soo...

[atimeforpeace]

i've decided that all i really want (besides seeing my novel published and have it on the best seller list) is to have someone to take care of me.  that's all.  hold me when i'm sad.  listen to me when i bitch.  help me with my situation.  stroke my hair.  kiss me.  drive my car if i dont feel up to it.  carry my heavy stuff.  love me.  respect me.  cuddle me.  surprise me with a flower or breakfast in bed.  cover me up with a nice afghan when im sleeping.  kiss my forehead.  watch sappy or ridiculous movies with me.  i want the devotion that i give to come back to me.  it would perpetuate such a nice circle, because i do all of those things, i just don't get them back.  i don't think i ever will, to be totally honest.  i will always love the other person way more than they would love me.  i don't think im unloveable, but evidence suggests otherwise.  the abandonment really sucks.  i mean, it's with anyone- family, friends, whatever.  i can count the people who've abandoned me completely on all 10 fingers, and all 10 toes.  am i that shitty? is it the depression?  because guess what, i got a doctor to believe me and i'm on meds now.  and guess what, besides this, I AM HAPPY.  i'm fighting depression and anxiety and social anxiety.  i'm not the me i was 16 years ago, 10 years ago, 2 years ago, months ago, or even two weeks ago.  i'm brand new.  and old or new, i want to be taken care of.  not in an annoying way, not so i lose my independence, not a lap dog or anything stupid like that.  i want to be cared for.  i want to be adored.  loved.

...the kindest, most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me was done by andre.  we went to walk down the stairs and he said "im not being rude by walking in front of you.  im being polite, because if you fall, i'm here to catch you." i love that man (non sexually).  there just aren't enough andres.  or people who love like i do.