Employed, but still an emotional case
For the past two weeks, I've been working full time in a local Title company. Big jump from my last entry, huh? I stumbled upon this through another failed attempt at a more ambitious job, but am happy with the outcome. i actually belive this is a better job for me than anything else I could have tried for. It's challenging enough (learning everything about titles and loans and mortgages and what not - I mean EVERYTHING) yet the atmosphere is really friendly and they are willing to help me learn. Of course, I am still nervous that come a couple months, they approach me with the ol "this isn't working" line and im stuck feeling like an ass. I suppose I'm just jumping ahead of myself.
Of course, now I am adjusting to a rather different time schedule and such. 8:30 - 5 everyday. I wake up at 6 now. Very different from my pre-employed schedule of sleep at 4AM-wake up at 1PM. I like it. I feel like a normal, productive member of society. I feel encouraged that I can take care of myself. Hell...I am on my way to a career.
I'm not entirely happy though. And I don't think I will be until I am really out on my own (Of course there's always the possibility that I will NEVER be happy with my situation due to my natural emotional chaotic self ruining any chance, but whatever.) Taking care of myself. And only myself to worry about. One thing I really miss about college...being on my own, away from the hassles of living with family. And my god, i need a social life. As I've said before, I am drowning in domesticity. Its chokingly persistant here. But I'm afraid that my freedom won't come in time. I don't want to have another breakdown.
...
She bitches and complains so much. All I hear are constant complaints, bangs, and or nasty gagging noises. Or loud obnoxious snoring. My world has become that. SHe's used to no one being here with her. Its hard to try and live with someone who doesn't seem to want you around, or care that you are there and things bother you. To be fair, the stress isn't making my bright personality shine through. i often respond to her constant flow of barely guised demands with short, snippy retorts full of bitchy sass. It comes out like a reflex, but still I don't enjoy that I am that way. However, to my defense, I am aware that this situation, of weird dependancy is definately similar to that of raising a family and responding to the constant demands of children; to which I respond "And that is entirely why I DON'T have children now, because I know I don't have the patience." I am fully aware that I would be a thriving canidate for World's Worse Single Mom. Yeah, single. That's a whole other rantry (rant-entry.)
This was supposed to be a mild mannered, simple little update, but my demons came through and I spewed my frustrations instead. Proof that while I am well on my way of obtaining things I have deemed necessary for my happiness, things are going excruciatingly slow enough to make me depressed when i should be exctatic. figures.
Well, I might as well cap this off with the love-life bitching that I alluded to earlier. I actually have something of legitimate frustrations, though. They deal mostly with self-percieved limitations, instead of "that damn bastard!" usual bitching.
My concernes lie within my desperation. I have a knawing feeling of hurt that coencides with a recent...oh, feeling of rejection, regardless of the actual situation. Hence my statement of "self perception" earlier. In a nutshell, I feel neglected, but also guilty for having those feelings since by definition, how can a labled "single" person be neglected? Easy... while I may not be claimed/claiming someone else's affections, I am definately not free from the desire. Laymen's terms - unrequited affections. I'm tormented (or just frustrated) by inconsistant and meager affections/attention from a certain someone and am seriously questioning my own position in the situation. i.e. - what the hell am I doing?
There. that's about all i will suffer you through today. I need to get a lot off my chest, but i also dont want to make obscenely long entries full of emo nauseum. I kinda feel like there really isn't anyone who want's to listen to me and my issues, so I write them here. Passively aggressively hoping that through some comunication ploy, those i really want to reach out to will stumble upon this and respond to my cry for affection. Frustrating, isn't it?
Of course, now I am adjusting to a rather different time schedule and such. 8:30 - 5 everyday. I wake up at 6 now. Very different from my pre-employed schedule of sleep at 4AM-wake up at 1PM. I like it. I feel like a normal, productive member of society. I feel encouraged that I can take care of myself. Hell...I am on my way to a career.
I'm not entirely happy though. And I don't think I will be until I am really out on my own (Of course there's always the possibility that I will NEVER be happy with my situation due to my natural emotional chaotic self ruining any chance, but whatever.) Taking care of myself. And only myself to worry about. One thing I really miss about college...being on my own, away from the hassles of living with family. And my god, i need a social life. As I've said before, I am drowning in domesticity. Its chokingly persistant here. But I'm afraid that my freedom won't come in time. I don't want to have another breakdown.
...
She bitches and complains so much. All I hear are constant complaints, bangs, and or nasty gagging noises. Or loud obnoxious snoring. My world has become that. SHe's used to no one being here with her. Its hard to try and live with someone who doesn't seem to want you around, or care that you are there and things bother you. To be fair, the stress isn't making my bright personality shine through. i often respond to her constant flow of barely guised demands with short, snippy retorts full of bitchy sass. It comes out like a reflex, but still I don't enjoy that I am that way. However, to my defense, I am aware that this situation, of weird dependancy is definately similar to that of raising a family and responding to the constant demands of children; to which I respond "And that is entirely why I DON'T have children now, because I know I don't have the patience." I am fully aware that I would be a thriving canidate for World's Worse Single Mom. Yeah, single. That's a whole other rantry (rant-entry.)
This was supposed to be a mild mannered, simple little update, but my demons came through and I spewed my frustrations instead. Proof that while I am well on my way of obtaining things I have deemed necessary for my happiness, things are going excruciatingly slow enough to make me depressed when i should be exctatic. figures.
Well, I might as well cap this off with the love-life bitching that I alluded to earlier. I actually have something of legitimate frustrations, though. They deal mostly with self-percieved limitations, instead of "that damn bastard!" usual bitching.
My concernes lie within my desperation. I have a knawing feeling of hurt that coencides with a recent...oh, feeling of rejection, regardless of the actual situation. Hence my statement of "self perception" earlier. In a nutshell, I feel neglected, but also guilty for having those feelings since by definition, how can a labled "single" person be neglected? Easy... while I may not be claimed/claiming someone else's affections, I am definately not free from the desire. Laymen's terms - unrequited affections. I'm tormented (or just frustrated) by inconsistant and meager affections/attention from a certain someone and am seriously questioning my own position in the situation. i.e. - what the hell am I doing?
There. that's about all i will suffer you through today. I need to get a lot off my chest, but i also dont want to make obscenely long entries full of emo nauseum. I kinda feel like there really isn't anyone who want's to listen to me and my issues, so I write them here. Passively aggressively hoping that through some comunication ploy, those i really want to reach out to will stumble upon this and respond to my cry for affection. Frustrating, isn't it?