Why dark fic?
I read whump, hurt/comfort, and dark fic. And I'm finally starting to understand why.
It captures a moment. That moment when a character is taken beyond their limits and it's too much and they can't endure any more and they just need it to STOP and it doesn't because someone else is doing what they want with them and there's nothing they can do to stop it. And the shame and the fear that come after. Especially the fear... once you've been THAT helpless, THAT powerless over what happens to you, part of you will never be able to feel safe again.
I read those fics because it's the only safe way I know to approach that terrifying spot in my own mind. If I think about events from my past that resulted in the same feelings, I can't handle it. I usually don't feel any emotions about it at all. And I keep it walled off so well, that until recently, I didn't even realize some of the things that are connected to it. Like the fic thing. I really didn't understand why I was drawn to such dark fics, and for the longest time it tore me apart, thinking I must be some kind of pervert or sadist for wanting to read those... but that's not it at all.
I am not a sadist. I don't enjoy the suffering of others. I wouldn't even enjoy BDSM *play* in real life. What's in it for me reading these fics is the wave of intense emotion and empathy for the character -- things I *can't* feel for myself, but letting myself feel them for a fictional character soothes that walled-off part of my mind that's always there hiding in the background...
It has to be a fictional character. The suffering of others in real life is too horrifyingly real. It has to be a strong character who has a good chance of recovering from his experiences. It has to be a "him" -- a "her" hits too close to home. But a fic with the right ingredients makes it *just far enough away* from me that I can safely allow myself to feel...
I know I'm probably not the only person who reads dark fic for this reason. Peace and healing to you all, where-ever you are... Please know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody is being harmed, and you are not a sadist who enjoys the suffering of others. Your mind is reaching to heal itself however it can, and if dark fic brings you some catharsis or comfort, that's a good thing.
It captures a moment. That moment when a character is taken beyond their limits and it's too much and they can't endure any more and they just need it to STOP and it doesn't because someone else is doing what they want with them and there's nothing they can do to stop it. And the shame and the fear that come after. Especially the fear... once you've been THAT helpless, THAT powerless over what happens to you, part of you will never be able to feel safe again.
I read those fics because it's the only safe way I know to approach that terrifying spot in my own mind. If I think about events from my past that resulted in the same feelings, I can't handle it. I usually don't feel any emotions about it at all. And I keep it walled off so well, that until recently, I didn't even realize some of the things that are connected to it. Like the fic thing. I really didn't understand why I was drawn to such dark fics, and for the longest time it tore me apart, thinking I must be some kind of pervert or sadist for wanting to read those... but that's not it at all.
I am not a sadist. I don't enjoy the suffering of others. I wouldn't even enjoy BDSM *play* in real life. What's in it for me reading these fics is the wave of intense emotion and empathy for the character -- things I *can't* feel for myself, but letting myself feel them for a fictional character soothes that walled-off part of my mind that's always there hiding in the background...
It has to be a fictional character. The suffering of others in real life is too horrifyingly real. It has to be a strong character who has a good chance of recovering from his experiences. It has to be a "him" -- a "her" hits too close to home. But a fic with the right ingredients makes it *just far enough away* from me that I can safely allow myself to feel...
I know I'm probably not the only person who reads dark fic for this reason. Peace and healing to you all, where-ever you are... Please know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody is being harmed, and you are not a sadist who enjoys the suffering of others. Your mind is reaching to heal itself however it can, and if dark fic brings you some catharsis or comfort, that's a good thing.