Surviving the Winter

[athousandlives]

Standing in the waiting room of some office uptown, I take off my scarf and huge coat. I'm thirty-one floors up and it is starting to snow. I can see the river from up here. I don't take the time to get my bearings to figure out which river, I just think about the last time I was in a building this high. It was on the Upper East Side while I was

Comments

[athousandlives]

I think it was situations I was disappointed in. And there were plenty of situations that had nothing to do with you. I was going to write a couple more paragraphs in my entry about all of it but I decided not to.

I have a lot of thoughts on why it was so upsetting over break when it was between us.. and why I felt like I had just broken up with someone after New Years.

I can see patterns in myself. ... I'm not sure if I want to talk about it on livejournal. Or even talk about it at all.

It's hard when you invest so much into a relationship with the opposite sex. There's a lot of extra crap to deal with. I felt like it wasn't fair, that I had been a close friend for a long time and because of that we become each other's priorities. And then any random guy can become a boyfriend and he automatically gets more from you than I ever had. [And I don't mean physically]

But I understand now that this comes with these female friendships. The same thing has happened to me before, and it is my fault for putting myself in that position. And I'm trying not to put myself there anymore. I had to convince myself to put you in the same place you put me in your priorities. And that felt like I was breaking up with someone. And it made me think if this is what it feels like with a close friend then I can't imagine breaking up with a relationship deeper than that.

"It is what it is" There's no fault or hurt feelings. I'm not in an improper place in your priorities. I need to start dating. I always just filled in for my lack of intimate relationships with these really close friendships. This is the queerest comment of your Lyfa.

I could go on and on but I think I'm just going to let everything go because it wouldn't do any good otherwise. Everything's fine, Angie. Everything will work out. It always does.

Adam

[beaudolan]

I hate the hard stuff. And I hate that I am contributing to it instead of comforting you about it.

I have always felt like I we were in some sort of strange, open, non-physical semi-platonic relationship. Because we sort of always have been. Because I am obsessed with you. And you with me, I think. And its so wierd how everything works out and I guess it was inevitable that it would all blow up one day.

I am thinking so many things right now (and for the past year) that I am not willing to ever say on livejournal. Or ever, maybe.

I guess its just that time. How long could we drive around Inverness with a bullhorn torturing people? Do we know how to be friends like grown ups? Are we occasional phone call, meet me for lunch sometime kind of people?

Anyways, I love you. Like a brother, or a boyfriend, or a best friend, or nachos, or Mates of State, or what ever it is that we are. And I wish that I could give you the biggest hug of your life right now.

I miss being how we were. A long time ago. Before the boyfriends. Before Alicia. Before that one Gainesville trip. Before New York. Before the whole mess of things.

This comment is more queer than yours was,

Angie