More endless thoughts...
Living on my own has its perks and its downfalls. I love that I am out of such a restricting relationship, but the road to recovery and change is so very hard. I am slowly adjusting, but this whole issue of having way too much time is starting to really get to me. It means that my mind races constantly and I think way too much.
Currently I have a love interest that is on the back burner. Deciding not to date is hard. Just as hard as it is to not get too attached to the person while having a no strings friendship. I think it would be much easier if I had never talked B into admitting that he loved me. It would be so much easier if I had let things stay the way they were. I knew that he loved me though I would have felt terrible because B would still have no idea that I love him just as much as he loves me.
The issue at hand really comes down to the fact that part of me really wants to able to have an official relationship even though I know it would be a terrible decision for multiple reasons. The first reason is because we both just got out of long term relationships that were not of the good sort. I know we both need time to heal and explore the world around us. I think a part of me wants to skip that phase and just dive in head first, but at the same time I would not want to mess up what I have with him. If anything I want what I have with him to grow and blossom into something more than it already is.
The second reason that I find it all so hard is the fact that every time I do spend time with B it occurs to me just how much he doesn't know about me. I could never let things evolve yet, not without him fully understanding everything there is to me. I need to be able to really have someone around so that they can learn my ins and my outs. I am so used to living with someone who knew how to read me so well that my lies about what I could do would not go unseen.
Maybe, I need to be more open and honest about what I cannot do. Being honest about how difficult things are for me on a daily basis. I know that when he looks at me he sees a normal girl and as much as I love that he sees me that way I also realize that, that really causes a problem. When I do have issues that need to be dealt with.
Currently I have a love interest that is on the back burner. Deciding not to date is hard. Just as hard as it is to not get too attached to the person while having a no strings friendship. I think it would be much easier if I had never talked B into admitting that he loved me. It would be so much easier if I had let things stay the way they were. I knew that he loved me though I would have felt terrible because B would still have no idea that I love him just as much as he loves me.
The issue at hand really comes down to the fact that part of me really wants to able to have an official relationship even though I know it would be a terrible decision for multiple reasons. The first reason is because we both just got out of long term relationships that were not of the good sort. I know we both need time to heal and explore the world around us. I think a part of me wants to skip that phase and just dive in head first, but at the same time I would not want to mess up what I have with him. If anything I want what I have with him to grow and blossom into something more than it already is.
The second reason that I find it all so hard is the fact that every time I do spend time with B it occurs to me just how much he doesn't know about me. I could never let things evolve yet, not without him fully understanding everything there is to me. I need to be able to really have someone around so that they can learn my ins and my outs. I am so used to living with someone who knew how to read me so well that my lies about what I could do would not go unseen.
Maybe, I need to be more open and honest about what I cannot do. Being honest about how difficult things are for me on a daily basis. I know that when he looks at me he sees a normal girl and as much as I love that he sees me that way I also realize that, that really causes a problem. When I do have issues that need to be dealt with.