blue bird
i dont know what else i need to do to continue this erasure process. because all i can fathom doing is listening to these two songs en loop.
you know what is really wonderful.
better, so much more gratifying than anything else i can think of
right now.
i wish there were another word for kiss. because i think that is so unjust to call it that.
to label it something that sounds so casual, so
unimportant, overused, overdone, bastardized and slaughtered to something sloppy and
so disgustingly appealing in the most ridiculous situations, complications.
something that should be done with such pristine care and delicacy.
thought and unscathed prettiness.
that should not follow or precede hand jobs or hard liquor.
because i cannot see what else would be needed than someone putting their hands against your face, and being so terrifyingly close that you exchange every invisible necessity needed to continue to stay alive.
is anything more brilliant? more wonderful than that?
i would tell him, if he stopped laughing, that i hate that he likes another girl, and i could never love another boy, because some other girl inevitably still feels the same way about that boy that i feel about him, and i would never want to make someone feel as horrible as this.
perhaps there is not another girl, but there might as well be.
and how horrible is it than i can completely contradict what i spoke of- because i would seemingly feel better if someone like david would just kiss me, that sounds so awful, such a bad word, but then i could entertain the thought that someone else can do that to me.
and then i think that i only want that to happen because i have convinced myself it will help the situation, and i will not have gone two years without being that close with anyone else.
and other boys can be just as wonderful.
but tony cut all of his sensitivity off with his hair, and we threw that away in the late winter. how can someone be so beautiful and terrible simultaneously?
and this is what i will do. think aloud in computerized text in this white universeand download my thoughts so i do not malfunction in real life.
and no one has to hear me talk about this.
i can speak incoherently about whatever i want.
i can reduce any and all of my ridiculous, redundant tragedies to mere words and no one will complain because they do not have to listen.
i can just be a little girl and talk and cry and be petty and that is simply that.
they were talking about how pretty rasun is.
and i went inside and stared in the mirror and thought about what milan wrote about thereza staring at herself in the mirror, vanity aside- only to see what she really looked like.
but she would fail every time.
maybe it was the snow melting that induced this landslide. perhaps i will settle in greenland someday. or alaska.
halloween, alaska sounds pleasant. i'll look at stars and snow and snowflakes piling on top of each other.
writing this is like crying into a pillow.
but your eyes dont get soggy, and your nose doesnt get runny, and you dont have to worry about anyone hearing you from the other side of the wall.
i would like a dog, i think. could i just have duncan again...
because loosing both of the most important boys in my life, one right after the other, was a terrible joke of divine doing.
you know what is really wonderful.
better, so much more gratifying than anything else i can think of
right now.
i wish there were another word for kiss. because i think that is so unjust to call it that.
to label it something that sounds so casual, so
unimportant, overused, overdone, bastardized and slaughtered to something sloppy and
so disgustingly appealing in the most ridiculous situations, complications.
something that should be done with such pristine care and delicacy.
thought and unscathed prettiness.
that should not follow or precede hand jobs or hard liquor.
because i cannot see what else would be needed than someone putting their hands against your face, and being so terrifyingly close that you exchange every invisible necessity needed to continue to stay alive.
is anything more brilliant? more wonderful than that?
i would tell him, if he stopped laughing, that i hate that he likes another girl, and i could never love another boy, because some other girl inevitably still feels the same way about that boy that i feel about him, and i would never want to make someone feel as horrible as this.
perhaps there is not another girl, but there might as well be.
and how horrible is it than i can completely contradict what i spoke of- because i would seemingly feel better if someone like david would just kiss me, that sounds so awful, such a bad word, but then i could entertain the thought that someone else can do that to me.
and then i think that i only want that to happen because i have convinced myself it will help the situation, and i will not have gone two years without being that close with anyone else.
and other boys can be just as wonderful.
but tony cut all of his sensitivity off with his hair, and we threw that away in the late winter. how can someone be so beautiful and terrible simultaneously?
and this is what i will do. think aloud in computerized text in this white universeand download my thoughts so i do not malfunction in real life.
and no one has to hear me talk about this.
i can speak incoherently about whatever i want.
i can reduce any and all of my ridiculous, redundant tragedies to mere words and no one will complain because they do not have to listen.
i can just be a little girl and talk and cry and be petty and that is simply that.
they were talking about how pretty rasun is.
and i went inside and stared in the mirror and thought about what milan wrote about thereza staring at herself in the mirror, vanity aside- only to see what she really looked like.
but she would fail every time.
maybe it was the snow melting that induced this landslide. perhaps i will settle in greenland someday. or alaska.
halloween, alaska sounds pleasant. i'll look at stars and snow and snowflakes piling on top of each other.
writing this is like crying into a pillow.
but your eyes dont get soggy, and your nose doesnt get runny, and you dont have to worry about anyone hearing you from the other side of the wall.
i would like a dog, i think. could i just have duncan again...
because loosing both of the most important boys in my life, one right after the other, was a terrible joke of divine doing.