Wakeup nicole...
as the reality of things start to expose themselves, I am learning how hard it is to handle a budding relationship. Something I haven't had to do in many a year. My fear of fucking up has made things more difficult as I battle monsters that do not lie under my immediate control. Because it feels now that I am in fact battling HIS monsters as well as my own. Is it worth it? I don't know. It is by far too early to make such a decision. For the past two weeks, it was utter bliss, and now reality is barging back into existence. I am afraid of his heart, yes. Im afraid he will easily succomb to the hardships that are baraging him, because as I learn more about him, i know that he reacts in a more self-desecrating manner. Tonight, there were vain attempts to keep the conversation lighhearted, but it ultimately ended up with him upset and ending our conversation. He tried, but he cannot maintain the playful attitude that a new relationship requires. That i am asking for. Which makes me very upset taht I am causing him added strife when i was hoping that i was bringing some joy. He is a blind man, and I cannot make him see. My heart just sank into my stomach. This is not a happy feeling.......please let it get resolved and back to the happy???? if only i knew what to do to ensure that.........:( perhaps....pehaps it will just take work to get past this part...past his barriers and prove myself worthy. Do I even WANT to? I dont know.....Hes not perfect, natuarally. I forgot for a second that he HAS to have bad as well as good. Just how bad is his bad though???? We'll see, i guess.