dair love in television without pity recaps
*EDIT JULY 2011*
I TAKE ALL THIS BULLSHIT BACK, THE MAN DISGUSTS ME. i hate him forevs
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Hey, my dear fellow soon-to-be-suffering Dair fans!! I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with the hilarious Gossip Girl recaps on Television Without Pity, but for those of you who aren't, I'm pretty much here to be a human ad for them. I should totally contact them and make them pay me for this. Anyway, they're kind of ridiculously long, but really worth it if you have free time to kill. The guy who writes them is constantly making fun of and calling out every character for all their overdramatic bullshit, so even if you hate every storyline not involving DB (and let's face it, who doesn't) these recaps are still worth reading. So if anyone's interested, but not that interested, aka just wants to read the DB stuff, I've picked out the parts from three episodes where he talks about them, and needless to say, he adores them like we do. Which is even more amazing coming from someone who used to hate on them like a d-bag in his pre-season 4 recaps. K ENJOY
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EPISODE 10: Gaslit - http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/gossip_girl/gaslit_1.php
...And finally and most beautifully -- a stifled scream, a blinked-back tear perhaps, from this guy over here -- a stranger walks into DUMBO, where Dan is apparently not having sad mental institution Thanksgiving with the rest of those geezers. Who is it? Is it Vanessa? For it is always Vanessa. But soft, this time it is not. It is Blair Waldorf, queenly and apologetic. She was on the wrong side the whole time, betting on Lily when clearly Serena was in the right. She voted against Dan on multiple occasions, despite the furious love of Miss S that lashes them together so violently. So what else can she do, besides conscript him -- this enemy, this disdained thing, this other self, this brother -- into the worst fucking ass-kicking of Juliet's life?
"What do you say we find that bitch and get a little frontier justice?" Blair asks. Sparks zap between their hands before they even shake on it, szzssing at the edge of hearing like a Tesla miracle, and everybody's hair stands straight on end.
EPISODE 12: The Kids Are Not All Right - http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/gossip_girl/the_kids_are_not_all_right_1.php?page=1
...eventually (Dan) and a similarly holiday-stranded Waldorf decided to go to the French monkey movies together, as sort of a Pyrrhic act of protest against the cruelties of life. With Dan and Blair both trying to forget they ever went on their BFF date -- and finding it difficult -- it seems everyone is even more distracted from reality than usual.
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Wearing a truly adorable paillette-trimmed dress, Blair is more than a little happily surprised to see S back from her two-week mission, although she's about equally stressed between having accidentally dated Lonelyboy and the ridiculous outback-looking cowboy hat that S took with her on her journey.
...And what was Blair up to? "FUCKING NOTHING!" she squeals, and then comports herself: "I DID NOT GO ON A DATE WITH DAN HUMPHREY AFTER TOURING THE SEASIDE IN ADORABLE OUTFITS." One more try, Babydoll. "I SUPERVISED DOROTA TAKING DOWN THE CHRISTMAS TREE AND THE HANUKKAH BUSH AND THEN I SAT VERY STILL WITH JUST A GLASS OF WATER AND SOME MAGAZINES." Stealthy, stealthy moves the Waldorf.
...S, who could not care less about anything, is like, "Yeah, so where is Dan? I need to talk to him or whatever about something, not sure what, I'm sure it'll come to me." Blair's eyes bug out again. "I DON'T KNOW WHERE DAN IS, STOP PROSECUTING ME SERENA BROCKOVICH. I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS 'DAN' YOU SPEAK OF. IS HE A POWERFUL WOMAN?"
Kinda yes, kinda no.
But in the interest of being friends and showing a caring loving roommate side and for no other reason, what exactly is the situation between Serena and her brother/lover? Serena's like, "Um, I forget? To be honest it slipped my mind. I'm finding him and Nate harder and harder to tell apart. I was planning on asking him at Family Brunch, because we are brother and sister and so that's clearly the least awkward time to ask him to remind me. Maybe our other brother Chuck will be there, and he can film us doing it."
"Well, here's my advice: Have a little faith. And if that doesn't work, a lot of mimosas." Because now B has great affection for both of them, sure, and wants to go subtly to bat for Lonelyboy, but also because if S takes him away she solves the entire problem of Dan: Stealthy, stealthy. The one time B actually wants S to take something off her plate.
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Dan shows up Chez Waldorf for the meetup with Serena that we all know will never happen, and B assumes he's there to pitch woo, but when he mentions Serena she just starts laughing in his face: "Well, she's not here to see you. Shocker. She's off scheming with Chuck. Disguises are involved, it can't end well."
Blair, come on. Serena + Disguises = 100% Magic Guaranteed. The very concept of Schemes was invented so we can watch Serena do them. But because the writers know we need maximum snarky cute banter to buy this storyline, the conversation between Dan and Blair -- like all conversations between them -- crackles with validly awesome, verbal swordplay.
"You do know that 'Powerful Woman' is not actually a career, right?" Neither is Serena van der Woodsen, but ten bucks says that you'll miss your interview waiting for her. Yet again. "Ten bucks whatever harebrained scheme you're cooking up blows up in your face, as per usual." Loitering lounge is upstairs. "Already there, sister." Git.
Way to allocate resources! I mean, if you could ever possibly believe that excellence is a finite resource, it would be best to put it right here, where you put it.
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Blair laughs in Serena's face when she shows up looking for Dan almost a half-hour late, and S almost feels bad about fucking him over again, and suddenly it's Reality Check Time. Number one, why are you so obsessed with stupid Ben that you would hurt your best friend besides me; number two, you have no idea who Ben is now after all his time in the big house -- "They're all good men before something happens to them, S" -- and number three, essentially, you are the bad thing that happens to them usually, which number four, why are you being such a bitch to Dan.
Serena's head joggles from side to side with that one, which is stated only very obliquely, but it's nice because she responds to the implications and not the words: "I thought you hated Dan." Blair nods awesomely: "I do. So very much. But whatever it is that you see in him, he seems to see in you as well. I know you want to focus on Ben, but maybe you're avoiding your future, not fixing your past."
And so very many loving props to Blair, the immune system/security dog/bodyguard of the entire Upper East Side, for this characteristically sudden and sharp acceptance of Dan as one of the many innocents she has to shepherd and protect. You know she didn't think about it even a second -- doing so would shrivel her like the Witch of the East's Jenny-striped stockings -- but just leapt intuitively all the way to:
"Love you, Serena, but this isn't okay. I've already mentioned it once and you continue to disobey me, so I've stepped up to oblique references. Next alert level is Yellow, and just trust me when I say you don't want to get there. Now get with the program and accept the fact that Dan is your Future, because I really need him off the fucking market."
I don't think I've ever felt closer to Blair Waldorf, in four years. That is a little too close, if I'm being honest, for comfort.
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...but then (Dan) says the most awful Humphrey thing of all the Humphrey Things he's ever said:
"James Franco's giving a reading of some of his short stories at Housing Works."
Although to be fair -- and possibly still riding a Blair-induced cleverness high -- he follows up with, "The Writers House agent is going to be there, so I'm going to go and try to woo him... The agent, not James Franco."
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Blair whooshes down beside Dan, and asks how come he's still there since he went huffing off ten minutes ago, and he's like, "Yeah, also they can't find my coat either. But on the upside, you're clearly not carrying Indra Nooyi's head as a trophy, so my guess is you owe me ten bucks." (He says the word "ten" in a very cutely douchy way that I can't otherwise describe.) On the other hand, Serena screwed Dan over twice today, so Dan owes B twenty bucks. They are so great. So great!
Dan asks her what's wrong, why did you just kick the coat-check girl's knee backwards like Nina Sayers, and Blair's like, "WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. But since we're totally friends and always have been, here's the whole deal: I kind of shit on my mom's life for no good reason." Dan points out that Eleanor is A) A Powerful Woman, B) Bitchy and abusive but also kind of cool, and C) Consider your area: "You care about fashion more than most people care about, uh... Well, anything. You used to send girls home crying from Constance for wearing tights as pants. You're an evil dictator of taste, Blair. Why deny that just because it's what your mother does?"
You can actually see him preen for coining that clever description -- but not as much as the writer of this episode's about to! -- and there's a bit more, but it's more of the same and not really as sparkling on paper as it is in their performances, because they rule.
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(Eleanor) tries to think of the perfect phrase, the mot juste, the essential gold that only a true poet laureate could produce, and B fills in the blanks: "A dictator of taste."
"Exactly! I love that, who said that?"
...the next part is a major -- and majorly sweet and touching -- thing for the show, which is when asked who said that about her, B smiles demurely and just says, "A friend of mine..." Awww.
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Warpaint's "Elephants" plays as Dan comes downstairs and says he's not going to be visiting for awhile and Blair tells him to go swallow dirty pennies from toilets of course and of course he asks her to go see another movie and of course she goes without any prompting at all, and S heads over to the jailhouse for her final mind-blowing Serena Move of the night.
EPISODE 15: It-Girl Happened One Night - http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/gossip_girl/it-girl_happened_one_night_1.php
Grateful, Ben tells Dan to take the article straight to Condé Nast himself and find out who the new Epperly is. I sure hope it's not somebody he crudely betrayed!
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Dan comes looking for the new Epperly, and assumes that Blair has had her murdered or kidnapped to the Balkans. Blair tells him to eat a bunch of dicks and she'd rather staple his stupid puff piece to his leg than pass it along to the other editors at the Condé Nast Family Of Publications, because they are not friends, because he is a gross bad man. He threatens to beat her up again, and she tells him to go be a cater waiter, and he responds that all those jobs are taken, because he gave them all to Ben. B pushes Dan out a window and then calls up Raina, who abruptly cancels in her characteristically forthright fashion.
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...then a little awkward dialogue where Dan "misspeaks" about how he wants to spend Valentine's Day with Blair, but not like that (but totally like that). Eric says if it's B's help Dan wants, he better settle in for a long date, and Dan says he's decided to attend the invisible party in the hopes of Humphreying her into submission and getting that article published somewhere.
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Dan runs up to Blair and asks if she read the article, and even though she did and already passed it on, she says she doesn't have to: "I know what it's about, a boy from Brooklyn and an untouchable Upper East Side blonde." Nicely played, Waldorf. She hands him this line about how she is now an arbiter of taste (thanks to him!) and that championing "some lame Humphrey lamentation" would be akin to "showing up at an accessories shoot in Crocs." He starts down a typical Dan path about how people can change and mature and grow into the kind of people who does what he tells them to, and she wanders off to pit S against the lies of her lover, Ben.
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Outside the lovers' nest, Daniel is staring at (Chuck and Raina) yearning for something he can't speak aloud, and then Lily shows up and asks him where Charles is, and he points weakly at the door, which is closing on their passion, and then doubles over with a pain so deep and intense it could only be assuaged by Ben showing up at this party and having a big dumb fight with Serena van der Woodsen and then hobbling back to DUMBO in need of a drinking buddy and a firm shoulder to cry on.
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Blair and Dan find their way to the lovers' nest, and Blair's like, "He is taking this manipulative game of his pretty far," and Dan tries to explain that Chuck is in love with Raina, but just then they both come rushing back, so Blair and Dan hide behind an arras like Polonius.
...Meanwhile, behind the curtain, Dan is amazed that Chuck's coming off so sincere, but the deathmask of Blair's broken heart is like, "Shut up, he's not lying. This is the real shit. This is the Charlie Trout shit, right here." Dan tries to take her hand, without looking at her; Blair jerks away, without looking at him; both of those things are: Perfect.
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B sends Serena off to be with Ben for the last few minutes of Valentine's Day, and then lets Dan know that she already submitted his article to Vanity Fair and was just dicking him around this whole time. Why? Because they are BFF, secretly, but out loud maybe even more shockingly, because it was: Good. "Sharp, and well observed. When it comes to experiencing an ex with a new love, you have some insight."
Ha! The only time people read on this show is when it's thinly veiled autobiographical Dansturbation. Of course Blair's like, "I see the quality, now that it perfectly describes my own situation." Anyway, they climb into their separate beds and watch Rosemary's Baby together on their laptops, because they are each other's Valentine but could never go on a real date right now. It's like Age Of Innocence or Witness where you only touch people with gloves, only instead of gloves it's Netflix.
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Um, Serena and Ben mush their faces together. Dan and Blair mush their brains together.
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DAMN that took way too long