cleaning up and moving out
I did nothing today but rummage through old boxes of papers and folders and clothes. I found old notes and writing.. all very nostalgic. It feels creepy, as Katharine would say. I read a letter from her that she wrote to me when I moved to UF and she had moved to New York, our first summer away. She said she had found old notes from freshman year and how they creeped her out. She said, "maybe one day this note will creep you out." And there was a sticker of some antique looking flowers. Katharine is so great.
Looking through the last box, tonight I found an old dream. I had died and was living in a sort of family unit with a presiding woman with red hair. I didn't remember my death, and it took me a while of living there to notice I had died. I visited a funeral of a teenage boy. I didn't remember him, but I got to sit up front, next to the casket. Inside, the boy slept surrounded in strawberries. He woke up to tell someone that came up to see the casket to not touch something. We gently reminded him to lay back down, and he complied. The dream went on and into more detail, that I think I'll keep to myself. But I believe I awoke in tears.
--
So, I am 20 years old. I think it's time I start accepting that fact. I bought a suit, you know. Four buttons, very classy. And a sharp overcoat for when it rains and snows. I got a comment from Angie the other day saying we better have as much fun as we can.. being crazy around Inverness. Because when I get back we'll be too old. Man, that killed me.
And I am so afraid my tan will leave me. But of course it will.. I have already made plans to do all my reading and homework outside. I think I look so much healthier than I did a few months ago. Dark skin. Light hair. Clear skin. I haven't looked this way since I was four. It really makes me feel whole. I think emotional health reveals itself in outward appearances sometimes as well. Break my jaw, and I'll be set.
I leave on Friday. I have tomorrow and the next day to pack. I am going to ship my things to my house in Brooklyn, and I'm just going to fly. I have hardly packed at all. It seems like the sort of thing to do the night before. But I have so much stuff.. what do I leave behind? Everything? Maybe those boxes of papers and old clothes weigh me down. I think I keep them so I can prove my youth to my children.
I only need my computer, my clothes, and photography equipment and portfolio.. Everything else I will hide in the down stairs closet. I will clear a space and cram some rubber-made tubs in the corner. What if there was a fire? I need to let some things leave. I wish we had a wonderfully spacious attic. [it would have just turned into a room though]
Anyway, I think Sunday was the closest I have been to being sure of New York. Anytime else I'm not sure about anything in general. Living on a tropical island for the rest of my life might be nice. I'd like to be stranded with a few friends and live for some years. We could live on separate ends of the island, and only meet for special occasions. Like dinner. That's the only time I would enjoy sea food.
--
What if I don't ever want to be in a relationship? What if all this "waiting" never stops? What if there is an amazing young woman moving to New York? What if she doesn't know why she moved out there until she meets me? What if I get to New York and don't talk to a soul? What if I'm mysterious? Haha.. I don't think I could be if I tried. or maybe I already am.
I better stop this before it gets any more ridiculous.
I will try to be in Gainesville tomorrow.
And I just realized the day is gone.
And my blood flows faster.
Looking through the last box, tonight I found an old dream. I had died and was living in a sort of family unit with a presiding woman with red hair. I didn't remember my death, and it took me a while of living there to notice I had died. I visited a funeral of a teenage boy. I didn't remember him, but I got to sit up front, next to the casket. Inside, the boy slept surrounded in strawberries. He woke up to tell someone that came up to see the casket to not touch something. We gently reminded him to lay back down, and he complied. The dream went on and into more detail, that I think I'll keep to myself. But I believe I awoke in tears.
--
So, I am 20 years old. I think it's time I start accepting that fact. I bought a suit, you know. Four buttons, very classy. And a sharp overcoat for when it rains and snows. I got a comment from Angie the other day saying we better have as much fun as we can.. being crazy around Inverness. Because when I get back we'll be too old. Man, that killed me.
And I am so afraid my tan will leave me. But of course it will.. I have already made plans to do all my reading and homework outside. I think I look so much healthier than I did a few months ago. Dark skin. Light hair. Clear skin. I haven't looked this way since I was four. It really makes me feel whole. I think emotional health reveals itself in outward appearances sometimes as well. Break my jaw, and I'll be set.
I leave on Friday. I have tomorrow and the next day to pack. I am going to ship my things to my house in Brooklyn, and I'm just going to fly. I have hardly packed at all. It seems like the sort of thing to do the night before. But I have so much stuff.. what do I leave behind? Everything? Maybe those boxes of papers and old clothes weigh me down. I think I keep them so I can prove my youth to my children.
I only need my computer, my clothes, and photography equipment and portfolio.. Everything else I will hide in the down stairs closet. I will clear a space and cram some rubber-made tubs in the corner. What if there was a fire? I need to let some things leave. I wish we had a wonderfully spacious attic. [it would have just turned into a room though]
Anyway, I think Sunday was the closest I have been to being sure of New York. Anytime else I'm not sure about anything in general. Living on a tropical island for the rest of my life might be nice. I'd like to be stranded with a few friends and live for some years. We could live on separate ends of the island, and only meet for special occasions. Like dinner. That's the only time I would enjoy sea food.
--
What if I don't ever want to be in a relationship? What if all this "waiting" never stops? What if there is an amazing young woman moving to New York? What if she doesn't know why she moved out there until she meets me? What if I get to New York and don't talk to a soul? What if I'm mysterious? Haha.. I don't think I could be if I tried. or maybe I already am.
I better stop this before it gets any more ridiculous.
I will try to be in Gainesville tomorrow.
And I just realized the day is gone.
And my blood flows faster.