Doubts and Misgivings
It's been a very long time since I've posted on here, but it's also been a long time since I felt the overwhelming need to purge my thoughts onto some kind of medium.
I'm lost and I'm scared, and no one will listen to me. Or perhaps a more accurate statement is that I'm afraid to tell anyone the whole truth. To disappoint them. To let them know of my failings. School is a mess and I don't know what to do with myself if I fail at this. Hell, I don't know what to do with myself even if I don't. I can't envision the future and this frightens me. How can I make the right decisions if I don't know where I want to be? This class is weighing heavily on me and I've quit going yet again because I'm so overwhelmed by it. I keep trying to find the strength inside myself to persevere and keep trying but it's eluding me. I feel reduced to a child and all I want to do is run away and hide.
I'm just so tired.
As for my relationship, well I don't even know what to say on that front. I haven't talked to him since I left without saying goodbye two days ago. I tried to talk to him, to tell him what I was feeling. Sometimes that is so hard. But I did try and in my limited way I did communicate. Just like I promised him I would. I was feeling sensitive, down on myself, and just all around rotten as it seemed that the day was just getting progressively worse and plans were falling down all around me. And all I wanted was a bit more care, a bit more affection, and when I got neither and instead felt that I was ignored I simmered. And he allowed me to simmer, never saying a word, never addressing what might be wrong with me. Never even trying to be affectionate. We just sat in silence. And at last when I gave up on him and finally communicated what I was feeling I was met with defensiveness and then yet more silence as he just stood there stoically. What's the point of exerting the effort of letting someone know when I need something if there is nothing to be gained from it? I held up my end of the bargain, but he failed to hold up his. The next morning when the last straw had been reached and again my opening up was rebuffed I gave up and left. I obviously was not going to find what I needed there and felt that if I tried one last time the results wouldn't be any different. So rather than face the disappointment I silently walked out the door.
Now I don't know what to do. I keep waiting on him, for what I don't know. But I keep waiting.
Why can't he just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright? That's all I wanted in the first place and that's all I want now more than ever.
Maybe it will end like this.
I'm lost and I'm scared, and no one will listen to me. Or perhaps a more accurate statement is that I'm afraid to tell anyone the whole truth. To disappoint them. To let them know of my failings. School is a mess and I don't know what to do with myself if I fail at this. Hell, I don't know what to do with myself even if I don't. I can't envision the future and this frightens me. How can I make the right decisions if I don't know where I want to be? This class is weighing heavily on me and I've quit going yet again because I'm so overwhelmed by it. I keep trying to find the strength inside myself to persevere and keep trying but it's eluding me. I feel reduced to a child and all I want to do is run away and hide.
I'm just so tired.
As for my relationship, well I don't even know what to say on that front. I haven't talked to him since I left without saying goodbye two days ago. I tried to talk to him, to tell him what I was feeling. Sometimes that is so hard. But I did try and in my limited way I did communicate. Just like I promised him I would. I was feeling sensitive, down on myself, and just all around rotten as it seemed that the day was just getting progressively worse and plans were falling down all around me. And all I wanted was a bit more care, a bit more affection, and when I got neither and instead felt that I was ignored I simmered. And he allowed me to simmer, never saying a word, never addressing what might be wrong with me. Never even trying to be affectionate. We just sat in silence. And at last when I gave up on him and finally communicated what I was feeling I was met with defensiveness and then yet more silence as he just stood there stoically. What's the point of exerting the effort of letting someone know when I need something if there is nothing to be gained from it? I held up my end of the bargain, but he failed to hold up his. The next morning when the last straw had been reached and again my opening up was rebuffed I gave up and left. I obviously was not going to find what I needed there and felt that if I tried one last time the results wouldn't be any different. So rather than face the disappointment I silently walked out the door.
Now I don't know what to do. I keep waiting on him, for what I don't know. But I keep waiting.
Why can't he just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright? That's all I wanted in the first place and that's all I want now more than ever.
Maybe it will end like this.