ATTN: EVERYONE IMPORTANT FOR WHATEVER REASON!!!
so i'm all at CVS last night because i seemed to have run out of shaving cream and i'd been rockin' the Nanook of the North look for a good week and although a sexy look indeed, it was starting to get itchy and people were asking me for directions to the Homeless Veteran's Shelter fairly regularly.
*
* see also: hell
CVS, if at this point in your life you have yet to realize, is easily the most evil and horrid place on earth. the second i step foot inside one, i forget exactly why the fuck i am there or what it was i needed in the first place. we all do this at record stores because we get distraced because we're all like "jesus christ 2 Pac released ANOTHER album? someone should just shoot that guy already and hey snap bracelets are back in! neat!" But at CVS i think they pipe something through the ventilation system of recycled air that purposely scrambles your brain so you buy something entirely different than what you went in for, and have to return for the original item in mind at a later date. In my case, this is usually realized a good ten minutes after i have gotten back home with a bag of out of date pretzels that should i buy 5 more bags of said pretzels and send in the UPC codes, i get a plastic sand pail and matching shovel. So then I'm all mentally mapping out blueprints for the sand castle i am going to build after i gorge myself with pretzels and how this sand castle will undoubtedly be the final catalyst needed in my overtaking the world so i can make my neighbor's cat king and myself CEO of everything. But then i look in the mirror and see that i have pretzel crumbs all in my chin whiskers and it's FUCK! SHAVING CREAM SONNOFAGAODDAMMIT ALL!
and back off to CVS i go.
THIS time i go in mentally prepared and head STRAIGHT for the men's grooming section but maybe not before i am temporarily drawn into the Halloween isle where ooo! candy corn! but BRAD NO FOR 25 CONSECUATIVE HALLOWEENS YOU HAVE TRIED CANDY CORN *JUST* TO SEE IF MAYBE JUST MAYBE THEY CHANGED THE RECIPE THIS YEAR SO THEY DIDN'T TASTE LIKE COMPLETE ASS THIS TIME IT IS SAFE TO SAY THEY PROBABLY STILL SUCK ABORT ABORT!
so i quickly steer myself to the left down through the medicine isle where i come across THIS STUFF:
and holy mother of moses liquid(?) medicine that stays ON the spoon even when turned upside down???? how ingenious is this?! you can totally chase your kids all over the house with this stuff whithout fear of it spilling off the spoon! and if your kids are too fast for you can simply throw the spoon at their heads and the medicine stays put! take that Johnny now you're sick AND knocked the fuck out!
ok so i buy this stuff anyway whatever shut it but i still know what i am here for.
finally i make it to the shaving cream section with only my NON-NEWTONIAN SUBSTANCE-LIKE COUGH SYRUP (A.K.A MY TAKING OVER THE WORLD JUICE) in tow, but *gasp!* they don't even HAVE the kind of shaving cream i use wtf! See, i use Edge shaving cream because the name makes me feel like i'm some XTREME sport person that only listens to drum and bass because everything else sucks and i could die on my motocross snowboard tomorrow but i don't care cuz i'm tuff and on ESPN2 and have a sick endorsement deal with Oakley.
so shit now i have to go out on a limb and get something else that has every opportunity to make the next two months worth of shaving a fucking nightmare and where i'm not XTREME at all. but wait what? Neutrogena shave gel? what's this? woah RAZOR DEFENSE?! "defense" being the operative word here guys. see also: badass. i am sold.
turns out this is the most amazing shit ever. coupled with my Gillette Mach 3 Turbo razor blade, I am now the smoothest shaved fighter pilot of all time. if you are a guy, or a girl with abnormally high testosterone levels (i don't discriminate, peeps), YOU NEED TO GO BUY THIS STUFF and shave your face with it.
there is a point to this story and it is thus,
it may be in your best interest to familiarize yourself with *this* face because i am a mere four bags of pretzels away from him owning your every movement.
*
* see also: hell
CVS, if at this point in your life you have yet to realize, is easily the most evil and horrid place on earth. the second i step foot inside one, i forget exactly why the fuck i am there or what it was i needed in the first place. we all do this at record stores because we get distraced because we're all like "jesus christ 2 Pac released ANOTHER album? someone should just shoot that guy already and hey snap bracelets are back in! neat!" But at CVS i think they pipe something through the ventilation system of recycled air that purposely scrambles your brain so you buy something entirely different than what you went in for, and have to return for the original item in mind at a later date. In my case, this is usually realized a good ten minutes after i have gotten back home with a bag of out of date pretzels that should i buy 5 more bags of said pretzels and send in the UPC codes, i get a plastic sand pail and matching shovel. So then I'm all mentally mapping out blueprints for the sand castle i am going to build after i gorge myself with pretzels and how this sand castle will undoubtedly be the final catalyst needed in my overtaking the world so i can make my neighbor's cat king and myself CEO of everything. But then i look in the mirror and see that i have pretzel crumbs all in my chin whiskers and it's FUCK! SHAVING CREAM SONNOFAGAODDAMMIT ALL!
and back off to CVS i go.
THIS time i go in mentally prepared and head STRAIGHT for the men's grooming section but maybe not before i am temporarily drawn into the Halloween isle where ooo! candy corn! but BRAD NO FOR 25 CONSECUATIVE HALLOWEENS YOU HAVE TRIED CANDY CORN *JUST* TO SEE IF MAYBE JUST MAYBE THEY CHANGED THE RECIPE THIS YEAR SO THEY DIDN'T TASTE LIKE COMPLETE ASS THIS TIME IT IS SAFE TO SAY THEY PROBABLY STILL SUCK ABORT ABORT!
so i quickly steer myself to the left down through the medicine isle where i come across THIS STUFF:
and holy mother of moses liquid(?) medicine that stays ON the spoon even when turned upside down???? how ingenious is this?! you can totally chase your kids all over the house with this stuff whithout fear of it spilling off the spoon! and if your kids are too fast for you can simply throw the spoon at their heads and the medicine stays put! take that Johnny now you're sick AND knocked the fuck out!
ok so i buy this stuff anyway whatever shut it but i still know what i am here for.
finally i make it to the shaving cream section with only my NON-NEWTONIAN SUBSTANCE-LIKE COUGH SYRUP (A.K.A MY TAKING OVER THE WORLD JUICE) in tow, but *gasp!* they don't even HAVE the kind of shaving cream i use wtf! See, i use Edge shaving cream because the name makes me feel like i'm some XTREME sport person that only listens to drum and bass because everything else sucks and i could die on my motocross snowboard tomorrow but i don't care cuz i'm tuff and on ESPN2 and have a sick endorsement deal with Oakley.
so shit now i have to go out on a limb and get something else that has every opportunity to make the next two months worth of shaving a fucking nightmare and where i'm not XTREME at all. but wait what? Neutrogena shave gel? what's this? woah RAZOR DEFENSE?! "defense" being the operative word here guys. see also: badass. i am sold.
turns out this is the most amazing shit ever. coupled with my Gillette Mach 3 Turbo razor blade, I am now the smoothest shaved fighter pilot of all time. if you are a guy, or a girl with abnormally high testosterone levels (i don't discriminate, peeps), YOU NEED TO GO BUY THIS STUFF and shave your face with it.
there is a point to this story and it is thus,
it may be in your best interest to familiarize yourself with *this* face because i am a mere four bags of pretzels away from him owning your every movement.