"I'VE BEEN CLENCHING MY FISTS FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS."
when i was 14 years old, i became highly experienced in all arenas of avoidance, denial, manipulation, and instant (always temporary) gratification.
these were the only ways i knew how to "cope" with a fucking huge trauma without actually processing anything associated with it. it probably comes as no surprise; years of holding the guilt, the violation, the sadness, the worthlessness, and the ugliness at bay resulted in utter mental and emotion collapse.
melodramatic as it sounds, over the last couple of months, surviving with such hatred and lack of control didn't feel like an option. surviving at ALL didn't feel like an option. at one particularly desperate moment, i actually wished he had just killed me and saved my friends and family the trouble of having to deal with my bullshit.
i never really believed that the only way to start to heal and make positive changes is to hit "rock bottom", but at risk of sounding cliche yet again, i now understand that once you get to that all-time low, if you have the slightest bit of will power, the only way to go is up.
that's where i am right now... on a swift and steady incline. i want to say that i'm "bouncing back", but i'm definitely not back to anything i've known before. for the first time in my memory, i have an inkling balance, motivation, and self-acceptance.
a large number of friends really, really came through for me and awakened in me a genuine desire to get help, and i'm sure most of these people don't even realize what they did for me: the words of encouragement, the hilarity, the lack of judgement, the hugs, the ears that ungrudgingly took in my gut-spillage at ungodly hours over the last couple of months... my friends and family saved my life one tearful, hug-full, fun-full night at a time. i don't know how i can begin to thank them. i hope i'm capable of giving them even just a fraction of the support and love they gave me if any one of them are in a time of crisis or need.
so yeah, it's good to just say all of that stuff. or type it. maybe my next journal entry won't be so psycho-babbly.
these were the only ways i knew how to "cope" with a fucking huge trauma without actually processing anything associated with it. it probably comes as no surprise; years of holding the guilt, the violation, the sadness, the worthlessness, and the ugliness at bay resulted in utter mental and emotion collapse.
melodramatic as it sounds, over the last couple of months, surviving with such hatred and lack of control didn't feel like an option. surviving at ALL didn't feel like an option. at one particularly desperate moment, i actually wished he had just killed me and saved my friends and family the trouble of having to deal with my bullshit.
i never really believed that the only way to start to heal and make positive changes is to hit "rock bottom", but at risk of sounding cliche yet again, i now understand that once you get to that all-time low, if you have the slightest bit of will power, the only way to go is up.
that's where i am right now... on a swift and steady incline. i want to say that i'm "bouncing back", but i'm definitely not back to anything i've known before. for the first time in my memory, i have an inkling balance, motivation, and self-acceptance.
a large number of friends really, really came through for me and awakened in me a genuine desire to get help, and i'm sure most of these people don't even realize what they did for me: the words of encouragement, the hilarity, the lack of judgement, the hugs, the ears that ungrudgingly took in my gut-spillage at ungodly hours over the last couple of months... my friends and family saved my life one tearful, hug-full, fun-full night at a time. i don't know how i can begin to thank them. i hope i'm capable of giving them even just a fraction of the support and love they gave me if any one of them are in a time of crisis or need.
so yeah, it's good to just say all of that stuff. or type it. maybe my next journal entry won't be so psycho-babbly.