tonight is just for you and I....
I must shamefully admit, this is the saddest I've been in a while. I think there's too many things going on in my life right now. I need to take a step back and figure out what the heck is going on. *sigh* I need a good hard cry. If only my foolish eyes would let me.
I'm sitting here in my dark, cold apartment all alone. None of those adjectives are pleasant to me right now. What I wouldn't do to have someone here. To have someone that I could lean my head on and cry my eyes out and not have to answer a million and one questions as to what was wrong. Not to have to hear "it'll be okay"..."I know exactly what you're feeling/ going through"...I want to scream every time I hear those phrases. I've been told them my entire life and sometime I just want to say "no, no you don't have any clue." I'm tired of people telling me how I feel instead of asking me. Right now I feel a lot of things.
But, you know, I think the worst feeling of all that I'm experiencing now is the feeling that all my friends have forgotten about me. None of them bother to call or email me. A card is rare and packages are nonexistent. I know what some are thinking right now, "but Kate, how often do you do any of that for them?" True, but I try to call once in a while and email the same. The biggest difference is that they're still at home. They're still in a familiar place with familiar faces. I'm in one of the biggest cities in the states, alone, borderline homeless and struggling to make it. The worst feeling in the world is to feel forgotten.
I always wondered if when I died people would remember me and think "dang, she mattered in my life, she made a difference to me." I know now none of that would be said. I mean, I can't even be remembered while I'm alive. It reminds me of a song by one of my favorite bands....
"Do you ever wonder if i would have died...would you have righted all the tears that we've cried...over love or friendship you never really knew...if i died tomorrow what would you do...."
maybe I'll die tomorrow and you'll all be lucky and all be relieved. I will burden you no more.
I'm sitting here in my dark, cold apartment all alone. None of those adjectives are pleasant to me right now. What I wouldn't do to have someone here. To have someone that I could lean my head on and cry my eyes out and not have to answer a million and one questions as to what was wrong. Not to have to hear "it'll be okay"..."I know exactly what you're feeling/ going through"...I want to scream every time I hear those phrases. I've been told them my entire life and sometime I just want to say "no, no you don't have any clue." I'm tired of people telling me how I feel instead of asking me. Right now I feel a lot of things.
But, you know, I think the worst feeling of all that I'm experiencing now is the feeling that all my friends have forgotten about me. None of them bother to call or email me. A card is rare and packages are nonexistent. I know what some are thinking right now, "but Kate, how often do you do any of that for them?" True, but I try to call once in a while and email the same. The biggest difference is that they're still at home. They're still in a familiar place with familiar faces. I'm in one of the biggest cities in the states, alone, borderline homeless and struggling to make it. The worst feeling in the world is to feel forgotten.
I always wondered if when I died people would remember me and think "dang, she mattered in my life, she made a difference to me." I know now none of that would be said. I mean, I can't even be remembered while I'm alive. It reminds me of a song by one of my favorite bands....
"Do you ever wonder if i would have died...would you have righted all the tears that we've cried...over love or friendship you never really knew...if i died tomorrow what would you do...."
maybe I'll die tomorrow and you'll all be lucky and all be relieved. I will burden you no more.