(Expecting just a little bit) Too Much
I told him that when he hugged me in the moonlight, since then, I felt like I would like to be monogamous to him, if he would like that. But also that I didn't know if it's even a good idea cause I'm not supposed to be in a monogamous thing and I want to pursue more BDSM. And I wouldnt expect him to be that way too, it doesnt bother me he sexes other ppl. I asked him what he thought and he told me we would talk about it when alone. We didn't, we just went to sleep. But he did say I should be at home more, cause I'm a mom. And he's right about that.
I haven't heard from him since.
I left his place at noon on Friday. It's Monday night now. He used to text me everyday, multiple times a day to say hi and stuff.
On Saturday I was thinking about the monogamy thing at work and I realized it's a terrible idea. It would make him too important to me. It would make things between us too serious and I don't want to be like that. I didnt want things to change really. I realized what I was asking was essentially to be collared. That is asking a lot. It wasn't right. But I didn't text him saying that then cause I already felt like I was texting him too much, showing up too much lately. I felt like I should wait, show him I can be patient, have boundaries.
Since the weekend before, things have been weird. He kindof stood me up that Saturday night. And I had an invite from Jeff to go there and I told him no, I thought I had plans, was waiting on a call - Jimmy's call (he told me to). That call never came. He apologized in the morning but then didn't say anything when I asked him about getting together later still since I didn't have to work. After 5 hours I mouthed off to him in a text and went to a party on the island with Yassin. I felt bad about mouthing off, thought about him the whole time pretty much. I lost my cat ears and my voice. And I hadn't talked much, it was weird, and my throat wasn't sore. I thought maybe it was from smoke from the bonfire. Or the mouthing off text bothered Jimmy and he'd inadvertently hexed me.
After the party I went to the guy who built the fire's house for breakfast/ coffee. When we walked to get almond milk he played his favorite song a few times, by A Perfect Circle. I'd never heard it before, it sounded like Incubus. I didn't know the name of it and have been trying to find out for a few days. I found it today.
My voice isn't back 100% yet. I thought Jimmy would probably have texted me by now. I got the impression he liked me a lot, maybe loved me even. Seemed like. I thought if he doesnt text me tonight, since he knows tonight at 11 is my weekend, and it's been 3 days, I would text him tomorrow to say hi. Maybe to ask if I had turned him off so completely/ scared him off so effectively. I don't know if the 3 day rule works out differently for people who only sleep once every 3 days. Then I thought if me losing my voice was indeed caused by using it improperly towards him, maybe I should not send a message till it is 100% healed. I can talk but I can't sing, not properly.
I'm very sad.
I legit was falling for him/ fell for him and was at the beginning of that. It was so lovely.
And I guess I screwed it up?
I apologized to him after the beach thing. And sent also a sort of long message explaining how I value making plans and if he can't consider plans the same (I think he doesnt, he's more spontaneous and probably the busiest person I know), to just tell me he doesn't know if he can see me then. I said I get that he's busy a lot, it's normal, it's fine, that I respect him. That I would stop asking to make so many plans. He heart reacted that and said "Good morning beautiful."
The day after was the first day he stopped texting me everyday. Actually the day after I mouthed off was. Two days after he accepted my apology, near midnight I told him actually the island wasn't fun and I just thought of him the whole time. At 930 am after, he texted me he misses me. So an hour later I said me too and proceeded to try to make plans with him. He didn't answer me and I texted him a few more random things. I called him twice in the evening, ten minutes apart cause I was getting super impatient and determined. I texted him again, still no response. Marcus being near me was also stressing me out like crazy. I am so bad at being ignored like that. And I thought he liked me. I went there. He was sleeping. Explains the lack of response. But now it's been 3 days.
It's a weird coincidence that this song describes like exactly what I'm going through now. I've been listening to it on repeat all day. Even now, at work.
I'm despondent. I'm pathetic.
I talked to Jamie and my mom, I'm going to Windsor in 2 days cause Pat wants to see his dad, I will see them too. I have a date tomorrow night with a guy Jimmy's age who is actually into BDSM and is a TV director and could help me with my porn plans (I had put on hold cause I sensed Jimmy wouldn't like me as much). I should stop making concessions. And conceding things that aren't even asked to be conceded.
I should be like a Buddhist and realize desire is a problem.
I haven't heard from him since.
I left his place at noon on Friday. It's Monday night now. He used to text me everyday, multiple times a day to say hi and stuff.
On Saturday I was thinking about the monogamy thing at work and I realized it's a terrible idea. It would make him too important to me. It would make things between us too serious and I don't want to be like that. I didnt want things to change really. I realized what I was asking was essentially to be collared. That is asking a lot. It wasn't right. But I didn't text him saying that then cause I already felt like I was texting him too much, showing up too much lately. I felt like I should wait, show him I can be patient, have boundaries.
Since the weekend before, things have been weird. He kindof stood me up that Saturday night. And I had an invite from Jeff to go there and I told him no, I thought I had plans, was waiting on a call - Jimmy's call (he told me to). That call never came. He apologized in the morning but then didn't say anything when I asked him about getting together later still since I didn't have to work. After 5 hours I mouthed off to him in a text and went to a party on the island with Yassin. I felt bad about mouthing off, thought about him the whole time pretty much. I lost my cat ears and my voice. And I hadn't talked much, it was weird, and my throat wasn't sore. I thought maybe it was from smoke from the bonfire. Or the mouthing off text bothered Jimmy and he'd inadvertently hexed me.
After the party I went to the guy who built the fire's house for breakfast/ coffee. When we walked to get almond milk he played his favorite song a few times, by A Perfect Circle. I'd never heard it before, it sounded like Incubus. I didn't know the name of it and have been trying to find out for a few days. I found it today.
Click to viewMy voice isn't back 100% yet. I thought Jimmy would probably have texted me by now. I got the impression he liked me a lot, maybe loved me even. Seemed like. I thought if he doesnt text me tonight, since he knows tonight at 11 is my weekend, and it's been 3 days, I would text him tomorrow to say hi. Maybe to ask if I had turned him off so completely/ scared him off so effectively. I don't know if the 3 day rule works out differently for people who only sleep once every 3 days. Then I thought if me losing my voice was indeed caused by using it improperly towards him, maybe I should not send a message till it is 100% healed. I can talk but I can't sing, not properly.
I'm very sad.
I legit was falling for him/ fell for him and was at the beginning of that. It was so lovely.
And I guess I screwed it up?
I apologized to him after the beach thing. And sent also a sort of long message explaining how I value making plans and if he can't consider plans the same (I think he doesnt, he's more spontaneous and probably the busiest person I know), to just tell me he doesn't know if he can see me then. I said I get that he's busy a lot, it's normal, it's fine, that I respect him. That I would stop asking to make so many plans. He heart reacted that and said "Good morning beautiful."
The day after was the first day he stopped texting me everyday. Actually the day after I mouthed off was. Two days after he accepted my apology, near midnight I told him actually the island wasn't fun and I just thought of him the whole time. At 930 am after, he texted me he misses me. So an hour later I said me too and proceeded to try to make plans with him. He didn't answer me and I texted him a few more random things. I called him twice in the evening, ten minutes apart cause I was getting super impatient and determined. I texted him again, still no response. Marcus being near me was also stressing me out like crazy. I am so bad at being ignored like that. And I thought he liked me. I went there. He was sleeping. Explains the lack of response. But now it's been 3 days.
It's a weird coincidence that this song describes like exactly what I'm going through now. I've been listening to it on repeat all day. Even now, at work.
I'm despondent. I'm pathetic.
I talked to Jamie and my mom, I'm going to Windsor in 2 days cause Pat wants to see his dad, I will see them too. I have a date tomorrow night with a guy Jimmy's age who is actually into BDSM and is a TV director and could help me with my porn plans (I had put on hold cause I sensed Jimmy wouldn't like me as much). I should stop making concessions. And conceding things that aren't even asked to be conceded.
I should be like a Buddhist and realize desire is a problem.