Sometimes I think I should shoot myself
Hmm..I haven't updated this thinger in a while. haven’t really felt like it recently. But I'll do it now cause I'm bored and feel like procrastinating. What should I talk about? My break? Pretty uneventful, eh? I had acouple good days...Christmas well whatever I can remember from it. New Years was pretty lame. Uh..hmm. I wrote couple songs, they sucked but what can you do. I haven't heard from Cindy in a while, I think she hates me. I hung out with George and met his friends; they're a really cool bunch, always nice to meet new people also. My semester is going pretty well, I set it up so septa doesn't rape me with there prices. That's about it with me.
I'm still stuck home; I don't want to be there. Though it seems with every passing day that guy looks more and more likely to commit suicide. Not that I'm wishing that he did. I just think he sucks and my life wouldn't change much if he did. I hate being home...currently I'm at my friends dorm cause I really don't want to be there. I get nothing done, I feel trapped, alone, criticized and unwanted. I just want to get out on my own but not having money is stopping me which frustrated me. I just wanna be somewhere that I can call home. And home isn't the place where your bills head, it's that nice warm place where it smells like food and conversation with a side comfort. (Corny I know, but oh well.) I really wish I could live back in high school, not cause I miss Sophie, but I miss having the smell of food going when I came back from walking her home. I wish things didn't have to happen this way...Anyways, I'm time traveling again living life through what could have been. Not very healthy. Anyways, I just want a home to call my own. One day I guess.
I might as well get into it, since I'm feeling very "venty" tonight. I've been having a lot of dreams of my mom. They've been depressing giving me hope that there is a way to bring her back. I'm not getting all bring back the dead on ya. Just wishful thinking. But in every dream I tell her that I won't let her down, which I think I have. I've always been spoiled and now that I'm not, it's been a little rough to come along and just grow up. And it annoys everyone around me. Well mostly the macho men. Like my brother and the guy that I live with (which soon enough will commit suicide and the world would be a better place.) They think I should grow up and be a man. Though there definition of a man is drinking beer and talking about how many girls they slept with while making there current lady feel like trash. I'd rather not be like that. Well I drink, but so do girls so that doesn't make me very macho. And I personally don't care.
I've been ridiculed for being the way I am. I've done nothing wrong to anyone but they always seem to find ways to make me feel bad about the decisions I've made. Yes, I drink, smoke, listen to rock, love out of my race, enjoy proper grammar, and rather spend my friday nights hanging with friend then going out party. Of course I'd rather fall in love then have pointless sex with random women. What does that do to you? It's me and it's what I wanna be, is it so hard to live with? But lately after about 14 years of having to endure the slander for my choices as if they were wrong...I'm starting to wear out. If it'll make the world happy, I'll march to your drum, if it'll leave you alone.
Next issue is I guess you can say girls. In the last couple of months I guess I did try to move on. I mean I don’t feel like I need Sophie anymore. I don’t think that people should say bad things about her. The relationship failure was basically my fault; he lack of communication was her little situation. I wish I could say that I’m over her; I doubt that I ever will be. It’s hard to forget all of the good “comfortable love” stuff that we did. I enjoyed being with her and just having someone to hang around with me and do all that close stuff. I dunno, I don’t need anyone; I’m probably going to be single for a very long time. But I guess I just want someone to hang out with. I have friends and lots of them, but nothing like how it is to hang out with someone that isn’t thinking about anyone else except for you. Most of my friends are either in a relationship or chasing one like me. I know that they’re my friend and all, but they would rather have someone else by there side, instead of my boring unclimatic ways.
And the thought of someone thinking about you before they go to sleep and when they wake up is nice...especially when you’re doing it too. I don’t know…I’m just tired of being alone I guess…or maybe stability…or just company.
I'm still stuck home; I don't want to be there. Though it seems with every passing day that guy looks more and more likely to commit suicide. Not that I'm wishing that he did. I just think he sucks and my life wouldn't change much if he did. I hate being home...currently I'm at my friends dorm cause I really don't want to be there. I get nothing done, I feel trapped, alone, criticized and unwanted. I just want to get out on my own but not having money is stopping me which frustrated me. I just wanna be somewhere that I can call home. And home isn't the place where your bills head, it's that nice warm place where it smells like food and conversation with a side comfort. (Corny I know, but oh well.) I really wish I could live back in high school, not cause I miss Sophie, but I miss having the smell of food going when I came back from walking her home. I wish things didn't have to happen this way...Anyways, I'm time traveling again living life through what could have been. Not very healthy. Anyways, I just want a home to call my own. One day I guess.
I might as well get into it, since I'm feeling very "venty" tonight. I've been having a lot of dreams of my mom. They've been depressing giving me hope that there is a way to bring her back. I'm not getting all bring back the dead on ya. Just wishful thinking. But in every dream I tell her that I won't let her down, which I think I have. I've always been spoiled and now that I'm not, it's been a little rough to come along and just grow up. And it annoys everyone around me. Well mostly the macho men. Like my brother and the guy that I live with (which soon enough will commit suicide and the world would be a better place.) They think I should grow up and be a man. Though there definition of a man is drinking beer and talking about how many girls they slept with while making there current lady feel like trash. I'd rather not be like that. Well I drink, but so do girls so that doesn't make me very macho. And I personally don't care.
I've been ridiculed for being the way I am. I've done nothing wrong to anyone but they always seem to find ways to make me feel bad about the decisions I've made. Yes, I drink, smoke, listen to rock, love out of my race, enjoy proper grammar, and rather spend my friday nights hanging with friend then going out party. Of course I'd rather fall in love then have pointless sex with random women. What does that do to you? It's me and it's what I wanna be, is it so hard to live with? But lately after about 14 years of having to endure the slander for my choices as if they were wrong...I'm starting to wear out. If it'll make the world happy, I'll march to your drum, if it'll leave you alone.
Next issue is I guess you can say girls. In the last couple of months I guess I did try to move on. I mean I don’t feel like I need Sophie anymore. I don’t think that people should say bad things about her. The relationship failure was basically my fault; he lack of communication was her little situation. I wish I could say that I’m over her; I doubt that I ever will be. It’s hard to forget all of the good “comfortable love” stuff that we did. I enjoyed being with her and just having someone to hang around with me and do all that close stuff. I dunno, I don’t need anyone; I’m probably going to be single for a very long time. But I guess I just want someone to hang out with. I have friends and lots of them, but nothing like how it is to hang out with someone that isn’t thinking about anyone else except for you. Most of my friends are either in a relationship or chasing one like me. I know that they’re my friend and all, but they would rather have someone else by there side, instead of my boring unclimatic ways.
And the thought of someone thinking about you before they go to sleep and when they wake up is nice...especially when you’re doing it too. I don’t know…I’m just tired of being alone I guess…or maybe stability…or just company.