Thoughts...
It is truly hard to believe how his one word can cheer me up even when I`m feeling hopelessly depressed (well, okay, three words;o))
I do think I`m pathetic. I mean, so many people have real problems - serious lack of money, death of the ones they love, living in a country in war, suffering from deadly diseases... and yet they keep going, they keep fighting without feeling sorry for themselves. And I, having incredible, supportive boyfriend, loving family, being given help, not having to do anything I don`t feel like doing... I still can`t pull myself together:o/ Sometimes it`s good, erm better - I feel I can get over my problems, pass those final exams with good results, go to whichever uni I choose, achieve all I want, be what I want in my life - and I feel I really can do it all. And then, the sorrow comes. I hate it - this feeling that I can`t change anything, that I`ll fail and disappoint my family, and most importantly - him, that I`m silly even thinking that I`m good enough to make my dreams come true... It`s awful.
And sometimes I just feel lost. Weak. Lonely. Worthless. In those times I think it`s not worth fighting, it`s just a waste of time when I can end it all so easily... Just find the courage to take the knife and let the blade meet my skin... I can almost feel it: sharp, thin and cool metal touching my warm, pinkish skin... with blueish/greenish veins underneath... the touch is gentle at first and then fast movement!... there is little pain and then comforting warmth of blood... it`s leaking... and leaking... and leaking... and I`m leaving, feeling sleepy, my mind closing... until I`m gone. Not sure if it really feels this way, still leaving all the problems behind is worth a moment of suffering... few moments even... few hours... And then I think of my mum - she has so many problems, she should be resting and seeing a shrink and I should be the one who supports and helps her. If I killed myself, I think it would break her. And then I think of him. I try to imagine what I would feel if he killed himself. And I can`t do it. Not now. I have too many good people around me who I would hurt doing that.
Besides, after yesterday`s talk I feel I can handle this freaking school for one year more. With some help from the shrink, maybe I`ll even figure out a way to deal with my friends in a way that won`t leave me feeling humiliated by myself.
I told him a lot about the way I feel, the way I am. I wanted to be honest with him - I showed him what I really am like: coward, hurting my family and adding more problems to those they already have just because I`m having a "hard time", not having enough courage to express my opinion even to my friends, not having enough strength to at least try to reach for what I want, indulging myself... I told him all that... and he excused everything. Everything. I asked him if there was anything wouldn`t forgive me for doing and he said (I quote): "Nothing I can think of. If you killed someone I'd probably want to have a quick talk about it, but I'm sure we could work it out. ;-)". With such support, I really feel good. Very good;o)