my brain=mush
Gahhh.... I am going so insane.... I can't even handle this anymore.... I am so fiercly annoyed right now...
My dad came back yesterday, which I thought would be nice, but I have seen him 3 times since for about 2 seconds, which is suppose is normal, but it's still kind of weird. I got my parka, which unfortunately is rellly huge, but I am going to make it smaller via seamstress or something, but likely just suck it up and enjoy it. It iwould be really cute if it was smaller, but I think my grandma thinks I am way more obesce than I am... woot. Hopefully I can make it better. My grandpa sent me a book about medieval shit, as usual. Jan, on the other hand, got *another* sword. like... wow! This is where I get really pissed off.
**WARNING: Extreme displays of angst and frustration to follow**
Jan like... doesn't give a shit about swords or antiques, I mean, not more than any other teenage boy does. The extent of his desire is "omg swords are cool". He got one from my grandpa like a couple years ago and it fucking lay on the floor for the entire time (this is an antique by the way, at least a hundred years old). I later took this away from him and took it top PG with me because it was actually falling apart, and he didn't even fucking care... which says a lot. I mean, Jan is a teenager and a really fucking messy irresponsible on at that, why on fucking earth would you give someone who breaks anything of any value in short order a antique weapon? Especially when he doesn't particularly care (show my his complete lack of care for these weapons). And there is nothing wrong with him not caring, that's not my issure. I, on the other hand, am facinated by antique/medieval weaponry. I've voiced this to my grnadpa all last summer when I was there and also bitched at my dad about it last time Jan got a weapon. I actually spent all last summer with my grandfather ranting about how much I love that shit and how I'd like to learn blacksmithing so I can actually make these things myself because I love them a lot. Yet, somhow, I could see that this was not penetrating his insane sexism. Likewise with my dad. Even though I am a lover of these particular articles and usually dote over them in length when Jan gets them, they seem to actually be *actively* ignoring my desire for things of war. Even when I was talking about armor smithing with my grandfather, he was like "Oh, you should do chainmail making because it's a really good woman's job" (despite the fact that I reitterated like a million times that I wanted to do all the many aspects of this profession, not just the ones made for weak ass pussy woman, which is what they seemed to infer). So basically, Jan is being almost forcibly pushed into the whole blacksmithing thing by both my dad and my grandfather (like actually, they constantly talking/try to get him to want to go to these schools of metallurgy and are *trying* to make him a blacksmith basically) despite the fact that I am almost screaming for the oppertunity of recieving these pricless artifacts of amazing beauty. And it's all because they are sexist. I am being sexually discrimiated against by my own family because they obviously (like actually obviously) can't bear the idea of a girl loving medieval combat and weaponry and desiring to indulge in the professions entailed. To ignore my messages they would have to be trying... and they are because the both of them are becoming more and more sexist as I observe them... I'm so offended it's almost unbearable. And the thing that hurts about the weapons thing is that *everyone* knows (especially my dad) that Jan is so amazingly destructively irresponsible, yet *still* chooses to give him these beautiful antiques over giving them to me. I mean, why would my grandpa send me so many books on medieval combat if he didn't know that I loved the subject? I can't even fucking grasp it because it makes no sense. I have never mishandled things of that nature and I am even in the fucking SCA doing nothing other than *medieval combat*. Like I said.... the only reasonable explaination is that they are sexist and they would rather push Jan into it, when he doesn't really give a shit, than see a girl enjoy it.
My dad is also being all midlifecrisis and acting like a cross between an old lady and a rebellious teenage boy. It's driving me insane. Our relatiuonship is crumbling because of his insane social skills (or more like, lack of). He actually can't handle not being pedagougal (sp?). I don't think I have had a conversation of any real value with him in the past few years that didn't involve the end result being him trying to teach me this ridiculous life lesson that children with down syndrome likely understand. Things like "you have to look at a problem from all perspectives before you can make a educated opinion" and "you have to nurture your relationships if you want them to last" type of shit (which I obviously understand much better than he does). He even plays devils advocate constantly, which basically denies me the ability to have a discussion with him and know how he feels about anything. It's just really frustrating, because I obviously love him and really strongly desire a healthy relationship with him... but when he is a mysogenistic asshole, I can't expect myself to tolerate him. And when I try and point out his mistakes (in the most diplomatic ways I can so that maybe he can understand why people get frustrated with him) he freaks out and claims that everyone is ganging up on him....
GAAAAAAHHHHHHH
I don't even know what to do anymore, since I seriously feel that discussing the subject of the Jan getting weapons thing will only bring a totally insane discussion about where I end up actually hating my dad in some kind of meaningful way.
I've also realized that my thing with Kassi still isn't over. I don't know why I can't move on... like seriously.... why am I so fucking obsessed with this thing. It's like this grotesque minor rash that won;t go away. It's so small, but so itchy and everlasting. Taran brouht up that it's only a big thing to me. Which I never thought about. Whenever I hear something about her or Taran is talking to her on the net, I get emotional and it becomes a larger deal than it really is. He said that in his life, she's a pretty minor person, but to me, she seems everpresent and prevasive. I guess it's strange that way. I don't know why I can't let it go. It just hurts so much and I don't know why. She's so retardedly insignificant and pointless, yet I somehow can't shake her. I thought I had gotten rid of this seed of hate somehow... but I really haven't. I've realized that it probably won't go away until she is 100% out of my life, but that's somehow unlikely and I can't expect that. I don't even understand why after all the shit she put me through, she could still exist from the sheer power of apathy... it blows my mind.... I don't know, maybe I am just obsessive about stupid shit... maybe I just have no power over my own emotions. Why should that end up hurting me so badly (really stupid question.. wow)? And it's so retarded, that's the awesome part. How can I be so insane about something that doesn't even happen anymore? She is like basically out of my life, yet my mind still finds things to go insane about. And I am not mad I suppose... just desperate to end this. I just want it to stop and I can't seem to muster up the resilience to do it. I don't even have anything to be mad about, it feels really weird. I have no action of hers to focus my anger on, the anger/frustration just exists. I always wondered how it would feel to be a person with some messed up stupid emotional problems (since my childhood was really tame and comfortable), and now I know this seering pain and frustration. And I don't even know why. I think that's my I go insane, cause I don't even know what's going on.
Wow... I am pretty spineless... sweet.
Uh, I hate bitching.... but these past few days really warrent it....
**END**
Other than that, I daydream about PG all the time, even though I know I am not really happy there as of yet. But somehow being bored and lonly here is way worse than being that way in PG. At least there I don't have to worry about people's stupid fucking middle aged angst, sexism, brutal summer jobs, and fucked up obsessions from the past. Just me, Taran, our cat, and peace, quiet, and privacy.
For my name day (Polish birthday kind of thing) my mom wants me to get Bard on the Beach tickets, but I don't have any interest in the plays this year, so I think I will try and get her to pitch in on my tattoo (which I am still really excited to get). I've been daydreaming about it a lot, imagining it and really trying to pretend as if it were already there. If I imagine hard enough I can feel it there, and maybe I will be able to make sure I want it 100%. I'm really excited.
I just want to close my eyes and think of something happy until I can go back to my life... I love my family and friends here, but Vancouver is so stressful right now, the bonuses of being here are really ruined by everything else.
Woot.... optemism
My dad came back yesterday, which I thought would be nice, but I have seen him 3 times since for about 2 seconds, which is suppose is normal, but it's still kind of weird. I got my parka, which unfortunately is rellly huge, but I am going to make it smaller via seamstress or something, but likely just suck it up and enjoy it. It iwould be really cute if it was smaller, but I think my grandma thinks I am way more obesce than I am... woot. Hopefully I can make it better. My grandpa sent me a book about medieval shit, as usual. Jan, on the other hand, got *another* sword. like... wow! This is where I get really pissed off.
**WARNING: Extreme displays of angst and frustration to follow**
Jan like... doesn't give a shit about swords or antiques, I mean, not more than any other teenage boy does. The extent of his desire is "omg swords are cool". He got one from my grandpa like a couple years ago and it fucking lay on the floor for the entire time (this is an antique by the way, at least a hundred years old). I later took this away from him and took it top PG with me because it was actually falling apart, and he didn't even fucking care... which says a lot. I mean, Jan is a teenager and a really fucking messy irresponsible on at that, why on fucking earth would you give someone who breaks anything of any value in short order a antique weapon? Especially when he doesn't particularly care (show my his complete lack of care for these weapons). And there is nothing wrong with him not caring, that's not my issure. I, on the other hand, am facinated by antique/medieval weaponry. I've voiced this to my grnadpa all last summer when I was there and also bitched at my dad about it last time Jan got a weapon. I actually spent all last summer with my grandfather ranting about how much I love that shit and how I'd like to learn blacksmithing so I can actually make these things myself because I love them a lot. Yet, somhow, I could see that this was not penetrating his insane sexism. Likewise with my dad. Even though I am a lover of these particular articles and usually dote over them in length when Jan gets them, they seem to actually be *actively* ignoring my desire for things of war. Even when I was talking about armor smithing with my grandfather, he was like "Oh, you should do chainmail making because it's a really good woman's job" (despite the fact that I reitterated like a million times that I wanted to do all the many aspects of this profession, not just the ones made for weak ass pussy woman, which is what they seemed to infer). So basically, Jan is being almost forcibly pushed into the whole blacksmithing thing by both my dad and my grandfather (like actually, they constantly talking/try to get him to want to go to these schools of metallurgy and are *trying* to make him a blacksmith basically) despite the fact that I am almost screaming for the oppertunity of recieving these pricless artifacts of amazing beauty. And it's all because they are sexist. I am being sexually discrimiated against by my own family because they obviously (like actually obviously) can't bear the idea of a girl loving medieval combat and weaponry and desiring to indulge in the professions entailed. To ignore my messages they would have to be trying... and they are because the both of them are becoming more and more sexist as I observe them... I'm so offended it's almost unbearable. And the thing that hurts about the weapons thing is that *everyone* knows (especially my dad) that Jan is so amazingly destructively irresponsible, yet *still* chooses to give him these beautiful antiques over giving them to me. I mean, why would my grandpa send me so many books on medieval combat if he didn't know that I loved the subject? I can't even fucking grasp it because it makes no sense. I have never mishandled things of that nature and I am even in the fucking SCA doing nothing other than *medieval combat*. Like I said.... the only reasonable explaination is that they are sexist and they would rather push Jan into it, when he doesn't really give a shit, than see a girl enjoy it.
My dad is also being all midlifecrisis and acting like a cross between an old lady and a rebellious teenage boy. It's driving me insane. Our relatiuonship is crumbling because of his insane social skills (or more like, lack of). He actually can't handle not being pedagougal (sp?). I don't think I have had a conversation of any real value with him in the past few years that didn't involve the end result being him trying to teach me this ridiculous life lesson that children with down syndrome likely understand. Things like "you have to look at a problem from all perspectives before you can make a educated opinion" and "you have to nurture your relationships if you want them to last" type of shit (which I obviously understand much better than he does). He even plays devils advocate constantly, which basically denies me the ability to have a discussion with him and know how he feels about anything. It's just really frustrating, because I obviously love him and really strongly desire a healthy relationship with him... but when he is a mysogenistic asshole, I can't expect myself to tolerate him. And when I try and point out his mistakes (in the most diplomatic ways I can so that maybe he can understand why people get frustrated with him) he freaks out and claims that everyone is ganging up on him....
GAAAAAAHHHHHHH
I don't even know what to do anymore, since I seriously feel that discussing the subject of the Jan getting weapons thing will only bring a totally insane discussion about where I end up actually hating my dad in some kind of meaningful way.
I've also realized that my thing with Kassi still isn't over. I don't know why I can't move on... like seriously.... why am I so fucking obsessed with this thing. It's like this grotesque minor rash that won;t go away. It's so small, but so itchy and everlasting. Taran brouht up that it's only a big thing to me. Which I never thought about. Whenever I hear something about her or Taran is talking to her on the net, I get emotional and it becomes a larger deal than it really is. He said that in his life, she's a pretty minor person, but to me, she seems everpresent and prevasive. I guess it's strange that way. I don't know why I can't let it go. It just hurts so much and I don't know why. She's so retardedly insignificant and pointless, yet I somehow can't shake her. I thought I had gotten rid of this seed of hate somehow... but I really haven't. I've realized that it probably won't go away until she is 100% out of my life, but that's somehow unlikely and I can't expect that. I don't even understand why after all the shit she put me through, she could still exist from the sheer power of apathy... it blows my mind.... I don't know, maybe I am just obsessive about stupid shit... maybe I just have no power over my own emotions. Why should that end up hurting me so badly (really stupid question.. wow)? And it's so retarded, that's the awesome part. How can I be so insane about something that doesn't even happen anymore? She is like basically out of my life, yet my mind still finds things to go insane about. And I am not mad I suppose... just desperate to end this. I just want it to stop and I can't seem to muster up the resilience to do it. I don't even have anything to be mad about, it feels really weird. I have no action of hers to focus my anger on, the anger/frustration just exists. I always wondered how it would feel to be a person with some messed up stupid emotional problems (since my childhood was really tame and comfortable), and now I know this seering pain and frustration. And I don't even know why. I think that's my I go insane, cause I don't even know what's going on.
Wow... I am pretty spineless... sweet.
Uh, I hate bitching.... but these past few days really warrent it....
**END**
Other than that, I daydream about PG all the time, even though I know I am not really happy there as of yet. But somehow being bored and lonly here is way worse than being that way in PG. At least there I don't have to worry about people's stupid fucking middle aged angst, sexism, brutal summer jobs, and fucked up obsessions from the past. Just me, Taran, our cat, and peace, quiet, and privacy.
For my name day (Polish birthday kind of thing) my mom wants me to get Bard on the Beach tickets, but I don't have any interest in the plays this year, so I think I will try and get her to pitch in on my tattoo (which I am still really excited to get). I've been daydreaming about it a lot, imagining it and really trying to pretend as if it were already there. If I imagine hard enough I can feel it there, and maybe I will be able to make sure I want it 100%. I'm really excited.
I just want to close my eyes and think of something happy until I can go back to my life... I love my family and friends here, but Vancouver is so stressful right now, the bonuses of being here are really ruined by everything else.
Woot.... optemism