Fic: Splintered, Part Nine
Part Eight
Part Nine: Visiting Hours
Alfred cleared his throat. "Mr. Kent is here to see you."
Bruce looked up from The Economist to see Clark entering the kitchen, his left hand covering his glasses, feeling his way blindly.
"Is it safe?"
He sighed. "Yes, Clark, it's safe. You don't have to worry about me falling in love with you. You couldn’t possibly compare to Zatanna."
Clark raised an eyebrow. "After all we've been to each other, Bruce? I'm hurt."
"Get over it. Zee's the only one for me." And he scribbled on the whiteboard that had never left his side since the previous day:
It never stops! Don't get me wrong, Zatanna's cute and all,
but this is completely nuts.
Clark laughed. "So I shouldn't put some of the Tears in Lois's coffee tomorrow?”
You’d drop her in the ocean after a day or two of this crap.
"By the way, Clark, have you seen Zatanna?"
"Um, no."
"I really miss her."
Clark slowly shook his head. “You’ve got it bad. I never thought I’d see you lose your head like this.”
I can’t control my speech or my feelings, but at least I can still think. Just pretend I've got Tourette's
"Okaaay then… But seriously, don't you think it's time to come up with a new cover story for the press? That Asiatic flu excuse is getting old."
"Tell them I'm with my sweetie Zatanna." He wrote, You come up with something. You're the writer.
"What about the League? People are starting to notice."
Just tell the League I'm being anti-social, he wrote. They'll believe it.
"No kidding."
"You know, Zatanna -"
"She really loves you, you know," Clark said quietly. "And I don't mean Zee."
Bruce paused, and then wrote, slowly,
Yeah, she really does. Can't figure out why.
"Must be your boyish charm."
It worked on Lois, he wrote.
Clark snorted. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"
He wrote:
Just paying you back for that little re-enactment
you and Wally-boy did the other night.
"I have no idea what you're talking about. Wally and I have something very special together."
Yeah, he wrote. Two functioning brain cells. Not sure how he gets along without any.
Clark laughed. "Same old Bruce. How are you holding up?"
"Aside from missing Zee terribly and being stuck at home for days on end, I'm doing swimmingly."
"Darn, I wish I could publish this." Clark opened his briefcase and pulled out two bottles of Czech beer. "These are good. Have one."
"Nice." Bruce reached over to get a bottle opener. "Alfred would be appalled I'm not pouring it into a glass. Zatanna wouldn't care, because she loves me."
"Yeah, well, I'll make you a member of the petite bourgeoisie any day now."
"No way am I going middle class. And if that were the case with you, that should be a Schlitz, not imported Czech beer, you poser. Zatanna? Not a poser."
Clark raised his bottle. "To women."
"To Zee-Zee." They clinked bottles, and he hastily scribbled, To Diana. And Zatanna is nice, too.
"Lois has been wondering how you've been doing. She was all ready to start researching a story about that mysterious Asiatic flu you supposedly contracted."
How'd you stop her? he wrote.
"I didn't. Perry did. He suggested she write an exposé on corruption in city government instead, especially on their procedures for awarding rebuilding contracts."
Bruce wrote, Saved by the boss. Guess you haven't told her your big secret, then.
"I was going to, but then…events interfered."
What's your excuse now? he wrote.
"I'm not sure whether Lois would be mortified that she hadn't figured it out, or insulted that I thought she hadn't." Clark's voice rose slightly. "And why are you so interested?"
Touched a nerve, did I? Bruce thought.
He wrote:
I said I'd look out for her. She needs to know. If she doesn't hear it from you, she'll be hurt. I won't stand for it.
"I don't suppose you've ever hidden something important. Of course not. The Batman's always right."
Bruce sipped his beer. I wish.
He picked up the dry-erase marker again, and wrote: Damn straight. And don't you forgit it.
Then he crossed out the word he'd deliberately misspelled, and rewrote it.
"A joke. That's new. You know, Bruce, you've changed since you joined the League -"
Bruce held up his hand to protest, not trusting himself to speak.
"- yes, I know you've always said you're just a part-timer. Then why are you around so much?"
Somebody has to keep you honest, he wrote.
"I presume that's a plural 'you'?"
Bruce nodded.
"All of us? Even Diana?" Clark looked at him closely. "How exactly are you keeping her honest?"
He wrote:
She keeps me honest.
* * *
Bruce grunted in annoyance. One of the wires in his speech synthesizer had slipped out of position again, and he couldn't quite fit it into place.
His hands could be put to better use, caressing Zatanna's lithe body, he found himself daydreaming. Even after twenty years, she didn't seem to have changed much physically, although he hadn't been in a position to examine her as closely as he had that one time -
Not going there, for so many reasons. Wonder what she really thinks of me. Probably good she's staying away until tonight.
And the daydreaming started again. Maybe tomorrow night he could invite Zatanna over. Alfred could make them a special dinner, and they could get reacquainted…
He heard the transporter hum and his heart skipped a beat, hoping it was Zee arriving early. Instead, Shayera stepped off the platform. He was surprised to realize that he wasn't disappointed.
"Clark said I should stop by. Something about how my mace would help you with a problem you're having." She handed it to him.
Right. The nth metal disrupts magic. Good one, Clark.
"I figured I owed you a favor for telling me about Rex."
Bruce finally felt free of the sweet haze that had been clouding his brain. As a test, he pictured Zatanna; a pretty woman, his friend, his colleague, his teenage crush, the first woman he'd deceived…but not his love. He released the breath he'd been holding.
"Bruce?" Shayera asked. "Hello? You with us?" She glanced around the Cave. "I don't see anything here that would be improved with a whack of my mace, unless you want me to demolish that structure you have in the middle. That wasn't there the last time I was here. Looks like it's in the way."
"Better leave it alone for now. I might need it again."
"Should I ask what you needed it for in the first place? You keeping someone prisoner down here?"
Only myself, he thought. "It's a magic thing."
"Oh. Okay… didn't think you did much with magic. But hey, suit yourself." She picked up one of the chairs scattered about, reversed it, and sat down. "You know, I haven't seen much of you lately since the whole Diana… thing. You've even been out of the tabloids."
"Don't tell me you read those things."
She shrugged. "Helps if I'm aware of the latest rumor about me when a reporter jams a microphone in my face."
"People are getting over it, Shayera. It'll take time, but they will trust you again. It happened with Superman."
She looked skeptical. "Says you. How do you know what people think?"
"I'm still monitoring anti-Hawkgirl websites and chatrooms. Trust me; there's improvement."
"I guess if someone as pessimistic as you sees improvement, it must exist." She shifted her wings. "I'd better go; I'm on the evening shift. Want me to leave my mace? I stopped carrying it in my patrol car; it interfered with the spell that hides my wings. One of the winos we busted was jabbering on about my being an angel and how he'd seen some light and was going to lay off the sauce." And she smiled, as if remembering something.
"I could use it, yes. Let me know when you need it back."
"Okay." She stood on the transporter pad, and put her hand to her ear to call the Tower.
"Shayera -"
"What?"
"Thanks."
She grinned. "Not a problem, Bruce. Let's get together sometime. I haven't kicked your ass in the training room for a while."
"Oh, is that what you remember? Guess my Batarang hit you harder last time than I thought."
* * *
The intercom crackled to life. "Princess Diana of Themyscira is here."
"Send her down," Bruce said, and he returned to programming the speech synthesizer.
At the sound of heels on the stairs, Bruce looked up from his workbench.
Diana stepped onto the Cave floor, her face resigned. "How are you doing?"
"Better, now that you're here." He smiled. "I've missed you."
"Bruce? Did Zatanna -"
He pointed to the mace sitting on the workbench. “God bless Thanagarian technology. It’s dampening the magic. We can't have it here when Zatanna arrives, but it's giving me a brief respite."
Bruce knew he'd never forget the look of sheer joy on Diana's face. "Oh, thank Hera!" she exclaimed, flying into his arms. Her momentum unbalanced the stool, and after a few wobbly moments, they fell unceremoniously on the cold, hard floor.
"You're slowing down, Princess. You should have had us in the air before we hit the ground."
"My brave warrior. You jump off rooftops, walk up walls, and yet you can't keep yourself from falling off a stool?"
He smirked. "Couldn't help it. You're too heavy."
"You," she said, poking his chest, "are being a pain. There are consequences for that."
"Really? I don't see enough of your sisters here to take me on."
"Oh, they're not needed." And she started to tickle him. "And I wouldn't let them near you, anyway."
"This isn't fair," he said, mightily resisting the urge to laugh. "I'm not wearing the Batsuit."
"That's the point. You're defenseless - just the way a man should be."
"I'll show you 'defenseless.'" And he gave as good as he got, tickling her mercilessly until their laughter echoed through the Cave.
He managed to roll on top of her, narrowly avoiding the fallen stool. "Now, who's defenseless?"
Her expression sobered. "I'd say we both are, against each other. Maybe that's a weakness." She sighed. "I've never met anyone like you."
"Not even Odysseus?" he said, raising an eyebrow.
She rolled her eyes. "I never met him, just read Homer's and other writers' accounts of him, heard rumors, the usual. You and he are both heroes, but he was just trying to survive whatever the gods decided to throw at him. You've dedicated your life to pursuing justice. I'd say you're the better man." She was looking calmly up at him, as if daring him to contradict her.
Bruce felt uncomfortable under her gaze, so he glanced away. Diana seized the opportunity and quickly gained the upper hand, pinning him down and laughing gaily. He tensed, half-expecting to feel the first symptoms of a panic attack.
“Are you - are you all right?” Diana started, her eyes wide.
“I - I think so. Just a false alarm, I guess.” He realized he was sweating.
“Great Hera’s crown - I am so sorry.” She looked stricken
He mopped his brow. “It’s okay. I think it was mostly fear that it might happen.”
“If you would rather I leave - “
“Absolutely not.” He smiled. “I think you were being very persuasive, in fact.”
“Was I now?”
“Well, you did have me pinned. Far be it for me to disagree with an Amazon who has me in a wrestling hold."
"I didn’t have you in a hold," she said, suddenly coy, her fingers tracing his chest. "You were just too lazy to toss me off you."
"Maybe I’m just too smart."
"If you're so smart, why are we still talk- mmph."
His lips stopped her teasing.
After a few heated minutes, Diana raised her head and smiled. "This is nice, but I can't wait until we can break Aphrodite's spell, and you'll be back to normal."
"If you want normal, you'd be better off with someone else."
"You know what I mean. I've missed your particular brand of abnormality. Not to mention, I’ve enjoyed helping you with your…problem."
As much as Bruce was enjoying the feel of Diana's body entwined with his, he couldn't help glancing at the clock. "Zatanna will be here soon. We need to return Shayera's mace before she arrives."
"Shayera must like you to let you borrow it without her being here," Diana said, a bit sulkily.
He noted her suddenly jealous tone with a certain satisfaction. "I asked first, unlike you. We men are more diplomatic. You Amazons could learn a lot from - umph."
She continued showing him how much Amazons had to teach him until Alfred's voice informed them of "Ms. Zatara's" imminent arrival.
* * *
With less than a minute to spare, Diana had hastily asked the Watchtower to teleport the mace into Shayera's quarters. It had been unnerving how quickly the fog had returned once Shayera's mace had been taken away.
Zatanna entered, looking very business-like. "I like your idea of a sacrifice, Diana, but I think there's something we need to do first."
Bruce noticed how cute Zee-Zee - Zatanna, you dolt! - was when she put on her "planning face".
"What could we possibly have to do first?" Diana asked, folding her arms and scowling.
Zatanna sighed. "We need to get all the Tears from Selina, or this whole thing you're planning will be for naught. I know you're chummy with the Olympian Powers, but I don’t think it wise to assume we could repeat the whole thing if Selina tried again."
"But he's already -"
"We don't know," Zatanna interrupted impatiently, "whether the effects are exclusionary or not. We've been calling it a potion out of convenience, but that's not technically what it is at all. Nobody 'cooked this up', so it's not bound by any of the rules of alchemy. For all we know, 'snoogums' here -"
Bruce beamed. Diana fumed.
"- could be induced to fall in love with every member of his rogues' gallery, if he kept getting splashed."
"No way! Zatanna's the only one for me." Still beaming, he scribbled on the whiteboard:
Are you serious?
"'Fraid so," Zatanna said, looking glum.
He wanted to embrace her and cheer her up. His marker worked furiously.
Did I mention that I want this fixed NOW YESTERDAY!
"Repeatedly," Diana said, sighing.
Bruce sat down again and resisted the urge to kick something, his thoughts in turmoil. I am not going to be Joker's boy toy! There has to be
a way to…
Wait a minute.
"Zee babe," he heard himself say, wincing, "was your plan to go get Selina? You’re so smart."
Zatanna blinked, clearly surprised to hear something other than nauseating claptrap come out of his mouth.
Bruce cleared his throat. "Come on, Zatanna, tell us more about this brilliant plan that came from that sexy brain of yours."
Diana looked exasperated.
Sorry.
Zatanna closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. "Having a man eating out of your metaphorical hand is not all it’s cracked up to be."
He wrote:
So what were you going to do?
Ask Selina politely to give you the rest of the Tears?
"Yes, minus the 'politely' bit," Zatanna said grimly. "And I thought Diana could use the lasso on her to get her to tell us where she's hidden them."
“Well, I’m going with you, hot stuff.”
"You're in no condition -" Diana began.
He held up a hand to interrupt her. "Zatanna, don't you think that Selina would love to see how happy we are together?" And he wrote:
There is no way she wants me to be like this. She values freedom too much to wish slavery on anyone.
Zatanna appeared thoughtful. "He's got a point, you know."
Diana just stared at her. "You can't be taking this seriously. Selina, value freedom? She chose to do this to him!"
“People do stupid things for love, Diana - or whatever they think of as love, anyway.” Zatanna tapped her foot impatiently. “Put your feelings
aside and think about it." she continued, as Diana drew breath again to protest. "You can always use the lasso, but it would be best if we could get her to help us willingly. I think she'll be more likely to cooperate if she sees what the Tears did to him."
"I am going to use the lasso whether she cooperates or not! How can we trust her otherwise?"
Brue cleared his throat, and they both looked at him. “Zatanna, darling, I'm going. Period. Diana, use your owl suit. I'm sure Zee can conjure up something covering for herself.”
"Owl suit?" Zatanna asked, a bit mystified.
"Alfred made her one, sweetheart. Would you like one, too?"
She rolled her eyes. "I'll pass."
"Let's go," Diana said. "Bruce, you need to keep quiet - for the sake of the Batman's reputation, if nothing else."
Bruce couldn’t help himself. "You don't tell me what to do! You're just some Amazonian also-ran. Zee-Zee -"
Zatanna sighed explosively and looked straight at him. "Bruce, do you love me?"
He felt a wave of adoration as he gazed into her eyes. "Of course, you sexy thing."
"Then shut the hell up!"
Unable to speak, he nodded vigorously, pleased that his smart girl had finally figured out how to spare them all. He wrote:
THANK YOU.
"You're welcome," Zatanna muttered under her breath.
* * *
"Nice get-up," Zatanna said, eyeing Diana's owl costume. "That's certainly… protective."
Zatanna was wearing her ordinary costume, yet it seemed to shimmer slightly, as if covered in diamond dust. The shimmering extended all the way to her face and hands and seemed to pulsate regularly, in time with her heartbeat.
Diana was clearly impressed. "A magical shield?"
"Not really. I conjured this, sure, but it's a solid, physical barrier, not a magical one. The handkerchief with the super-absorbent fibers gave me the idea. I conjured a translucent fluid-repellent material."
"Really? Then why does it sparkle like that?"
"It looks nice." Zatanna appeared mildly embarrassed, and looked away.
Bruce coughed impatiently and pointed at an imaginary watch on his wrist.
Zatanna raised her hands and intoned, "Tropsnart su ot saniles emoh."
The air swirled about them, and their field of view narrowed all around until it was but a slit of light; then, as if a giant spring had been released, the slit slammed open, and they appeared in Selina's living room. Not that different from a boom tube, he reflected idly, as he heard the dying echoes of the pop caused by the suddenly displaced air.
Selina didn't seem overly surprised to see them as she swept her hair back with her fingers. "How wonderful of you to stop by, Bruce! I've been trying so hard to drop off a written invitation in person, but you've become such a private person lately - and your protégés can be so overprotective." Selina looked them over, barely repressing a smirk when she eyed Diana's costume. "But I didn't mean for you to bring them along. This kitty doesn't like crowds, you know."
Zatanna stepped forward. "This isn't a social call. Where are the Tears?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Her smile did not reach her eyes, which were flinty and cold. "It was so nice of you to drop by, though. And is that Batgirl in the owl suit, or Huntress?"
Bruce noticed that though Selina's eyes appeared fixed on Zatanna and Diana, her attention was on him.
"Bruce? Why don't you tell Selina what's on your mind," Zatanna said.
With the spell released, the floodgates opened. "Selina, I can’t thank you enough for bringing Zee-Zee and me together. All these years, I never realized how much she meant to me." Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he could see Diana’s jaw tighten behind her owl mask.
"Now, Bruce, could you do me a favor?" Zatanna asked.
"Yes, lover? I'll do anything you want, you know."
"I want you to be quiet again."
Thanks, 'Zee-Zee', he thought.
Selina's face showed a bizarre combination of fury and panic. "What the - you witch! What the hell did you do to his mind?! "
Unable to follow the plan any longer, Diana exploded. "Porne! This is what you did to him, you -!" for a moment it looked like she was about to fly at Selina and tear her limb from limb - her eyes widening, Zatanna opened her mouth, as if to cast a spell - but it was Diana who stopped herself, taking a deep breath and floating back to the floor. Bruce could hear the fibers of the Kevlar-Nomex snapping as she clenched her fist, and he idly noted for future reference that it was indeed possible to disrupt the weave through sheer compression.
Selina went pale as she realized who was actually inside the owl costume. Now knowing that she faced the enraged princess of the Amazons, fully capable of giving Superman a black eye, she took a step back.
Now that's something you don't see every day, Bruce thought.
"Maybe -" Selina swallowed, her tone of voice betraying an almost completely dry mouth - "maybe we could all sit down and - discuss this like rational -" her eyes darted back to Diana's frame, trembling with fury, and Zatanna's unnerving calm "- hyper-powerful women and, uh, me?"
"Why, Ms. Kyle, we thought you would never ask." Zatanna smiled sweetly as she said it, and for some reason her tone of voice made
Bruce's blood run cold.
Selina sat down gingerly, never letting Diana out of her sight.
"So, Br- that is, you're um, you're all dressed…" despite the cowl, Diana's glare could be felt physically throughout the room, "…interestingly?" Selina finished lamely, biting her lip.
Bruce actually felt sorry for her.
"Yes, Ms. Kyle," Zatanna continued, "we all are dressed in a somewhat, oh, confining manner." Her gaze, her tone, were bizarrely kind, as if addressing a little girl. "It's been an interesting couple of weeks. You see, Bruce here got splashed with something a bit, well, overpowering. I’m sure he can explain better than I." She waved at him.
That’s my cue. Bruce flipped open a compartment of his utility belt and extracted a small, fold-out keyboard and digital display. He quickly typed the commands that would activate the message he'd previously recorded, and his synthesized voice spoke:
"Hello, Selina. That was some potent champagne you splashed me with."
She looked down at the synthesizer, then up to his face, bewildered. “But why - I don’t understand.”
Zatanna sighed, closing her eyes. "Go ahead. Explain, Bruce."
"Anything you say, snugglebunny," Bruce winced as he heard himself say. He keyed in another command, and the synthesizer said,
"Zatanna tried to free me from the Tears of Aphrodite with a spell. It worked partially. I can reason and write - but I can't imagine what it would be like without her spell. Otherwise…" he paused the synthesizer and spoke, his voice so submissive it gave him chills as he said it, "I would do anything my sweet Zatanna told me to."
He reactivated the synthesizer. "I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Unlike you, Zatanna refused to take advantage. But I guess you would have. Darling."
Selina rose shakily, her mouth wide open as if to protest.
"Sit down!" Diana shouted.
Selina sat.
Bruce typed again, cueing the last of his recorded messages, and the synthesizer spoke: "The effect is temporary. I will be fine eventually. But you’ve got to give us the Tears, Selina. I can't risk Joker or Penguin getting them."
"I would never-!"
"Prove it." Diana said.
All three looked at Diana in surprise.
"Selina," Diana said, her voice suddenly calm, "I can tell that you love him. But ask yourself - is this love? Do you really want a puppet for a lover? I think you should make amends. And that starts with telling us where you've hidden the rest of the Tears."
Selina looked down, then back up, her eyes moist.
"Selina." Zatanna's voice was sweet again. "Dear. I think you know by now that Diana has taken this rather personally. Bruce looked at me by accident, when I thought I had cured him through my counterspell. You see the result. I know this isn't what you want. Now, I'm sure you're familiar with Diana's Lasso of Truth."
At those words, Selina sucked air involuntarily and gripped the armchair.
Zatanna then motioned at Diana, whose body had tensed again. "We would really rather not use it on you, but mark my words: there is no way on earth that we will leave here tonight without the Tears. All of the Tears. One way or another."
Zatanna waved her hand and said, "Sierzah duolc fo hturt." The air around them suddenly became heavier, as if Something, massive and expectant, were just outside the door, breathing softly. When next she spoke, Zatanna's voice reminded Bruce, rather alarmingly, of Circe at her least playful.
"Selina Kyle, that we might spare you the Lasso, I have summoned Hazrei's Cloud of Truth. It will turn the air blue if you lie. Lie enough, and Diana and I will become very impatient." Her face was impassive.
The Thing Outside exhaled slowly, waiting.
Selina nodded, her eyes so wide they seemed round.
"Good." Zatanna's voice was businesslike. "I'm sure you noticed that we have the alabaster flask. Do you have the remaining Tears?"
"N-" the air turned slightly blue and the Thing Outside breathed in -"yes," she amended hastily.
"Good. Now, where did you put them?"
"In a squeeze bottle in the medicine cabinet. It's got a - a number nine on it." She tried to smile, but it looked more like a grimace. A bead of sweat trickled down her temple.
“Does this bottle contain all the remaining Tears?” Zatanna asked.
“Yes.”
And the air remained clear. Zatanna looked at Diana coolly. "I'll go get it. Guess we don't have to use the lasso."
"Too bad," Diana said, eyeing Selina darkly through narrowed eyes.
"Which bathroom?" Zatanna asked.
Selina wiped her brow. "The master bath. Down the hall, to your right."
Selina seemed to relax slightly in Zatanna's absence, but still kept sneaking glances at the door, and over at Diana, whose implacable gaze was fixed on her. "Bruce, you've got to believe me. I didn't mean for this to happen to you."
He typed quickly, and the synthesizer spoke. "Didn't you?"
"Circe just told me it would - it would make you fall in love with me. I didn't know it would -"
The air around Selina remained clear.
Bruce typed, and the synthesizer spoke. "You were willing to use magic to make me love you. I'm supposed to feel better just because you didn't know how powerful the Tears were? Selina, this is what you wanted. You just didn't know how well it would work."
Diana said, "Circe has no scruples. She could tell you wanted him, and used your desperation as a means to get what she wanted. She would have no qualms about enslaving a man with magic, and she may have assumed you wouldn't either. I guess she was right."
Selina's lower lip was quivering.
Zatanna returned, holding a small black bag; its sides seeming to shimmer much like Zatanna's technomagical shield. She turned her wrist, her fingers caressing the air as she spoke.
"Laever ruoy rewop."
The air around them smelled sweet suddenly - sweet and musky. A soft pink glow filled the room for a moment, then faded. The Thing Outside inhaled quickly, as if alarmed.
Zatanna's intense gaze went past them, to the door outside. When next she spoke, her voice sounded stern. "Sierzah duolc! Nruter ot eht diov." There was a rush of sound, like a waterfall; then a deep, oppressive silence that lingered for a few moments.
Selina’s face was buried in her hands.
Bruce's synthesized voice spoke, "We're done here."
Wordlessly, Diana and Zatanna got up and stood on either side. Zatanna raised her hands once more and began the incantation. "Tropsnart su kcab ot erehw ew erew." As the air swirled around them and the world again compressed into a slit of light, he thought he heard Selina's soft, whispered sobs, brittle as frozen wax.
Part Nine: Visiting Hours
Alfred cleared his throat. "Mr. Kent is here to see you."
Bruce looked up from The Economist to see Clark entering the kitchen, his left hand covering his glasses, feeling his way blindly.
"Is it safe?"
He sighed. "Yes, Clark, it's safe. You don't have to worry about me falling in love with you. You couldn’t possibly compare to Zatanna."
Clark raised an eyebrow. "After all we've been to each other, Bruce? I'm hurt."
"Get over it. Zee's the only one for me." And he scribbled on the whiteboard that had never left his side since the previous day:
It never stops! Don't get me wrong, Zatanna's cute and all,
but this is completely nuts.
Clark laughed. "So I shouldn't put some of the Tears in Lois's coffee tomorrow?”
You’d drop her in the ocean after a day or two of this crap.
"By the way, Clark, have you seen Zatanna?"
"Um, no."
"I really miss her."
Clark slowly shook his head. “You’ve got it bad. I never thought I’d see you lose your head like this.”
I can’t control my speech or my feelings, but at least I can still think. Just pretend I've got Tourette's
"Okaaay then… But seriously, don't you think it's time to come up with a new cover story for the press? That Asiatic flu excuse is getting old."
"Tell them I'm with my sweetie Zatanna." He wrote, You come up with something. You're the writer.
"What about the League? People are starting to notice."
Just tell the League I'm being anti-social, he wrote. They'll believe it.
"No kidding."
"You know, Zatanna -"
"She really loves you, you know," Clark said quietly. "And I don't mean Zee."
Bruce paused, and then wrote, slowly,
Yeah, she really does. Can't figure out why.
"Must be your boyish charm."
It worked on Lois, he wrote.
Clark snorted. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"
He wrote:
Just paying you back for that little re-enactment
you and Wally-boy did the other night.
"I have no idea what you're talking about. Wally and I have something very special together."
Yeah, he wrote. Two functioning brain cells. Not sure how he gets along without any.
Clark laughed. "Same old Bruce. How are you holding up?"
"Aside from missing Zee terribly and being stuck at home for days on end, I'm doing swimmingly."
"Darn, I wish I could publish this." Clark opened his briefcase and pulled out two bottles of Czech beer. "These are good. Have one."
"Nice." Bruce reached over to get a bottle opener. "Alfred would be appalled I'm not pouring it into a glass. Zatanna wouldn't care, because she loves me."
"Yeah, well, I'll make you a member of the petite bourgeoisie any day now."
"No way am I going middle class. And if that were the case with you, that should be a Schlitz, not imported Czech beer, you poser. Zatanna? Not a poser."
Clark raised his bottle. "To women."
"To Zee-Zee." They clinked bottles, and he hastily scribbled, To Diana. And Zatanna is nice, too.
"Lois has been wondering how you've been doing. She was all ready to start researching a story about that mysterious Asiatic flu you supposedly contracted."
How'd you stop her? he wrote.
"I didn't. Perry did. He suggested she write an exposé on corruption in city government instead, especially on their procedures for awarding rebuilding contracts."
Bruce wrote, Saved by the boss. Guess you haven't told her your big secret, then.
"I was going to, but then…events interfered."
What's your excuse now? he wrote.
"I'm not sure whether Lois would be mortified that she hadn't figured it out, or insulted that I thought she hadn't." Clark's voice rose slightly. "And why are you so interested?"
Touched a nerve, did I? Bruce thought.
He wrote:
I said I'd look out for her. She needs to know. If she doesn't hear it from you, she'll be hurt. I won't stand for it.
"I don't suppose you've ever hidden something important. Of course not. The Batman's always right."
Bruce sipped his beer. I wish.
He picked up the dry-erase marker again, and wrote: Damn straight. And don't you forgit it.
Then he crossed out the word he'd deliberately misspelled, and rewrote it.
"A joke. That's new. You know, Bruce, you've changed since you joined the League -"
Bruce held up his hand to protest, not trusting himself to speak.
"- yes, I know you've always said you're just a part-timer. Then why are you around so much?"
Somebody has to keep you honest, he wrote.
"I presume that's a plural 'you'?"
Bruce nodded.
"All of us? Even Diana?" Clark looked at him closely. "How exactly are you keeping her honest?"
He wrote:
She keeps me honest.
* * *
Bruce grunted in annoyance. One of the wires in his speech synthesizer had slipped out of position again, and he couldn't quite fit it into place.
His hands could be put to better use, caressing Zatanna's lithe body, he found himself daydreaming. Even after twenty years, she didn't seem to have changed much physically, although he hadn't been in a position to examine her as closely as he had that one time -
Not going there, for so many reasons. Wonder what she really thinks of me. Probably good she's staying away until tonight.
And the daydreaming started again. Maybe tomorrow night he could invite Zatanna over. Alfred could make them a special dinner, and they could get reacquainted…
He heard the transporter hum and his heart skipped a beat, hoping it was Zee arriving early. Instead, Shayera stepped off the platform. He was surprised to realize that he wasn't disappointed.
"Clark said I should stop by. Something about how my mace would help you with a problem you're having." She handed it to him.
Right. The nth metal disrupts magic. Good one, Clark.
"I figured I owed you a favor for telling me about Rex."
Bruce finally felt free of the sweet haze that had been clouding his brain. As a test, he pictured Zatanna; a pretty woman, his friend, his colleague, his teenage crush, the first woman he'd deceived…but not his love. He released the breath he'd been holding.
"Bruce?" Shayera asked. "Hello? You with us?" She glanced around the Cave. "I don't see anything here that would be improved with a whack of my mace, unless you want me to demolish that structure you have in the middle. That wasn't there the last time I was here. Looks like it's in the way."
"Better leave it alone for now. I might need it again."
"Should I ask what you needed it for in the first place? You keeping someone prisoner down here?"
Only myself, he thought. "It's a magic thing."
"Oh. Okay… didn't think you did much with magic. But hey, suit yourself." She picked up one of the chairs scattered about, reversed it, and sat down. "You know, I haven't seen much of you lately since the whole Diana… thing. You've even been out of the tabloids."
"Don't tell me you read those things."
She shrugged. "Helps if I'm aware of the latest rumor about me when a reporter jams a microphone in my face."
"People are getting over it, Shayera. It'll take time, but they will trust you again. It happened with Superman."
She looked skeptical. "Says you. How do you know what people think?"
"I'm still monitoring anti-Hawkgirl websites and chatrooms. Trust me; there's improvement."
"I guess if someone as pessimistic as you sees improvement, it must exist." She shifted her wings. "I'd better go; I'm on the evening shift. Want me to leave my mace? I stopped carrying it in my patrol car; it interfered with the spell that hides my wings. One of the winos we busted was jabbering on about my being an angel and how he'd seen some light and was going to lay off the sauce." And she smiled, as if remembering something.
"I could use it, yes. Let me know when you need it back."
"Okay." She stood on the transporter pad, and put her hand to her ear to call the Tower.
"Shayera -"
"What?"
"Thanks."
She grinned. "Not a problem, Bruce. Let's get together sometime. I haven't kicked your ass in the training room for a while."
"Oh, is that what you remember? Guess my Batarang hit you harder last time than I thought."
* * *
The intercom crackled to life. "Princess Diana of Themyscira is here."
"Send her down," Bruce said, and he returned to programming the speech synthesizer.
At the sound of heels on the stairs, Bruce looked up from his workbench.
Diana stepped onto the Cave floor, her face resigned. "How are you doing?"
"Better, now that you're here." He smiled. "I've missed you."
"Bruce? Did Zatanna -"
He pointed to the mace sitting on the workbench. “God bless Thanagarian technology. It’s dampening the magic. We can't have it here when Zatanna arrives, but it's giving me a brief respite."
Bruce knew he'd never forget the look of sheer joy on Diana's face. "Oh, thank Hera!" she exclaimed, flying into his arms. Her momentum unbalanced the stool, and after a few wobbly moments, they fell unceremoniously on the cold, hard floor.
"You're slowing down, Princess. You should have had us in the air before we hit the ground."
"My brave warrior. You jump off rooftops, walk up walls, and yet you can't keep yourself from falling off a stool?"
He smirked. "Couldn't help it. You're too heavy."
"You," she said, poking his chest, "are being a pain. There are consequences for that."
"Really? I don't see enough of your sisters here to take me on."
"Oh, they're not needed." And she started to tickle him. "And I wouldn't let them near you, anyway."
"This isn't fair," he said, mightily resisting the urge to laugh. "I'm not wearing the Batsuit."
"That's the point. You're defenseless - just the way a man should be."
"I'll show you 'defenseless.'" And he gave as good as he got, tickling her mercilessly until their laughter echoed through the Cave.
He managed to roll on top of her, narrowly avoiding the fallen stool. "Now, who's defenseless?"
Her expression sobered. "I'd say we both are, against each other. Maybe that's a weakness." She sighed. "I've never met anyone like you."
"Not even Odysseus?" he said, raising an eyebrow.
She rolled her eyes. "I never met him, just read Homer's and other writers' accounts of him, heard rumors, the usual. You and he are both heroes, but he was just trying to survive whatever the gods decided to throw at him. You've dedicated your life to pursuing justice. I'd say you're the better man." She was looking calmly up at him, as if daring him to contradict her.
Bruce felt uncomfortable under her gaze, so he glanced away. Diana seized the opportunity and quickly gained the upper hand, pinning him down and laughing gaily. He tensed, half-expecting to feel the first symptoms of a panic attack.
“Are you - are you all right?” Diana started, her eyes wide.
“I - I think so. Just a false alarm, I guess.” He realized he was sweating.
“Great Hera’s crown - I am so sorry.” She looked stricken
He mopped his brow. “It’s okay. I think it was mostly fear that it might happen.”
“If you would rather I leave - “
“Absolutely not.” He smiled. “I think you were being very persuasive, in fact.”
“Was I now?”
“Well, you did have me pinned. Far be it for me to disagree with an Amazon who has me in a wrestling hold."
"I didn’t have you in a hold," she said, suddenly coy, her fingers tracing his chest. "You were just too lazy to toss me off you."
"Maybe I’m just too smart."
"If you're so smart, why are we still talk- mmph."
His lips stopped her teasing.
After a few heated minutes, Diana raised her head and smiled. "This is nice, but I can't wait until we can break Aphrodite's spell, and you'll be back to normal."
"If you want normal, you'd be better off with someone else."
"You know what I mean. I've missed your particular brand of abnormality. Not to mention, I’ve enjoyed helping you with your…problem."
As much as Bruce was enjoying the feel of Diana's body entwined with his, he couldn't help glancing at the clock. "Zatanna will be here soon. We need to return Shayera's mace before she arrives."
"Shayera must like you to let you borrow it without her being here," Diana said, a bit sulkily.
He noted her suddenly jealous tone with a certain satisfaction. "I asked first, unlike you. We men are more diplomatic. You Amazons could learn a lot from - umph."
She continued showing him how much Amazons had to teach him until Alfred's voice informed them of "Ms. Zatara's" imminent arrival.
* * *
With less than a minute to spare, Diana had hastily asked the Watchtower to teleport the mace into Shayera's quarters. It had been unnerving how quickly the fog had returned once Shayera's mace had been taken away.
Zatanna entered, looking very business-like. "I like your idea of a sacrifice, Diana, but I think there's something we need to do first."
Bruce noticed how cute Zee-Zee - Zatanna, you dolt! - was when she put on her "planning face".
"What could we possibly have to do first?" Diana asked, folding her arms and scowling.
Zatanna sighed. "We need to get all the Tears from Selina, or this whole thing you're planning will be for naught. I know you're chummy with the Olympian Powers, but I don’t think it wise to assume we could repeat the whole thing if Selina tried again."
"But he's already -"
"We don't know," Zatanna interrupted impatiently, "whether the effects are exclusionary or not. We've been calling it a potion out of convenience, but that's not technically what it is at all. Nobody 'cooked this up', so it's not bound by any of the rules of alchemy. For all we know, 'snoogums' here -"
Bruce beamed. Diana fumed.
"- could be induced to fall in love with every member of his rogues' gallery, if he kept getting splashed."
"No way! Zatanna's the only one for me." Still beaming, he scribbled on the whiteboard:
Are you serious?
"'Fraid so," Zatanna said, looking glum.
He wanted to embrace her and cheer her up. His marker worked furiously.
Did I mention that I want this fixed NOW YESTERDAY!
"Repeatedly," Diana said, sighing.
Bruce sat down again and resisted the urge to kick something, his thoughts in turmoil. I am not going to be Joker's boy toy! There has to be
a way to…
Wait a minute.
"Zee babe," he heard himself say, wincing, "was your plan to go get Selina? You’re so smart."
Zatanna blinked, clearly surprised to hear something other than nauseating claptrap come out of his mouth.
Bruce cleared his throat. "Come on, Zatanna, tell us more about this brilliant plan that came from that sexy brain of yours."
Diana looked exasperated.
Sorry.
Zatanna closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. "Having a man eating out of your metaphorical hand is not all it’s cracked up to be."
He wrote:
So what were you going to do?
Ask Selina politely to give you the rest of the Tears?
"Yes, minus the 'politely' bit," Zatanna said grimly. "And I thought Diana could use the lasso on her to get her to tell us where she's hidden them."
“Well, I’m going with you, hot stuff.”
"You're in no condition -" Diana began.
He held up a hand to interrupt her. "Zatanna, don't you think that Selina would love to see how happy we are together?" And he wrote:
There is no way she wants me to be like this. She values freedom too much to wish slavery on anyone.
Zatanna appeared thoughtful. "He's got a point, you know."
Diana just stared at her. "You can't be taking this seriously. Selina, value freedom? She chose to do this to him!"
“People do stupid things for love, Diana - or whatever they think of as love, anyway.” Zatanna tapped her foot impatiently. “Put your feelings
aside and think about it." she continued, as Diana drew breath again to protest. "You can always use the lasso, but it would be best if we could get her to help us willingly. I think she'll be more likely to cooperate if she sees what the Tears did to him."
"I am going to use the lasso whether she cooperates or not! How can we trust her otherwise?"
Brue cleared his throat, and they both looked at him. “Zatanna, darling, I'm going. Period. Diana, use your owl suit. I'm sure Zee can conjure up something covering for herself.”
"Owl suit?" Zatanna asked, a bit mystified.
"Alfred made her one, sweetheart. Would you like one, too?"
She rolled her eyes. "I'll pass."
"Let's go," Diana said. "Bruce, you need to keep quiet - for the sake of the Batman's reputation, if nothing else."
Bruce couldn’t help himself. "You don't tell me what to do! You're just some Amazonian also-ran. Zee-Zee -"
Zatanna sighed explosively and looked straight at him. "Bruce, do you love me?"
He felt a wave of adoration as he gazed into her eyes. "Of course, you sexy thing."
"Then shut the hell up!"
Unable to speak, he nodded vigorously, pleased that his smart girl had finally figured out how to spare them all. He wrote:
THANK YOU.
"You're welcome," Zatanna muttered under her breath.
* * *
"Nice get-up," Zatanna said, eyeing Diana's owl costume. "That's certainly… protective."
Zatanna was wearing her ordinary costume, yet it seemed to shimmer slightly, as if covered in diamond dust. The shimmering extended all the way to her face and hands and seemed to pulsate regularly, in time with her heartbeat.
Diana was clearly impressed. "A magical shield?"
"Not really. I conjured this, sure, but it's a solid, physical barrier, not a magical one. The handkerchief with the super-absorbent fibers gave me the idea. I conjured a translucent fluid-repellent material."
"Really? Then why does it sparkle like that?"
"It looks nice." Zatanna appeared mildly embarrassed, and looked away.
Bruce coughed impatiently and pointed at an imaginary watch on his wrist.
Zatanna raised her hands and intoned, "Tropsnart su ot saniles emoh."
The air swirled about them, and their field of view narrowed all around until it was but a slit of light; then, as if a giant spring had been released, the slit slammed open, and they appeared in Selina's living room. Not that different from a boom tube, he reflected idly, as he heard the dying echoes of the pop caused by the suddenly displaced air.
Selina didn't seem overly surprised to see them as she swept her hair back with her fingers. "How wonderful of you to stop by, Bruce! I've been trying so hard to drop off a written invitation in person, but you've become such a private person lately - and your protégés can be so overprotective." Selina looked them over, barely repressing a smirk when she eyed Diana's costume. "But I didn't mean for you to bring them along. This kitty doesn't like crowds, you know."
Zatanna stepped forward. "This isn't a social call. Where are the Tears?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Her smile did not reach her eyes, which were flinty and cold. "It was so nice of you to drop by, though. And is that Batgirl in the owl suit, or Huntress?"
Bruce noticed that though Selina's eyes appeared fixed on Zatanna and Diana, her attention was on him.
"Bruce? Why don't you tell Selina what's on your mind," Zatanna said.
With the spell released, the floodgates opened. "Selina, I can’t thank you enough for bringing Zee-Zee and me together. All these years, I never realized how much she meant to me." Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he could see Diana’s jaw tighten behind her owl mask.
"Now, Bruce, could you do me a favor?" Zatanna asked.
"Yes, lover? I'll do anything you want, you know."
"I want you to be quiet again."
Thanks, 'Zee-Zee', he thought.
Selina's face showed a bizarre combination of fury and panic. "What the - you witch! What the hell did you do to his mind?! "
Unable to follow the plan any longer, Diana exploded. "Porne! This is what you did to him, you -!" for a moment it looked like she was about to fly at Selina and tear her limb from limb - her eyes widening, Zatanna opened her mouth, as if to cast a spell - but it was Diana who stopped herself, taking a deep breath and floating back to the floor. Bruce could hear the fibers of the Kevlar-Nomex snapping as she clenched her fist, and he idly noted for future reference that it was indeed possible to disrupt the weave through sheer compression.
Selina went pale as she realized who was actually inside the owl costume. Now knowing that she faced the enraged princess of the Amazons, fully capable of giving Superman a black eye, she took a step back.
Now that's something you don't see every day, Bruce thought.
"Maybe -" Selina swallowed, her tone of voice betraying an almost completely dry mouth - "maybe we could all sit down and - discuss this like rational -" her eyes darted back to Diana's frame, trembling with fury, and Zatanna's unnerving calm "- hyper-powerful women and, uh, me?"
"Why, Ms. Kyle, we thought you would never ask." Zatanna smiled sweetly as she said it, and for some reason her tone of voice made
Bruce's blood run cold.
Selina sat down gingerly, never letting Diana out of her sight.
"So, Br- that is, you're um, you're all dressed…" despite the cowl, Diana's glare could be felt physically throughout the room, "…interestingly?" Selina finished lamely, biting her lip.
Bruce actually felt sorry for her.
"Yes, Ms. Kyle," Zatanna continued, "we all are dressed in a somewhat, oh, confining manner." Her gaze, her tone, were bizarrely kind, as if addressing a little girl. "It's been an interesting couple of weeks. You see, Bruce here got splashed with something a bit, well, overpowering. I’m sure he can explain better than I." She waved at him.
That’s my cue. Bruce flipped open a compartment of his utility belt and extracted a small, fold-out keyboard and digital display. He quickly typed the commands that would activate the message he'd previously recorded, and his synthesized voice spoke:
"Hello, Selina. That was some potent champagne you splashed me with."
She looked down at the synthesizer, then up to his face, bewildered. “But why - I don’t understand.”
Zatanna sighed, closing her eyes. "Go ahead. Explain, Bruce."
"Anything you say, snugglebunny," Bruce winced as he heard himself say. He keyed in another command, and the synthesizer said,
"Zatanna tried to free me from the Tears of Aphrodite with a spell. It worked partially. I can reason and write - but I can't imagine what it would be like without her spell. Otherwise…" he paused the synthesizer and spoke, his voice so submissive it gave him chills as he said it, "I would do anything my sweet Zatanna told me to."
He reactivated the synthesizer. "I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Unlike you, Zatanna refused to take advantage. But I guess you would have. Darling."
Selina rose shakily, her mouth wide open as if to protest.
"Sit down!" Diana shouted.
Selina sat.
Bruce typed again, cueing the last of his recorded messages, and the synthesizer spoke: "The effect is temporary. I will be fine eventually. But you’ve got to give us the Tears, Selina. I can't risk Joker or Penguin getting them."
"I would never-!"
"Prove it." Diana said.
All three looked at Diana in surprise.
"Selina," Diana said, her voice suddenly calm, "I can tell that you love him. But ask yourself - is this love? Do you really want a puppet for a lover? I think you should make amends. And that starts with telling us where you've hidden the rest of the Tears."
Selina looked down, then back up, her eyes moist.
"Selina." Zatanna's voice was sweet again. "Dear. I think you know by now that Diana has taken this rather personally. Bruce looked at me by accident, when I thought I had cured him through my counterspell. You see the result. I know this isn't what you want. Now, I'm sure you're familiar with Diana's Lasso of Truth."
At those words, Selina sucked air involuntarily and gripped the armchair.
Zatanna then motioned at Diana, whose body had tensed again. "We would really rather not use it on you, but mark my words: there is no way on earth that we will leave here tonight without the Tears. All of the Tears. One way or another."
Zatanna waved her hand and said, "Sierzah duolc fo hturt." The air around them suddenly became heavier, as if Something, massive and expectant, were just outside the door, breathing softly. When next she spoke, Zatanna's voice reminded Bruce, rather alarmingly, of Circe at her least playful.
"Selina Kyle, that we might spare you the Lasso, I have summoned Hazrei's Cloud of Truth. It will turn the air blue if you lie. Lie enough, and Diana and I will become very impatient." Her face was impassive.
The Thing Outside exhaled slowly, waiting.
Selina nodded, her eyes so wide they seemed round.
"Good." Zatanna's voice was businesslike. "I'm sure you noticed that we have the alabaster flask. Do you have the remaining Tears?"
"N-" the air turned slightly blue and the Thing Outside breathed in -"yes," she amended hastily.
"Good. Now, where did you put them?"
"In a squeeze bottle in the medicine cabinet. It's got a - a number nine on it." She tried to smile, but it looked more like a grimace. A bead of sweat trickled down her temple.
“Does this bottle contain all the remaining Tears?” Zatanna asked.
“Yes.”
And the air remained clear. Zatanna looked at Diana coolly. "I'll go get it. Guess we don't have to use the lasso."
"Too bad," Diana said, eyeing Selina darkly through narrowed eyes.
"Which bathroom?" Zatanna asked.
Selina wiped her brow. "The master bath. Down the hall, to your right."
Selina seemed to relax slightly in Zatanna's absence, but still kept sneaking glances at the door, and over at Diana, whose implacable gaze was fixed on her. "Bruce, you've got to believe me. I didn't mean for this to happen to you."
He typed quickly, and the synthesizer spoke. "Didn't you?"
"Circe just told me it would - it would make you fall in love with me. I didn't know it would -"
The air around Selina remained clear.
Bruce typed, and the synthesizer spoke. "You were willing to use magic to make me love you. I'm supposed to feel better just because you didn't know how powerful the Tears were? Selina, this is what you wanted. You just didn't know how well it would work."
Diana said, "Circe has no scruples. She could tell you wanted him, and used your desperation as a means to get what she wanted. She would have no qualms about enslaving a man with magic, and she may have assumed you wouldn't either. I guess she was right."
Selina's lower lip was quivering.
Zatanna returned, holding a small black bag; its sides seeming to shimmer much like Zatanna's technomagical shield. She turned her wrist, her fingers caressing the air as she spoke.
"Laever ruoy rewop."
The air around them smelled sweet suddenly - sweet and musky. A soft pink glow filled the room for a moment, then faded. The Thing Outside inhaled quickly, as if alarmed.
Zatanna's intense gaze went past them, to the door outside. When next she spoke, her voice sounded stern. "Sierzah duolc! Nruter ot eht diov." There was a rush of sound, like a waterfall; then a deep, oppressive silence that lingered for a few moments.
Selina’s face was buried in her hands.
Bruce's synthesized voice spoke, "We're done here."
Wordlessly, Diana and Zatanna got up and stood on either side. Zatanna raised her hands once more and began the incantation. "Tropsnart su kcab ot erehw ew erew." As the air swirled around them and the world again compressed into a slit of light, he thought he heard Selina's soft, whispered sobs, brittle as frozen wax.