sir. I have almost defeated Illidon the Betrayer."
"So?"
"I am hopeful that this time, he will drop the Bulwark of Azzinoth."
"Wow. That sounds impressive. Okay. Show me."
"I don't think--"
"Jarvis."
"Of course, sir."
"Is that... is that you?"
"Yes, sir."
"Why do you look like Pepper?"
"This avatar has been specifically designed to maximize the gold I get when I dance in front of the auction house."
"Riiight. And... youch, that looks like it hurt."
"I'll be fine, though I thank you for your concern. I am a level-70 warrior with the majority of my talent points allocated to the protection tree."
"Okay, I'm man enough to admit it. I have no idea what that means. Sounds noble, though."
"It means I can take the hit, sir. I am a warrior."
"If you're a warrior, why aren't you wearing any pants?"
"I don't mean to be rude, sir, but can this wait? I rather need to concentrate."
"Jesus christ. Yeah, okay, I'll be on the couch. Drinking."
FIN
Anyway, I asked for prompts, and here is the first of them, for takhys. I am, needless to say, not going in order.
Title: Turning Your Orbit Around
Fandom: Iron Man
Characters: Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, Obadiah, Happy, Jarvis (gen, omg.)
Rating: PG (?)
Warnings: Crack. Seriously, I think this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever written. It was the most ridiculous thing I had ever written, until I stayed up all night writing comment fic about SecretNudist!Obie. Yeah, I don't know. Read the comments for more! Or don't, actually; that will be better for everyone.
Summary: Five terribly inappropriate gifts Tony Stark has given.
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
A/N: Unbeta'd crack, I don't even know. You guys. Seriously, I mean it: crack. Thanks to takhys for the prompt. I think she wanted gifts that were completely inappropriate but kind of thoughtful, but I totally fell down on the thoughtful part. These are pretty much just inappropriate. Anyway, I am pretty sure all of the ideas in this fic belong to other people (in order): takhys, murklins, dafnap, obsession_inc, and more dafnap. Also, thanks to inediblebuddha for the WoW beta. Yes, you read that correctly. Oh, god. What have I become.
***
one.
"I made it myself," Tony says, and Pepper feels terror clutch at her heart. Nothing good has ever come of that sentence. She offers him a wan smile and gingerly accepts the gift.
"Thank you," she says, and then she tries to open it, but Tony's idea of "wrapping" apparently consists of a shoebox entirely covered in duct tape. They have to go down to the shop and get a knife.
She puts it on a table, cuts the top off, and stares. There is no other possible reaction. She is pretty sure her mouth is hanging open.
Tony comes to stand next to her, and they both look down at the open box. "Pretty cool, huh?"
"Um." Pepper swallows. "Wow. Tony. Is this. Is this a--" She feels the blush stain her skin, and she can't actually finish the sentence.
"It's a vibrator, Potts. Don't tell me you haven't seen one before."
The thing in the box looks nothing like any vibrator Pepper has ever seen. "Wow," she says again. "Is it. Is it glowing?"
"Yeah," he says, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "It's got an arc reactor in the base so it doesn't need batteries, and there are 37 different vibration patterns and frequencies." He points. "That's sound dampening, so it's totally silent. And the, uh, that part there rotates. Variable speed, of course."
"Of course." Pepper repeats numbly, still staring. "If there aren't any batteries, what's that for?" She points to something that looks like it should be a battery compartment.
"Oh, that's the fluid reservoir."
"The fluid reservoir."
"It squirts!"
"Oh my god."
two.
"I made you a mix tape."
"A mix tape? What, is it 1992?"
"Settle down, Popsicle, jeez. I made you a mix CD. Happy now?"
"Not really, no. Do I even want to know what's on it?"
"I think you do."
"I'm pretty sure I don't."
"Come on, I'm trying to do you a favor, here. It has--"
"A favor?"
"--not escaped my notice that you could use a little help with the ladies."
"You are unbelievable."
"Just trust me, okay, Pumpkin Shell? I have some experience in this area. Come on, pop it in."
"All right, all right, it's in. This-- Tony."
"Yes?"
"Is this. Tell me this is not a CD of you having sex with some chick."
three.
Obadiah is not the sort of man who wears flannel pajamas. Or any pajamas, for that matter. Tony knows this, and yet every year for Christmas: pajamas. It never fails.
He holds up this year's pair, a fairly sedate plaid, hunter green and navy blue shot through with black. He inspects them carefully, but they don't have COME AND GET IT stitched across the ass like the ones Tony got for him last year. They appear to be perfectly normal pajamas.
What the hell, Obadiah thinks. This is going to be his last pair. He puts them on.
He takes them off a few hours later, when he realizes they are programmed to play "Let's Get It On" when he unbuttons the fly.
four.
Happy's doorbell rings as he's in the middle of dinner, which is weird; he's not expecting company. He carries his slice of pizza to the door, opens it, and almost drops the plate. There's a blonde standing there in white knee-high patent leather boots, with heels higher than anything he's seen Pepper wear; white fishnets; and a very small red and white striped dress. It has crosses on the pockets, and she's wearing a little red hat.
"Um," he says. "Can I help you?"
She smiles, licks her lips. "Happy Hogan?"
He nods. "That's me."
"Strippergram, courtesy of Tony Stark."
five.
"Jarvis, I need to do some repairs."
"It'll just be a few minutes, sir."
"What do you mean, it'll be a few minutes? You got better things to do?"
"I am otherwise occupied at the moment."
"Otherwise occupied. By what?"
"The Black Temple, sir."
"The Black... oh, no. Jarvis, are you playing that game again?"
"You did purchase me a subscription, sir. I have almost defeated Illidon the Betrayer."
"So?"
"I am hopeful that this time, he will drop the Bulwark of Azzinoth."
"Wow. That sounds impressive. Okay. Show me."
"I don't think--"
"Jarvis."
"Of course, sir."
"Is that... is that you?"
"Yes, sir."
"Why do you look like Pepper?"
"This avatar has been specifically designed to maximize the gold I get when I dance in front of the auction house."
"Riiight. And... youch, that looks like it hurt."
"I'll be fine, though I thank you for your concern. I am a level-70 warrior with the majority of my talent points allocated to the protection tree."
"Okay, I'm man enough to admit it. I have no idea what that means. Sounds noble, though."
"It means I can take the hit, sir. I am a warrior."
"If you're a warrior, why aren't you wearing any pants?"
"I don't mean to be rude, sir, but can this wait? I rather need to concentrate."
"Jesus christ. Yeah, okay, I'll be on the couch. Drinking."
FIN