the three hour sales pitch
i've always been of the opinion that if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. i've also held fast to a suspicious opinion of anything "timeshare" related. so on wednesday when i received a call from an exuberant lailey about how she was being given a free vacation for two to san francisco and she wanted me to hit up a presentation with her to claim the prize, i was a little more than apprehensive. but as is usually with lailey, she was excited and sincere and i have a hard time saying no to that. plus i've always had a slightly morbid fascination with what goes on at these sales pitches. so last night lailey and i, posing as a couple, stepped behind the dark veil and into the nauseating world of timeshare.
one of lailey's friends was nice enough to drive us the forty minutes north to bothell, and after a starbucks latte pit-stop and some poor directions, we arrived twenty minutes late to TRENDWEST. under soft light and safe top forty radio (thanks cheryl crow, you've been stuck in my head for twelve hours now) we were ushered into the already in progress infomercial at the front of the room. said infomercial was dressed in a size xxl hawaiian shirt and kaki pants, with blow dried hair. he led us through a quick overview of the product: resort vacationing. this is really all i have to say about his presentation; he wasn't convincing anybody with his mention of "twin 18 month olds" that he was straight. not buying it guy, have some pride, it's timeshares for chrissake. but wait no, it's not timeshares, this is something completely different and amazing. this is not timeshares it's TRENDWEST. i can be an owner of 58 estates around the country by the end of the night. think of that, going from a guy with no car to being real-estate king, take that donny trump!
post infomercial all of the couples were hit one on one (or two on one as it were). our "guide" was gale, a portly middle-aged gentleman, also hawaiian shirt clad. i suppose this was designed to put us in a vacationing mindset without seeming like a corporate uniform. gale took us from one light box photoshopped picturesque landscape to the next. each complete with a swimming pool or maybe a fourteen hole green. yes, i could already see myself sipping a mai tai, enjoying the good(TRENDWEST)life. from cabana to bungalow, we were treated to stories of golfing with his goddaughter, to skiing with his goddaughter, to watersliding with his (you guessed it) goddaughter. it was whimsical almost to the point of being pedophilic creepy. in the midst of these light hearted get-away stories he informed us of his two alcoholic ex-wives...without. missing. a. beat. aaaand back to vacation land. seriously, i was momentarily dazed by how randomly that was thrown in and how he swung right back into the sales pitch.
in the midst of this you have to understand that the offer was originally posed to couples only, so we are playing the parts of a couple in love. one of the most awkward couples ever. lailey and i holding hands is like asking a brother and sister to makeout in front of a crowd. we were already uncomfortable enough, but apparently these sterile gestures of the touch of an arm or an intentional hand on the back, were enough to convince gale of two things: we were in love and the only thing we loved more than each other was vacationing.
eventually we are sat down and given the car salesman pitch. we've been convinced of the product and now it's time to ante up. this involves number crunching, credits, bonus points and single-mother-with-two-kids-who-can-afford-this anecdote.
when all was done and we were asked (being flat out asked surprised me) if we were in. lailey took the lead as the dutiful "girlfriend" and told him that it all sounded great, but we couldn't make a decision tonight. like the $21,000 decision that they wanted right then. gale warned us of some nefarious fellow with the ever so slightly symbolic name of "bill" who, if we came back even the following day, would require a cashier's check for the full twenty-one grand. gale wasn't just offering amazing vacations, he was offering us a reprieve. immunity. "bill" obviously was some sort of three-headed demon that didn't want us have any vacation fun. sadly we'd take our chances with possible regret and future harm from battle with "bill".
we were shifted again to a polite, generically attractive, blond woman who took a brief "survey" and offered us one last chance to buy in. a two or three sentence sales pitch which involved us dropping $695 on the spot to secure a future vacation and try out the service for the next year. "we're not spending any money tonight," i flatly told her. lailey and i received one of the most icy, dissatisfied stares we'd ever received in our brief couplehood. she curtly directed us to the "prize window" where we collected our 3 day, 2 night all expense paid trip to san francisco along with a pair of mariners tickets. we then proceeded to get the fuck out.
amazingly as we exited into the parking lot neither of us felt empty with our lack of lifelong vacation plans as future fake spouses with our imaginary children. but i'm sure somewhere "bill" has a smug look on his face.
soon to come. part two: gidget, lailey and seth go to san francisco.
one of lailey's friends was nice enough to drive us the forty minutes north to bothell, and after a starbucks latte pit-stop and some poor directions, we arrived twenty minutes late to TRENDWEST. under soft light and safe top forty radio (thanks cheryl crow, you've been stuck in my head for twelve hours now) we were ushered into the already in progress infomercial at the front of the room. said infomercial was dressed in a size xxl hawaiian shirt and kaki pants, with blow dried hair. he led us through a quick overview of the product: resort vacationing. this is really all i have to say about his presentation; he wasn't convincing anybody with his mention of "twin 18 month olds" that he was straight. not buying it guy, have some pride, it's timeshares for chrissake. but wait no, it's not timeshares, this is something completely different and amazing. this is not timeshares it's TRENDWEST. i can be an owner of 58 estates around the country by the end of the night. think of that, going from a guy with no car to being real-estate king, take that donny trump!
post infomercial all of the couples were hit one on one (or two on one as it were). our "guide" was gale, a portly middle-aged gentleman, also hawaiian shirt clad. i suppose this was designed to put us in a vacationing mindset without seeming like a corporate uniform. gale took us from one light box photoshopped picturesque landscape to the next. each complete with a swimming pool or maybe a fourteen hole green. yes, i could already see myself sipping a mai tai, enjoying the good(TRENDWEST)life. from cabana to bungalow, we were treated to stories of golfing with his goddaughter, to skiing with his goddaughter, to watersliding with his (you guessed it) goddaughter. it was whimsical almost to the point of being pedophilic creepy. in the midst of these light hearted get-away stories he informed us of his two alcoholic ex-wives...without. missing. a. beat. aaaand back to vacation land. seriously, i was momentarily dazed by how randomly that was thrown in and how he swung right back into the sales pitch.
in the midst of this you have to understand that the offer was originally posed to couples only, so we are playing the parts of a couple in love. one of the most awkward couples ever. lailey and i holding hands is like asking a brother and sister to makeout in front of a crowd. we were already uncomfortable enough, but apparently these sterile gestures of the touch of an arm or an intentional hand on the back, were enough to convince gale of two things: we were in love and the only thing we loved more than each other was vacationing.
eventually we are sat down and given the car salesman pitch. we've been convinced of the product and now it's time to ante up. this involves number crunching, credits, bonus points and single-mother-with-two-kids-who-can-afford-this anecdote.
when all was done and we were asked (being flat out asked surprised me) if we were in. lailey took the lead as the dutiful "girlfriend" and told him that it all sounded great, but we couldn't make a decision tonight. like the $21,000 decision that they wanted right then. gale warned us of some nefarious fellow with the ever so slightly symbolic name of "bill" who, if we came back even the following day, would require a cashier's check for the full twenty-one grand. gale wasn't just offering amazing vacations, he was offering us a reprieve. immunity. "bill" obviously was some sort of three-headed demon that didn't want us have any vacation fun. sadly we'd take our chances with possible regret and future harm from battle with "bill".
we were shifted again to a polite, generically attractive, blond woman who took a brief "survey" and offered us one last chance to buy in. a two or three sentence sales pitch which involved us dropping $695 on the spot to secure a future vacation and try out the service for the next year. "we're not spending any money tonight," i flatly told her. lailey and i received one of the most icy, dissatisfied stares we'd ever received in our brief couplehood. she curtly directed us to the "prize window" where we collected our 3 day, 2 night all expense paid trip to san francisco along with a pair of mariners tickets. we then proceeded to get the fuck out.
amazingly as we exited into the parking lot neither of us felt empty with our lack of lifelong vacation plans as future fake spouses with our imaginary children. but i'm sure somewhere "bill" has a smug look on his face.
soon to come. part two: gidget, lailey and seth go to san francisco.