Introspection
So, I'm in a phase of introspection. Which, in a way, is a good thing. In other ways, however, it is not. It's difficult, uncomfortable, and time consuming, as well as mentally exhausting.
I have discovered that I'm a perfectionist. Of course, all of my friends said "DUH!!!" when I told them of my epiphany. Well, it was a surprise to _me_, even if it wasn't a surprise to those who know me best.
In doing some research, I've learned that perfectionism has a very high correlation with gifted people, and that some of the most common dysfunctions of perfectionism are fear of failure and procrastination. Hmmm.. sound familliar??
I've found all sorts of information defining these things, but not very much on how to deal with it, other than a few generalized "Make it better" suggestions that don't really help at this stage. My counsellor should also be able to help, but I only see her every couple of weeks.
Michelle suggested that I journal, and even gave me a spiral notebook, but I've never been one to write by hand what I could type, especially with my wrist problems. So, here I am, typing away at 0330, trying to make sense of the madness.
I suppose self-discovery is a cycle, or a spiral staircase. You're always journeying, never really getting to the end, but often reaching new levels of understanding. I feel like I'm on a really steep slope right now, and I'm just hoping there's a rest area around here somewhere.
On another note entirely, I've changed my major to mathematics (officially, in the computer, declared, and everything). It was a hard decision, as giving up the physics major was not okay in my head. It didn't feel right for me to give up on something difficult to do something enjoyable. I had to have four people very close to me ALL say to me "Your major doesn't have to be difficult, it's okay if you enjoy it and are good at it and it's okay for it to be easy" before I was even slightly okay with the switch. I'd accepted the challenge of a major in physics, and I wasn't okay with giving up on it "just because it was hard." On top of my overly-high self-expectations, it was also difficult to step closer to my mother in terms of career choices. I've lived for 27 years in her shadow (and it's a big shadow), and the physics major was one of the few things that distinguished me from her. Now that I'm studying mathematics, I'm even more in her shadow, in her footsteps, and I'm 26 years behind her. For someone who measures themselves against the best, being that far behind is NOT easy.
Then, as is standard in my dysfunctional world, I drop so far behind in my math classes this term that just passing will be an accomplishment, so that I don't have to succeed and set up a pattern of expectations. The pattern isn't there, but my perception of those expectations looms so large in my field of vision that I often can't see anything else. To quote from a paper I found online:
"This fear of success exists because if the [person] were to acieve, thus demonstrating an objective ability, they could be expected to repeat such a performance to an equivalent or higher level of achievement. For [this type of perfectionist], the fear of success is a stronger motivator than fear of failure... They convince themselves that failure is due to external uncontrollable factors. This way they can escape feeling responsible for their failure."
I have what is categorized as socially prescribed perfectionist (driven mostly by the fear of failure associated with negative evaluation and social anxiety). I'm going to block quote from the above mentioned paper (http://wabakimi.carleton.ca/~jlalonde/MajorPaper.htm) here, because tis all too true:
By definition, the neurotic socially prescribed perfectionist, the behavioural procrastinator, and the academic problem underachiever are related by characterological similarities.
The socially prescribed perfectionist is motivated by a fear of failure that stems from an overconcern with meeting others’ unrealistically high standards and avoiding social disapproval. This social anxiety or fear of failure often leads to procrastinatory behaviour. Because the socially prescribed perfectionist’s motive goal structure is built upon social expectations, they develop a belief that self-worth is determined by there ability to meet those, often parental, expectations. For example, when such a student is faced with a major research paper, they adopt self-handicapping strategies such as procrastination in an attempt to protect their subjective self-worth. If they don’t do this, and receive a poor grade on the paper, it could be interpreted as them having low objective ability. Thus, a fragile illusion of self-worth could be damaged. This process is causal of such a student not performing up to their expected potential, and, therefore, directly related to generalized underachievement.
The behavioural procrastinator is also motivated by a fear of failure. However, this FOF stems from a need to protect a vulnerable self-esteem. This type of chronic behavioural or avoidant procrastination is considered to be a self-defeating behaviour (Ferrari, 1994).
*sighs* Okay, that tells me _what_ this all is, and explains the patterns that exist in my life. Now I just need to find out how to fix it, and make it functional perfectionism, rather than neurotic perfectionism.
*goes back to her web searches*
I have discovered that I'm a perfectionist. Of course, all of my friends said "DUH!!!" when I told them of my epiphany. Well, it was a surprise to _me_, even if it wasn't a surprise to those who know me best.
In doing some research, I've learned that perfectionism has a very high correlation with gifted people, and that some of the most common dysfunctions of perfectionism are fear of failure and procrastination. Hmmm.. sound familliar??
I've found all sorts of information defining these things, but not very much on how to deal with it, other than a few generalized "Make it better" suggestions that don't really help at this stage. My counsellor should also be able to help, but I only see her every couple of weeks.
Michelle suggested that I journal, and even gave me a spiral notebook, but I've never been one to write by hand what I could type, especially with my wrist problems. So, here I am, typing away at 0330, trying to make sense of the madness.
I suppose self-discovery is a cycle, or a spiral staircase. You're always journeying, never really getting to the end, but often reaching new levels of understanding. I feel like I'm on a really steep slope right now, and I'm just hoping there's a rest area around here somewhere.
On another note entirely, I've changed my major to mathematics (officially, in the computer, declared, and everything). It was a hard decision, as giving up the physics major was not okay in my head. It didn't feel right for me to give up on something difficult to do something enjoyable. I had to have four people very close to me ALL say to me "Your major doesn't have to be difficult, it's okay if you enjoy it and are good at it and it's okay for it to be easy" before I was even slightly okay with the switch. I'd accepted the challenge of a major in physics, and I wasn't okay with giving up on it "just because it was hard." On top of my overly-high self-expectations, it was also difficult to step closer to my mother in terms of career choices. I've lived for 27 years in her shadow (and it's a big shadow), and the physics major was one of the few things that distinguished me from her. Now that I'm studying mathematics, I'm even more in her shadow, in her footsteps, and I'm 26 years behind her. For someone who measures themselves against the best, being that far behind is NOT easy.
Then, as is standard in my dysfunctional world, I drop so far behind in my math classes this term that just passing will be an accomplishment, so that I don't have to succeed and set up a pattern of expectations. The pattern isn't there, but my perception of those expectations looms so large in my field of vision that I often can't see anything else. To quote from a paper I found online:
"This fear of success exists because if the [person] were to acieve, thus demonstrating an objective ability, they could be expected to repeat such a performance to an equivalent or higher level of achievement. For [this type of perfectionist], the fear of success is a stronger motivator than fear of failure... They convince themselves that failure is due to external uncontrollable factors. This way they can escape feeling responsible for their failure."
I have what is categorized as socially prescribed perfectionist (driven mostly by the fear of failure associated with negative evaluation and social anxiety). I'm going to block quote from the above mentioned paper (http://wabakimi.carleton.ca/~jlalonde/MajorPaper.htm) here, because tis all too true:
By definition, the neurotic socially prescribed perfectionist, the behavioural procrastinator, and the academic problem underachiever are related by characterological similarities.
The socially prescribed perfectionist is motivated by a fear of failure that stems from an overconcern with meeting others’ unrealistically high standards and avoiding social disapproval. This social anxiety or fear of failure often leads to procrastinatory behaviour. Because the socially prescribed perfectionist’s motive goal structure is built upon social expectations, they develop a belief that self-worth is determined by there ability to meet those, often parental, expectations. For example, when such a student is faced with a major research paper, they adopt self-handicapping strategies such as procrastination in an attempt to protect their subjective self-worth. If they don’t do this, and receive a poor grade on the paper, it could be interpreted as them having low objective ability. Thus, a fragile illusion of self-worth could be damaged. This process is causal of such a student not performing up to their expected potential, and, therefore, directly related to generalized underachievement.
The behavioural procrastinator is also motivated by a fear of failure. However, this FOF stems from a need to protect a vulnerable self-esteem. This type of chronic behavioural or avoidant procrastination is considered to be a self-defeating behaviour (Ferrari, 1994).
*sighs* Okay, that tells me _what_ this all is, and explains the patterns that exist in my life. Now I just need to find out how to fix it, and make it functional perfectionism, rather than neurotic perfectionism.
*goes back to her web searches*