Close Your Eyes and Think of Ascension ~ SGA (McShep)
Hey, everyone, I just wanted to say how much I really appreciate all your positive feedback. I stumbled into this fandom almost by accident, but I love it, so it's nice to know that I'm sharing that love.
Now, so far all my fics have gone up un-betaed, fixed later if I notice some typo or something, but it'd be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of, or get feedback from before everyone gets to see it, just to keep me on track. I'm planning a larger holiday-themed piece (I think) over the next few weeks, and it'd be great to have encouragement. If anyone's interested in the job, let me know.
And here it is, your moment of zen:
---
Title: Close Your Eyes and Think of Ascension
Author: icantfollow
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Tao of Rodney
Summary: Episode Tag - "The way one friend feels about another friend." Yeah, right.
A/N: I'll be honest - the title's my favorite part. XD It really deserves a pr0nish story, but I can't write that, so there's this instead.
"You know," says Rodney, walking uninvited into John's room, which is mercifully free of candles, "I couldn't help noticing, even semi-conscious as I was, that I was on my deathbed, and you were using my last few minutes to make it abundantly clear that any affection you might feel for me is strictly platonic in nature."
John looks up from his golf magazine, his expression serene.
"I'm sorry," he replies calmly, "was there a question in there somewhere?"
Rodney takes a seat on John's bed, extremely conscious of the fact that John shifts slightly away from him.
"I also can't help noticing that ever since I didn't die, you've been avoiding me. Care to enlighten me? I wasn't exactly fishing for a declaration of love, Sheppard. I was trying to Ascend."
John smoothes the sheets on his bed, and idly flips pages in the magazine. He won't look at Rodney, so Rodney keeps talking, hoping to provoke some kind of response.
"I was dying, Sheppard. Don't you think that was kind of a bad time to be homophobic?"
John stiffens, and Rodney prods further. It's like poking a porcupine; probably a stupid thing to do, but there's an odd desire to see how long he can keep doing it before John will poke back.
"The incredibly macho Ronon didn't feel the need to point out we were only friends. He actually hugged me."
Finally, Sheppard's icy calm snaps, and he leaps to his feet.
"What do you want from me?" he growls. "I was scared. You were dying, Rodney, and I didn't know what to think or how to feel. That was the first thing that came to mind!"
"Oh, that's comforting," Rodney replies flippantly. He means it as a joke, but Sheppard's face goes dark. The whole inquiry was simply a way to get under Sheppard's skin so things could get back to normal, but Rodney has the sinking suspicion he's stumbled into something deeper.
"People talk, you know," snaps Sheppard, though obviously Rodney doesn't.
"About what?"
"About us! You and me and our...friendship."
Rodney feels like his insides have turned into a roller coaster, complete with twists, loops, and sudden drops. You must be this tall to ride this digestive system.
"Look, I know I wasn't very helpful, but, damn it, you were talking about eulogies and cremation and no matter what I did I just kept thinking about ferris wheels, and about how the hell I was supposed to keep going if you died and -"
John runs out of breath, and for possibly the first time in his life, Rodney finds himself at a loss for words.
"Um," Rodney manages, "I'm not angry."
John stumbles over his skateboard, and falls back onto his bed, still maintaining a distance between them.
"You're not?"
"No." Rodney clears his throat. "I only wanted you to talk to me again, and Elizabeth said you were still interested in becoming a superhero, so I thought I'd remind you how I almost died -"
"As if I need reminding."
The words weren't sarcastic, like Rodney's been talking too much about his near-death experience and everyone can recite the story along with him, but cold and hard, like John's been thinking about it every second and it hurts.
"Oh," says Rodney. "Oh."
"Yeah." Sheppard is quiet. Too quiet. Meditative quiet, and Rodney doesn't like it. He's perversely proud of being that close to Ascension, but he doesn't think he ever wants to be that quiet again.
"Don't die on me, okay?"
"I won't if you won't," Rodney replies automatically, like it's all some big joke. They are such guys. Sometimes Rodney wishes he could be like Teyla or Elizabeth and just say the things he feels without fear of massive embarrassment, but he's not wired that way and neither is Sheppard. So they have to make do with awkward looks and uncomfortable silences, and just hope that the other understands.
Rodney gets up to leave, but Sheppard calls him back.
"Rodney, when you were telepathic..."
And Rodney knows what he's going to ask.
"I didn't read your mind," he says. "Well, except when you were thinking that I was going to die. That was kind of hard to block out. I promise."
"Oh. Good." Sheppard does that thing where he shifts position and tilts his head to one side in an effort to look nonchalant. "Why not?"
This is probably as close as they're ever going to get to talking about feelings, so Rodney doesn't avoid the question, though he holds back.
"Oh, you know, I thought it would be an invasion of privacy."
John stands and takes two steps forward, now leaning against the wall with that slouch he likes so much.
"Like that would ever stop you," says John, and his fierce expression says, I want the truth.
So Rodney gives it to him.
"I was afraid I might not like what I heard." There's a sharp, in-drawn breath, and John is looking at him with something akin to horror and suddenly Rodney can't breathe.
"You - you think I keep things from you? Important things?"
"No," says Rodney uncertainly, backing up against the door, regretting he ever came because, damn it, things would have worked out on their own and now their friendship is unutterably fucked. He starts to babble. "I think I wanted to hear something so badly that if I didn't hear it, in your head where I knew it was true, then it would hurt so much that I wouldn't be able to look you in the eye - very much like this moment now."
John looks so uncomfortable, and Rodney wants to bolt for the lab where he can bury himself in those gibberish equations that made sense a few days ago. He has just made the biggest mistake.
"Rodney," says John, interrupting the stream of incoherent thoughts rushing around Rodney's brain. He licks his lips and stands straighter, obviously bracing himself for some momentous action. "Uh, not like a friend. Okay?"
Rodney blinks. And nods. "Okay."
A dazed look crosses John's face, like he's been hit from behind with a Wraith stunner. For a brief moment Rodney panics and thinks he's going to forget everything that just happened.
"Sheppard? What are you thinking about?"
But John's familiar, charming smile comes out of hiding. "Ferris wheels," he murmurs.
"Blue skies?" offers Rodney, exhaling with relief.
"Counting breaths," John agrees, taking another step closer and closing the space between them.
"Attractive near-Ascended women."
"Just don't Ascend without me."
"I won't if you won't."
They might as well go out fighting.
Now, so far all my fics have gone up un-betaed, fixed later if I notice some typo or something, but it'd be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of, or get feedback from before everyone gets to see it, just to keep me on track. I'm planning a larger holiday-themed piece (I think) over the next few weeks, and it'd be great to have encouragement. If anyone's interested in the job, let me know.
And here it is, your moment of zen:
---
Title: Close Your Eyes and Think of Ascension
Author: icantfollow
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Tao of Rodney
Summary: Episode Tag - "The way one friend feels about another friend." Yeah, right.
A/N: I'll be honest - the title's my favorite part. XD It really deserves a pr0nish story, but I can't write that, so there's this instead.
"You know," says Rodney, walking uninvited into John's room, which is mercifully free of candles, "I couldn't help noticing, even semi-conscious as I was, that I was on my deathbed, and you were using my last few minutes to make it abundantly clear that any affection you might feel for me is strictly platonic in nature."
John looks up from his golf magazine, his expression serene.
"I'm sorry," he replies calmly, "was there a question in there somewhere?"
Rodney takes a seat on John's bed, extremely conscious of the fact that John shifts slightly away from him.
"I also can't help noticing that ever since I didn't die, you've been avoiding me. Care to enlighten me? I wasn't exactly fishing for a declaration of love, Sheppard. I was trying to Ascend."
John smoothes the sheets on his bed, and idly flips pages in the magazine. He won't look at Rodney, so Rodney keeps talking, hoping to provoke some kind of response.
"I was dying, Sheppard. Don't you think that was kind of a bad time to be homophobic?"
John stiffens, and Rodney prods further. It's like poking a porcupine; probably a stupid thing to do, but there's an odd desire to see how long he can keep doing it before John will poke back.
"The incredibly macho Ronon didn't feel the need to point out we were only friends. He actually hugged me."
Finally, Sheppard's icy calm snaps, and he leaps to his feet.
"What do you want from me?" he growls. "I was scared. You were dying, Rodney, and I didn't know what to think or how to feel. That was the first thing that came to mind!"
"Oh, that's comforting," Rodney replies flippantly. He means it as a joke, but Sheppard's face goes dark. The whole inquiry was simply a way to get under Sheppard's skin so things could get back to normal, but Rodney has the sinking suspicion he's stumbled into something deeper.
"People talk, you know," snaps Sheppard, though obviously Rodney doesn't.
"About what?"
"About us! You and me and our...friendship."
Rodney feels like his insides have turned into a roller coaster, complete with twists, loops, and sudden drops. You must be this tall to ride this digestive system.
"Look, I know I wasn't very helpful, but, damn it, you were talking about eulogies and cremation and no matter what I did I just kept thinking about ferris wheels, and about how the hell I was supposed to keep going if you died and -"
John runs out of breath, and for possibly the first time in his life, Rodney finds himself at a loss for words.
"Um," Rodney manages, "I'm not angry."
John stumbles over his skateboard, and falls back onto his bed, still maintaining a distance between them.
"You're not?"
"No." Rodney clears his throat. "I only wanted you to talk to me again, and Elizabeth said you were still interested in becoming a superhero, so I thought I'd remind you how I almost died -"
"As if I need reminding."
The words weren't sarcastic, like Rodney's been talking too much about his near-death experience and everyone can recite the story along with him, but cold and hard, like John's been thinking about it every second and it hurts.
"Oh," says Rodney. "Oh."
"Yeah." Sheppard is quiet. Too quiet. Meditative quiet, and Rodney doesn't like it. He's perversely proud of being that close to Ascension, but he doesn't think he ever wants to be that quiet again.
"Don't die on me, okay?"
"I won't if you won't," Rodney replies automatically, like it's all some big joke. They are such guys. Sometimes Rodney wishes he could be like Teyla or Elizabeth and just say the things he feels without fear of massive embarrassment, but he's not wired that way and neither is Sheppard. So they have to make do with awkward looks and uncomfortable silences, and just hope that the other understands.
Rodney gets up to leave, but Sheppard calls him back.
"Rodney, when you were telepathic..."
And Rodney knows what he's going to ask.
"I didn't read your mind," he says. "Well, except when you were thinking that I was going to die. That was kind of hard to block out. I promise."
"Oh. Good." Sheppard does that thing where he shifts position and tilts his head to one side in an effort to look nonchalant. "Why not?"
This is probably as close as they're ever going to get to talking about feelings, so Rodney doesn't avoid the question, though he holds back.
"Oh, you know, I thought it would be an invasion of privacy."
John stands and takes two steps forward, now leaning against the wall with that slouch he likes so much.
"Like that would ever stop you," says John, and his fierce expression says, I want the truth.
So Rodney gives it to him.
"I was afraid I might not like what I heard." There's a sharp, in-drawn breath, and John is looking at him with something akin to horror and suddenly Rodney can't breathe.
"You - you think I keep things from you? Important things?"
"No," says Rodney uncertainly, backing up against the door, regretting he ever came because, damn it, things would have worked out on their own and now their friendship is unutterably fucked. He starts to babble. "I think I wanted to hear something so badly that if I didn't hear it, in your head where I knew it was true, then it would hurt so much that I wouldn't be able to look you in the eye - very much like this moment now."
John looks so uncomfortable, and Rodney wants to bolt for the lab where he can bury himself in those gibberish equations that made sense a few days ago. He has just made the biggest mistake.
"Rodney," says John, interrupting the stream of incoherent thoughts rushing around Rodney's brain. He licks his lips and stands straighter, obviously bracing himself for some momentous action. "Uh, not like a friend. Okay?"
Rodney blinks. And nods. "Okay."
A dazed look crosses John's face, like he's been hit from behind with a Wraith stunner. For a brief moment Rodney panics and thinks he's going to forget everything that just happened.
"Sheppard? What are you thinking about?"
But John's familiar, charming smile comes out of hiding. "Ferris wheels," he murmurs.
"Blue skies?" offers Rodney, exhaling with relief.
"Counting breaths," John agrees, taking another step closer and closing the space between them.
"Attractive near-Ascended women."
"Just don't Ascend without me."
"I won't if you won't."
They might as well go out fighting.