[1] Fanfic: Shine A Light (1/2)
Title: Shine A Light
Author: Atenais
Rating: NC-15 (maybe?)
Length: Two chapters
Words: 4844
Pairings: GTOP (SeungHyun/JiYong)
Genre: Canon, Angst
Beta: aislinoriel. Thank you again, Tegan.
Summary: What happened backstage at Shine A Light.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, these boys don't belong to me. But the story certainly is the fruit of my imagination.
Warning: language, inconsistency.
Version: Portuguese/Spanish
A/N: I dedicate this fic to amazing 0ddie13. She deserved all glory (if this fic has any), because she translated this fic for me, I just helped her (a bit). Patrícia, muchas gracias, no tengo palabras para agradecerte. Espero que este fic esté de tu agrado y espero no hacerte esperar mucho por la segunda parte.
Shine A Light
I - In The Darkness
The noise coming from the crowd was deafening, the fans screaming at the top of their lungs, and with every performance the noise seemed to grow, if possible, at unimaginable levels.
Backstage was reminiscent of an anthill in activity: members of the staff running everywhere; guest artists, waiting their turn to go on stage, some used to the zoom-zoom and hurried movement while others nervously called their makeup artists, or concentrated in small details on their outfits to appease their own anxiety; guests, friends, and family members of the artists raised their heads for a better view of the stage; even the security men, with their haughty air and earpieces, didn’t seem immune to the electricity and excitement of the environment. In the waiting room, five people lay scattered on the sofas.
“I’m exhausted!” Sighed the girl, before biting into a fruit. She watched, with shining eyes, the people around her, examining their faces. “What happened, why the faces?”
“Hyung said he is not going up.” replied a bad-tempered, black-haired young man. “And I don’t know why we can’t...” he continued.
The dark-skinned man with light hair just rolled his eyes and did not add any comments, meanwhile the shortest of the three just swiped a handkerchief over his face, wiping the sweat produced by the bright lighting in the room.
“We prepared so much for this, it will really be such a shame if we don’t do it. Also, hyung is waiting for us and will certainly be disappointed, and the fans...” the black-haired boy continued with his endless complaints.
Another young girl, wearing a jacket over a leotard, who had remained attentive to the conversation from the sofa where she was, glanced at the older girl and younger boy with the expression of someone who is trying hard to comprehend the incomprehensible. “Did he really say he would not go???”
“Really! In fact, he is already gone!” confirmed the light-haired one.
“Ah, it’ll be a shame...” the dark-haired one sighed.
The shortest boy just shrugged, at the same time the girl who ate the fruit, took one last bite before taking out a cell phone and shouting excitedly: “Then, let’s take pictures!!!”
*****
The assistant, with clipboard in hand, was waiting at the backstage entrance. Her brow furrowed, a bead of sweat dripping down her temple. To be chosen to give him the news, I cannot not believe my luck, she thought angrily. After the stage lights went out people started to fill the place. The dancers came breathless, without a word, hands outstretched in search of water and towels. In the midst of the confusion people made way for a young man with a mohawk, who came panting. The assistant crossed his path, there was no other way.
“They won’t go up.”
“What-?” he spat the word, still not understanding the meaning of the phrase.
“The members, the members, they won’t go up!” she repeated nervously.
“But what the hell! What’s happening...?” Without waiting for the woman’s response, he stomped his way into the dressing room.
The room was full, and as soon as he came in all heads turned his direction, some let out exclamations of horror and surprise. Surprise that was not shared by three people who were there, who immediately understood the nod from their leader and followed him towards one of the lateral aisles, full of cables and mountains of sound equipment piled up high at one side.
“What happened?” he asked bluntly.
The light-haired one glanced at the shortest one, waiting for him to explain what happened, but the youngest of them was already ahead.
“Hyung, I don’t know what happened, but it’s a shame, I think it’ll be very bad for us if we don’t go up. The fans will be disappointed and...Well, TOP-ssi came into the dressing room, furious, said he was going and just left. I’m sure everyone will be disappointed…”
The leader put his hands up, until the other stopped what he was saying and then looked directly at the shortest one. “What happened, YongBae?” Despite the low voice, his eyes were full of anger.
“I’m sorry, Ji, summarizing what SeungRi said, it was really that. He just came into the dressing room, said he would not go on stage, gathered his things and left.”
“Do you know what happened, Dae?” He asked the light-haired one.
“I went after him, JiYong-hyung, but he took a taxi and didn’t say a word.” DaeSung answered, almost as if apologizing.
A staff member approached them, agitated. “G-Dragon-ssi, there is no time, you have to go right now, G-Dragon-ssi.”
JiYong looked at the others, sighed deeply and turned to the young man who waited anxiously. “Coming. Let’s go!”
“What about the others, G-Dragon-ssi?” asked the boy, confused.
“I’ll go alone.” The young man froze, opening his mouth without making a sound, unable to make any other reaction. The other three exchanged looks and could only watch JiYong go alone towards the dark stage. A few seconds later the lights came on suddenly, illuminating the entire stage, while the crowd screamed in exhilaration.
*****
Saturday night, the traffic in Seoul showed signs of the mood of the weekend. Despite the cold - the electronic clock on the central sidewalk that divided the avenues marked minus 10 degrees - the streets were full. People walking on the sidewalks, cars passing by each other, people going to a particular place, others walking aimlessly, groups of friends laughing, ladies with gift bags, couples taking advantage of the cold to walk closer, men dressed in casual clothes probably going to drink soju with peers. In some parts of the city, mainly in the commercial areas, Christmas lights were already lit, the city awake and active, stirring in the cold of winter.
The taxi continued down the avenue, there was the contrast of the lights outside which lit the car inside, before it was immersed in the dark, the next second lit again, and in another once again, the darkness. Yet, this did not arouse any interest in the man sitting in the back seat; he was still, looking outside without really looking at anything. The driver seemed really curious about the eccentric character, and from time to time he would glance at him through the rear-view mirror. Anyhow, it was not every day he had passengers as good-looking as this one: he was a tall man, wearing a dark trench coat over his clothes, which certainly looked expensive. He had long, black hair, falling over his face and eyes that were hidden behind dark glasses. What, what if he was really an artist? Had he not caught the taxi at the entrance of the concert stadium? Besides, who wore dark glasses on a cold night like tonight? After these brief thoughts, the driver asked one more time. “Hey, sir, do you know to where we’re going?”
The man finally seemed to wake from his trance and spoke to the driver. “Sorry, ajusshi.” After thinking for a few seconds he told him the address of his home. Not the dorms he shared with the boys, but his home, his parents’ house.
The driver then followed the route that would take them away from the city center, towards one of the quietest parts of the Korean capital. After parking in front of a comfortable two-story house, the driver was prepared to leave, but not without hesitating five seconds, as if to question the stranger about his real identity. But, hey, he decided, he was just a passenger, whoever he was; he would remain being a stranger. And more used to the idea the driver just started the car again and left.
He looked at the house, there in the darkness. The fact that his parents and older sister were traveling made him decide to come. He reached inside his bag for his ring of keys, on which he had his own copy of the key that would open the parental home. Entering through a small hallway, he left his shoes in the cabinet next to the wall and flicked the light switch, illuminating the living room. He placed his bag carefully on one of the sofas, next he took off his trench coat, hanging it on the rack. He’d repeated these movements automatically since childhood, when his mother had taught him the importance of discipline. This was one of the many characteristics inherited from his mother: discipline, organization and a huge sense of responsibility. He walked in his slippers to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water, and then filling a glass, drank its contents completely, choking afterwards. He controlled himself in a millisecond, so as to not throw the glass faraway.
After coughing hard, he obediently washed the glass, storing it in the cabinet, put the water bottle in the fridge and returned to the living room, turning off the lights on the way. He let himself fall on the sofa, lying down, slightly uncomfortable, because the furniture was rather small. He closed his eyes, rubbing his temples with both hands. He seemed to want to erase an unwanted image, which insisted on appearing in his mind. He remained in the dark, which brought him no sleep, thinking and thinking.
*****
The audience was completely captivated. The singer, no doubt, dominated. The dancers around him followed his rhythm and beat, this one person attracted all the attention, not just from fans, but from each person present at the concert. All eyes simply could not deviate, as the song reached its climax. He moved away from the other dancers and went to a certain point on the stage, taking off his jacket on the way.
From backstage, he, like all others, followed him with fascination, absorbing his every move, feeling his face burning in anticipation. A huge bed was raised on stage, and a dancer moved in front of him, the two bodies coming closer and into a frenzy, whilst in the background, mixed with the original song, the clear sound of panting breaths. The singer’s voice was heard in the distance, low, certainly hindered by the dance moves and interaction with the dancer, who in a second circled his waist with her legs. He took one of her legs and pressed his body towards the girl, the crowd, who before screamed crazed, now was silent, their mouths all open due to surprise and stupefaction. He felt the rush of his blood stronger, dominated by an urgent feeling of anger and jealousy, and before he could deny it, he felt his body react excitedly. He didn’t look away, even when the singer sank his face against the dancer’s neck, the woman’s hands gliding over his body. He should find this normal, it was not very different from other performances, but, but...
He swallowed. No, definitely, it was very different from anything they had ever done! He seemed totally committed, as if, as if he was enjoying it! Damn!
The lights started to dim, until they were completely gone. He turned his back to the stage and walked away, stomping into the dressing room. YongBae, who followed him, just looked on anxiously when he realized the long face. “I’m leaving.”
“How, you’re leaving? Where? We still didn’t perform and...” he was silenced by a gesture from the other. YongBae then quickly went where DaeSung was, pulling at his arm. “DaeSung-ah, TOP-hyung said he is leaving-” before DaeSung could ask anything YongBae pushed him forward. “Go talk to him, stop him!”
Dae could barely follow the man, who quickly left the dressing room before he got lost in the tumult that was backstage at a show in full action.
“YongBae-hyung, what happened? Wow, did you see the performance of hyung just now? I could hardly believe it! He didn’t say anything, didn’t say he was going to dance like that with Aimee-noona.” spoke the other in a mixture of entertainment and wonder.
“TOP-hyung left.” said YongBae simply.
“B-Bu- what do you mean ‘left’?” stammered the other.
“Just like that. He took his things and-he-left.”
SeungRi, with wide eyes, was finally, speechless.
*****
He awoke with a start, annoyed with the noise of the doorbell. He brought his hand to his neck feeling pain; he shouldn’t have fallen sleep on such a small couch. He looked at the watch on his wrist, clicking on the button that lit up the time, three o’clock a.m. Riiiiiiiiiing, riiiiiiiiiiiiing! The doorbell rang again. Damn! Who could it be at this hour? Maybe his parents returned from their trip? But, they wouldn’t ring the doorbell at their own home! He angrily gathered himself up and headed to the front door. The figure outside did not wait for an invitation to enter. He walked straight to the living room after getting rid of his shoes. SeungHyun felt his anger increase. He closed the door and followed the other.
“What are you doing here? How did you know I’d be here?”
The other made a gesture before answering. “Where else in the world do you run to when something happens?! God, as if I don’t know you well enough!” He replied, agitated. “And why the hell did you leave me abandoned there?! Why did you do this to me?” In the last question the boy hinted, for a fraction of a second, a tone of hurt in his complaint, but SeungHyun could not see his face in the darkness of the living room. He did not know then, whether he had imagined it or if the other had actually shown signs of pain. “How could you humiliate me like this in front of everyone?” Oh, then the only thing he cared about was his pride. This finding filled SeungHyun with rage. He took a deep breath, controlling his voice, so that it sounded as calm and cold as possible. “I left because I wanted to. Simple as that. And if you’re so concerned, why did you wait to look for me for 5 hours after your precious show?”
JiYong couldn’t believe what his ears heard, he felt himself shaking, clenching his fists, and his desire was to hit the man in front of him. “You, the only person I really wanted to be there, who should have supported me until the end, you, simply left. Ah! I still can’t believe it. If I had come right away, you can be certain that it would’ve been to hit you in the face.” He started walking around the room. The dim night light allowed SeungHyun to follow the shadows of his body in movement, astonished. Until JiYong approached the sofa and sat down heavily, ran a hand through his hair, still standing because of the hairspray. He laughed, but the sound of that laughter was full of bitterness. “You left because you just felt like it!”
SeungHyun felt a lump forming in his stomach, he stayed in the same place, his eyes fixed on JiYong. He blinked a few times, trying to analyze his own feelings, trying to learn something from the anger he had felt earlier, unfortunately, with no results. He was beginning to feel miserable. That feeling intensified when he realized that the other was crouched over, holding his face in his hands. My god, he was not crying! Was he?
Upon hearing JiYong’s repressed sobs, an invisible force pushed SeungHyun’s body forward, slowly rising from the sofa; he knelt by JiYong’s side. “Ji, I...I’m sorry.” He still didn’t know whether to regret what he had done, but he desperately wanted to stop the tears of the other. He raised his hand, hesitating to touch the man in front of him, his feelings were so confused, that he could not coordinate his own actions. Finally, he laid his hand lightly on the arm of the other, taking his wrist and trying to pull at him gently. “Ji, please, don’t cry.” The other seemed as if he was going to resist to his touch, but then did nothing, he didn’t even glance in the direction of SeungHyun. A few minutes passed, until there were no more signs of tears. SeungHyun felt his skin burn where his hand touched the arm of the other; he was undecided about what to do in front of JiYong’s inertness. He didn’t know what to say, nor did he find justification for what he had done, but now, he could clearly see his own selfishness and jealousy.
He released JiYong’s pulse, sighed heavily and collected himself. “JiYong-ah, I felt jealous.” He admitted, embarrassed. The other seemed to have awakened from his stupor and looked startled at SeungHyun. “But, what the hell...? You felt jealous?” He opened his mouth and rocked his head. “From what the hell was this moron jealous?” he spoke aloud, more to himself than to the other. He collected himself and faced the other. “Can you explain me what kind of fucking jealousy this was, that you abandoned me there, alone? Do you realize how I felt when SeungRi, fuck...when SeungRi told me you had taken off?” SeungHyun felt totally embarrassed, and could not bear to hold the gaze of the other, even in the darkness. “I felt jealous when I saw you with Aimee.” He finally confessed.
“Shit! You felt jealous of the performance???” JiYong could hardly believe what he heard. When he himself heard what he said out loud, SeungHyun immediately realized the foolishness of his feelings, of his insecurity, and worse, his selfishness. Now he saw clearly that he let himself be swept away by a miserable feeling, him, who he believed so controlled, so rational, acting in such an unforgivable way. He was stunned by this response. Shame seemed to infiltrate his whole body, he retreated a few steps, falling into a small armchair that was in the living room. Now JiYong did not seem to be the fragile being that was crying just a few minutes ago, he looked like a mythological entity, a judge, holding the sword and scales, and SeungHyun didn’t know if his heart would pass the test, in the end, did he not feel heavy with guilt for what he had done?
Life did not cease to be ironic. Now JiYong watched SeungHyun, sitting with his head bowed. No, he did not cry, but his hands were visibly trembling. How many minutes did the two stay like this? No one knew, the clock in the kitchen just ticked monotonously. The youngest then sat on the big couch; they didn’t look at each other, each a prisoner of his own thoughts. There was no safety from thoughts or feelings. It was not rare to be taken by surprise by certain feelings, foreign to one’s nature or one’s own education. The kindest people have been taken over by feelings of envy and greed, while the worst murderers have felt compassion for their victims. The interior of each human being is a complex cauldron of boiling and furious thoughts, and this magical combination is what makes humans interesting beings. So, certain thoughts must not be divided, even revealed, as it is the only way to protect oneself and to avoid hurting loved ones.
At this instant JiYong felt no more anger towards SeungHyun. In fact, he felt nothing. He had gone from sadness to anger and from this to bewilderment, now he felt exhausted. SeungHyun felt shame.
“Why did you feel jealous?” JiYong’s voice broke the long silence. In his question there was no accusation, nor anger, perhaps only a curious indifference.
SeungHyun looked at the other for a long time before answering. “I know it’s stupid and will not say that I’m sorry, when even I know it’s useless.” He swallowed hard before continuing. “I don’t know how to make you understand what I felt when I saw you there with Aimee, because I don’t even comprehend it. The thing is, well, everything we have should be kept in the darkness, I can’t say it to anyone and sometimes it’s so frustrating. I can’t touch you when I want to, we have to be on the lookout all the time and then there you are, with a woman, and everything seemed so right! Can you imagine how I felt when I myself found that true?! As if I had realized that ‘us’ is something wrong, as if somehow, I knew that what we have has no future whatsoever! I didn’t feel jealous of Aimee, but of the emotion that, that awoke...” at the last sentence his voice broke into a whisper.
JiYong felt anger at himself for understanding perfectly what the other was saying. The truth was that seeing his bandmate, always so sure of himself, now so fragile, that moved some invisible cord of his own sensibility. It was simply impossible not to be moved with the vision of that man, tall and beautiful in front of him, now reduced to broken whispers. SeungHyun never felt jealousy, he never complained of his craziness and caprices, always acted irritably perfect, to the point of annoying JiYong, and now he confessed a weakness so directly, without half-truths or justifications. How could he not break with this, hell!
The last thing SeungHyun expected was exactly what happened. Sitting, with his head down, he saw JiYong kneel in front of him, take his face in his hands and kiss him deeply.
“Why?” He asked stunned, as soon as their lips parted. “Because I love you, stupid!” Then JiYong kissed him once again, pulling him towards himself. SeungHyun let himself fall from the armchair, kneeling in front of the other, his arms lying along his body, still not daring to make any movement that was not to return the kiss. JiYong didn’t think of what he was doing, he simply obeyed the impulse. There were no words left to say, and what he needed was to touch him, with no plan in what he did, just the desire, not entirely clear, of showing SeungHyun that he understood his feelings and that these fears had no place. How could their relationship not be a sure thing? If this was the only thing that he was certain of in this world? Thinking of this distressed him so much that he wrapped his arms around the other’s body, squeezing until it hurt. Not giving into any sensual desire, he just expressed his own fears, as if in this act he could capture this moment, as if he could confirm that they belonged to each other. SeungHyun felt the urgency in JiYong’s embrace, grabbed his arms and retreated from them a little. “Hey, I love you too.” They stared at each other without seeing clearly due to the darkness. SeungHyun’s hands slid down the youngest arms until their fingers intertwined, pressing firmly on the other’s palms with his, imprinting them with their security. He was again the old SeungHyun. And felt no more fear.
Still holding hands, he tilted his head until he reached JiYong’s lips. They didn’t need to prove anything anymore. SeungHyun kept his eyes wide open, watching in the scarce visibility, JiYong still with his eyes closed was surrendering to that moment. The eldest touched the lips of the man in front of him with the tip of his tongue, just tasting, while the other waited. SeungHyun delivered small kisses around his mouth, without any sharp movements, he kissed the full length of his jaw, going up to his ear, his teeth gently capturing the earlobe, still just tasting. Slowly he began circling his tongue at the soft flesh and JiYong let a sigh escape. Without letting go of his hands, or getting closer than necessary, SeungHyun returned to his lips.
JiYong’s mouth was a desirable fruit and SeungHyun longed to taste it properly. He captured JiYong’s lower lip between his, biting, until the other cried out in pain, he then took the opportunity and slipped his tongue into his mouth, probing, each time more insistently, until their tongues met, recognizing and surrendering to the first lustful kiss of the night. Their mouths devoured each other, JiYong’s hands trembled, trying to escape, but the other would not allow it; they were going to torture themselves until it was unbearable. The youngest left the kiss - he would not be subjugated this way - and his lips flew to the neck of the other. He also liked to provoke. His body instinctively moved forward, seeking more contact, which was not allowed. Not yet. He deposited random kisses on SeungHyun’s neck, and bit and licked and sucked, completely burning in his own desire, leaving small bruises on the soft flesh of the other.
Both were panting heavily, the air entering with difficulty into their lungs, hearts out of rhythm, blood pumping vigorously. They were two young men and their bodies responded to all those provocations. “But, hell...!” SeungHyun cursed before releasing JiYong’s hands and throwing himself at the other voraciously. As if they were under the control of a common force, hands sought each other’s bodies, intruding under clothes, seeking skin, JiYong’s hands sliding across the whole length of SeungHyun’s back, squeezing, caressing, while SeungHyun’s hands at last were drawn to him hungrily. Their bodies crashed together exquisitely, with lips that recognized each other, caresses that were generously gifted. But they wanted more.
JiYong roughly pulled at SeungHyun’s shirt, taking it off over his head, and after SeungHyun’s chest was exposed to the cold air, JiYong bowed his head, depositing dazed kisses where his lips reached.
They both felt as if they had returned to the past, like the first time when they were together, when everything was so strange, so full of urgency and desire. They felt awkward again and once more felt thirst for the flesh of the other, as if the need was something greater than them. As if the need wasn’t something solid and familiar, but as if impregnated by all those feelings that drowned them at this moment; love, fear, anger, tenderness, all blended into a single violent impulse, which was to possess one another, not just physically, but completely. Ah, the human being, a fool, so greedy and so incapable of expressing its own desires, taking things violently, as if it could engrave its will. Still, though the philosophy was non-existent at that instant, the thoughts, while they were minimally comprehensible, revolved around their ancestral desires of possession, materializing in some abstract but erotic images, which only intensified the sensations they experienced at the moment.
SeungHyun helped JiYong with his clothes, laughing at his own awkwardness and confusion whilst undressing one another, but never without losing focus, never without their eyes losing the sparkle of anticipation. Despite the apparent confusion, they knew each other, knew what to do, knew where to touch, they knew what gave pleasure to the other. And the long sighs, broken words by stifled and difficult breathing, was fuel that encouraged them to continue. In the semi-darkness, the sight of their naked bodies indulging in their own pleasure was both crude and beautiful, because beauty exists in simple and absolute truths.
“Hyun...” The word escaped his lips and the two searched in the darkness until they reached the large sofa, which was not long enough to fit two aligned bodies properly, but that was not really a problem. SeungHyun covered JiYong with his own body, with no gentleness, crushing the other who didn’t complain, because certain pleasures were appreciated only when there was pain. And the pain of surrendering was so sweet and stunning as the conquest, especially when there are no more doubts remaining about feelings.
SeungHyun kissed JiYong furiously, passionately, the hands which had touched before, now prepared them to follow a more desirable path that would blind them in the end. The sounds that escaped their throats filled the room. In the distance was the noise of a siren, outside the night devoured the city, in the kitchen the clock continued its monotonous clicking. And in the living room... Ah, in the living room, two people loved each other and nothing else.
*****
Voile curtains let the clarity of the day gently illuminate the room. It wasn’t necessary to extend his arms to realize that he was alone in his single bed, but the rumpled sheets were witness that there had been someone else there. He rubbed his eyes before sitting up. When he stretched he felt pain in his back, taking his right hand instinctively where it hurt. Ah! He had scratched him there. This one thought took him back to the night before and he remembered why he was in his old bachelor’s room at his parent’s house. And the reason filled him with satisfaction and left him in a good mood.
On the small table, which balanced three action figures, he found a small folded paper. Upon reaching for the note and reading its contents he frowned. SeungHyun pushed the sheets off and walked to the bathroom. On the bed JiYong’s note lay abandoned, simply saying “We need to talk”.
To be continued...
************
Author: Atenais
Rating: NC-15 (maybe?)
Length: Two chapters
Words: 4844
Pairings: GTOP (SeungHyun/JiYong)
Genre: Canon, Angst
Beta: aislinoriel. Thank you again, Tegan.
Summary: What happened backstage at Shine A Light.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, these boys don't belong to me. But the story certainly is the fruit of my imagination.
Warning: language, inconsistency.
Version: Portuguese/Spanish
A/N: I dedicate this fic to amazing 0ddie13. She deserved all glory (if this fic has any), because she translated this fic for me, I just helped her (a bit). Patrícia, muchas gracias, no tengo palabras para agradecerte. Espero que este fic esté de tu agrado y espero no hacerte esperar mucho por la segunda parte.
Shine A Light
I - In The Darkness
The noise coming from the crowd was deafening, the fans screaming at the top of their lungs, and with every performance the noise seemed to grow, if possible, at unimaginable levels.
Backstage was reminiscent of an anthill in activity: members of the staff running everywhere; guest artists, waiting their turn to go on stage, some used to the zoom-zoom and hurried movement while others nervously called their makeup artists, or concentrated in small details on their outfits to appease their own anxiety; guests, friends, and family members of the artists raised their heads for a better view of the stage; even the security men, with their haughty air and earpieces, didn’t seem immune to the electricity and excitement of the environment. In the waiting room, five people lay scattered on the sofas.
“I’m exhausted!” Sighed the girl, before biting into a fruit. She watched, with shining eyes, the people around her, examining their faces. “What happened, why the faces?”
“Hyung said he is not going up.” replied a bad-tempered, black-haired young man. “And I don’t know why we can’t...” he continued.
The dark-skinned man with light hair just rolled his eyes and did not add any comments, meanwhile the shortest of the three just swiped a handkerchief over his face, wiping the sweat produced by the bright lighting in the room.
“We prepared so much for this, it will really be such a shame if we don’t do it. Also, hyung is waiting for us and will certainly be disappointed, and the fans...” the black-haired boy continued with his endless complaints.
Another young girl, wearing a jacket over a leotard, who had remained attentive to the conversation from the sofa where she was, glanced at the older girl and younger boy with the expression of someone who is trying hard to comprehend the incomprehensible. “Did he really say he would not go???”
“Really! In fact, he is already gone!” confirmed the light-haired one.
“Ah, it’ll be a shame...” the dark-haired one sighed.
The shortest boy just shrugged, at the same time the girl who ate the fruit, took one last bite before taking out a cell phone and shouting excitedly: “Then, let’s take pictures!!!”
*****
The assistant, with clipboard in hand, was waiting at the backstage entrance. Her brow furrowed, a bead of sweat dripping down her temple. To be chosen to give him the news, I cannot not believe my luck, she thought angrily. After the stage lights went out people started to fill the place. The dancers came breathless, without a word, hands outstretched in search of water and towels. In the midst of the confusion people made way for a young man with a mohawk, who came panting. The assistant crossed his path, there was no other way.
“They won’t go up.”
“What-?” he spat the word, still not understanding the meaning of the phrase.
“The members, the members, they won’t go up!” she repeated nervously.
“But what the hell! What’s happening...?” Without waiting for the woman’s response, he stomped his way into the dressing room.
The room was full, and as soon as he came in all heads turned his direction, some let out exclamations of horror and surprise. Surprise that was not shared by three people who were there, who immediately understood the nod from their leader and followed him towards one of the lateral aisles, full of cables and mountains of sound equipment piled up high at one side.
“What happened?” he asked bluntly.
The light-haired one glanced at the shortest one, waiting for him to explain what happened, but the youngest of them was already ahead.
“Hyung, I don’t know what happened, but it’s a shame, I think it’ll be very bad for us if we don’t go up. The fans will be disappointed and...Well, TOP-ssi came into the dressing room, furious, said he was going and just left. I’m sure everyone will be disappointed…”
The leader put his hands up, until the other stopped what he was saying and then looked directly at the shortest one. “What happened, YongBae?” Despite the low voice, his eyes were full of anger.
“I’m sorry, Ji, summarizing what SeungRi said, it was really that. He just came into the dressing room, said he would not go on stage, gathered his things and left.”
“Do you know what happened, Dae?” He asked the light-haired one.
“I went after him, JiYong-hyung, but he took a taxi and didn’t say a word.” DaeSung answered, almost as if apologizing.
A staff member approached them, agitated. “G-Dragon-ssi, there is no time, you have to go right now, G-Dragon-ssi.”
JiYong looked at the others, sighed deeply and turned to the young man who waited anxiously. “Coming. Let’s go!”
“What about the others, G-Dragon-ssi?” asked the boy, confused.
“I’ll go alone.” The young man froze, opening his mouth without making a sound, unable to make any other reaction. The other three exchanged looks and could only watch JiYong go alone towards the dark stage. A few seconds later the lights came on suddenly, illuminating the entire stage, while the crowd screamed in exhilaration.
*****
Saturday night, the traffic in Seoul showed signs of the mood of the weekend. Despite the cold - the electronic clock on the central sidewalk that divided the avenues marked minus 10 degrees - the streets were full. People walking on the sidewalks, cars passing by each other, people going to a particular place, others walking aimlessly, groups of friends laughing, ladies with gift bags, couples taking advantage of the cold to walk closer, men dressed in casual clothes probably going to drink soju with peers. In some parts of the city, mainly in the commercial areas, Christmas lights were already lit, the city awake and active, stirring in the cold of winter.
The taxi continued down the avenue, there was the contrast of the lights outside which lit the car inside, before it was immersed in the dark, the next second lit again, and in another once again, the darkness. Yet, this did not arouse any interest in the man sitting in the back seat; he was still, looking outside without really looking at anything. The driver seemed really curious about the eccentric character, and from time to time he would glance at him through the rear-view mirror. Anyhow, it was not every day he had passengers as good-looking as this one: he was a tall man, wearing a dark trench coat over his clothes, which certainly looked expensive. He had long, black hair, falling over his face and eyes that were hidden behind dark glasses. What, what if he was really an artist? Had he not caught the taxi at the entrance of the concert stadium? Besides, who wore dark glasses on a cold night like tonight? After these brief thoughts, the driver asked one more time. “Hey, sir, do you know to where we’re going?”
The man finally seemed to wake from his trance and spoke to the driver. “Sorry, ajusshi.” After thinking for a few seconds he told him the address of his home. Not the dorms he shared with the boys, but his home, his parents’ house.
The driver then followed the route that would take them away from the city center, towards one of the quietest parts of the Korean capital. After parking in front of a comfortable two-story house, the driver was prepared to leave, but not without hesitating five seconds, as if to question the stranger about his real identity. But, hey, he decided, he was just a passenger, whoever he was; he would remain being a stranger. And more used to the idea the driver just started the car again and left.
He looked at the house, there in the darkness. The fact that his parents and older sister were traveling made him decide to come. He reached inside his bag for his ring of keys, on which he had his own copy of the key that would open the parental home. Entering through a small hallway, he left his shoes in the cabinet next to the wall and flicked the light switch, illuminating the living room. He placed his bag carefully on one of the sofas, next he took off his trench coat, hanging it on the rack. He’d repeated these movements automatically since childhood, when his mother had taught him the importance of discipline. This was one of the many characteristics inherited from his mother: discipline, organization and a huge sense of responsibility. He walked in his slippers to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water, and then filling a glass, drank its contents completely, choking afterwards. He controlled himself in a millisecond, so as to not throw the glass faraway.
After coughing hard, he obediently washed the glass, storing it in the cabinet, put the water bottle in the fridge and returned to the living room, turning off the lights on the way. He let himself fall on the sofa, lying down, slightly uncomfortable, because the furniture was rather small. He closed his eyes, rubbing his temples with both hands. He seemed to want to erase an unwanted image, which insisted on appearing in his mind. He remained in the dark, which brought him no sleep, thinking and thinking.
*****
The audience was completely captivated. The singer, no doubt, dominated. The dancers around him followed his rhythm and beat, this one person attracted all the attention, not just from fans, but from each person present at the concert. All eyes simply could not deviate, as the song reached its climax. He moved away from the other dancers and went to a certain point on the stage, taking off his jacket on the way.
From backstage, he, like all others, followed him with fascination, absorbing his every move, feeling his face burning in anticipation. A huge bed was raised on stage, and a dancer moved in front of him, the two bodies coming closer and into a frenzy, whilst in the background, mixed with the original song, the clear sound of panting breaths. The singer’s voice was heard in the distance, low, certainly hindered by the dance moves and interaction with the dancer, who in a second circled his waist with her legs. He took one of her legs and pressed his body towards the girl, the crowd, who before screamed crazed, now was silent, their mouths all open due to surprise and stupefaction. He felt the rush of his blood stronger, dominated by an urgent feeling of anger and jealousy, and before he could deny it, he felt his body react excitedly. He didn’t look away, even when the singer sank his face against the dancer’s neck, the woman’s hands gliding over his body. He should find this normal, it was not very different from other performances, but, but...
He swallowed. No, definitely, it was very different from anything they had ever done! He seemed totally committed, as if, as if he was enjoying it! Damn!
The lights started to dim, until they were completely gone. He turned his back to the stage and walked away, stomping into the dressing room. YongBae, who followed him, just looked on anxiously when he realized the long face. “I’m leaving.”
“How, you’re leaving? Where? We still didn’t perform and...” he was silenced by a gesture from the other. YongBae then quickly went where DaeSung was, pulling at his arm. “DaeSung-ah, TOP-hyung said he is leaving-” before DaeSung could ask anything YongBae pushed him forward. “Go talk to him, stop him!”
Dae could barely follow the man, who quickly left the dressing room before he got lost in the tumult that was backstage at a show in full action.
“YongBae-hyung, what happened? Wow, did you see the performance of hyung just now? I could hardly believe it! He didn’t say anything, didn’t say he was going to dance like that with Aimee-noona.” spoke the other in a mixture of entertainment and wonder.
“TOP-hyung left.” said YongBae simply.
“B-Bu- what do you mean ‘left’?” stammered the other.
“Just like that. He took his things and-he-left.”
SeungRi, with wide eyes, was finally, speechless.
*****
He awoke with a start, annoyed with the noise of the doorbell. He brought his hand to his neck feeling pain; he shouldn’t have fallen sleep on such a small couch. He looked at the watch on his wrist, clicking on the button that lit up the time, three o’clock a.m. Riiiiiiiiiing, riiiiiiiiiiiiing! The doorbell rang again. Damn! Who could it be at this hour? Maybe his parents returned from their trip? But, they wouldn’t ring the doorbell at their own home! He angrily gathered himself up and headed to the front door. The figure outside did not wait for an invitation to enter. He walked straight to the living room after getting rid of his shoes. SeungHyun felt his anger increase. He closed the door and followed the other.
“What are you doing here? How did you know I’d be here?”
The other made a gesture before answering. “Where else in the world do you run to when something happens?! God, as if I don’t know you well enough!” He replied, agitated. “And why the hell did you leave me abandoned there?! Why did you do this to me?” In the last question the boy hinted, for a fraction of a second, a tone of hurt in his complaint, but SeungHyun could not see his face in the darkness of the living room. He did not know then, whether he had imagined it or if the other had actually shown signs of pain. “How could you humiliate me like this in front of everyone?” Oh, then the only thing he cared about was his pride. This finding filled SeungHyun with rage. He took a deep breath, controlling his voice, so that it sounded as calm and cold as possible. “I left because I wanted to. Simple as that. And if you’re so concerned, why did you wait to look for me for 5 hours after your precious show?”
JiYong couldn’t believe what his ears heard, he felt himself shaking, clenching his fists, and his desire was to hit the man in front of him. “You, the only person I really wanted to be there, who should have supported me until the end, you, simply left. Ah! I still can’t believe it. If I had come right away, you can be certain that it would’ve been to hit you in the face.” He started walking around the room. The dim night light allowed SeungHyun to follow the shadows of his body in movement, astonished. Until JiYong approached the sofa and sat down heavily, ran a hand through his hair, still standing because of the hairspray. He laughed, but the sound of that laughter was full of bitterness. “You left because you just felt like it!”
SeungHyun felt a lump forming in his stomach, he stayed in the same place, his eyes fixed on JiYong. He blinked a few times, trying to analyze his own feelings, trying to learn something from the anger he had felt earlier, unfortunately, with no results. He was beginning to feel miserable. That feeling intensified when he realized that the other was crouched over, holding his face in his hands. My god, he was not crying! Was he?
Upon hearing JiYong’s repressed sobs, an invisible force pushed SeungHyun’s body forward, slowly rising from the sofa; he knelt by JiYong’s side. “Ji, I...I’m sorry.” He still didn’t know whether to regret what he had done, but he desperately wanted to stop the tears of the other. He raised his hand, hesitating to touch the man in front of him, his feelings were so confused, that he could not coordinate his own actions. Finally, he laid his hand lightly on the arm of the other, taking his wrist and trying to pull at him gently. “Ji, please, don’t cry.” The other seemed as if he was going to resist to his touch, but then did nothing, he didn’t even glance in the direction of SeungHyun. A few minutes passed, until there were no more signs of tears. SeungHyun felt his skin burn where his hand touched the arm of the other; he was undecided about what to do in front of JiYong’s inertness. He didn’t know what to say, nor did he find justification for what he had done, but now, he could clearly see his own selfishness and jealousy.
He released JiYong’s pulse, sighed heavily and collected himself. “JiYong-ah, I felt jealous.” He admitted, embarrassed. The other seemed to have awakened from his stupor and looked startled at SeungHyun. “But, what the hell...? You felt jealous?” He opened his mouth and rocked his head. “From what the hell was this moron jealous?” he spoke aloud, more to himself than to the other. He collected himself and faced the other. “Can you explain me what kind of fucking jealousy this was, that you abandoned me there, alone? Do you realize how I felt when SeungRi, fuck...when SeungRi told me you had taken off?” SeungHyun felt totally embarrassed, and could not bear to hold the gaze of the other, even in the darkness. “I felt jealous when I saw you with Aimee.” He finally confessed.
“Shit! You felt jealous of the performance???” JiYong could hardly believe what he heard. When he himself heard what he said out loud, SeungHyun immediately realized the foolishness of his feelings, of his insecurity, and worse, his selfishness. Now he saw clearly that he let himself be swept away by a miserable feeling, him, who he believed so controlled, so rational, acting in such an unforgivable way. He was stunned by this response. Shame seemed to infiltrate his whole body, he retreated a few steps, falling into a small armchair that was in the living room. Now JiYong did not seem to be the fragile being that was crying just a few minutes ago, he looked like a mythological entity, a judge, holding the sword and scales, and SeungHyun didn’t know if his heart would pass the test, in the end, did he not feel heavy with guilt for what he had done?
Life did not cease to be ironic. Now JiYong watched SeungHyun, sitting with his head bowed. No, he did not cry, but his hands were visibly trembling. How many minutes did the two stay like this? No one knew, the clock in the kitchen just ticked monotonously. The youngest then sat on the big couch; they didn’t look at each other, each a prisoner of his own thoughts. There was no safety from thoughts or feelings. It was not rare to be taken by surprise by certain feelings, foreign to one’s nature or one’s own education. The kindest people have been taken over by feelings of envy and greed, while the worst murderers have felt compassion for their victims. The interior of each human being is a complex cauldron of boiling and furious thoughts, and this magical combination is what makes humans interesting beings. So, certain thoughts must not be divided, even revealed, as it is the only way to protect oneself and to avoid hurting loved ones.
At this instant JiYong felt no more anger towards SeungHyun. In fact, he felt nothing. He had gone from sadness to anger and from this to bewilderment, now he felt exhausted. SeungHyun felt shame.
“Why did you feel jealous?” JiYong’s voice broke the long silence. In his question there was no accusation, nor anger, perhaps only a curious indifference.
SeungHyun looked at the other for a long time before answering. “I know it’s stupid and will not say that I’m sorry, when even I know it’s useless.” He swallowed hard before continuing. “I don’t know how to make you understand what I felt when I saw you there with Aimee, because I don’t even comprehend it. The thing is, well, everything we have should be kept in the darkness, I can’t say it to anyone and sometimes it’s so frustrating. I can’t touch you when I want to, we have to be on the lookout all the time and then there you are, with a woman, and everything seemed so right! Can you imagine how I felt when I myself found that true?! As if I had realized that ‘us’ is something wrong, as if somehow, I knew that what we have has no future whatsoever! I didn’t feel jealous of Aimee, but of the emotion that, that awoke...” at the last sentence his voice broke into a whisper.
JiYong felt anger at himself for understanding perfectly what the other was saying. The truth was that seeing his bandmate, always so sure of himself, now so fragile, that moved some invisible cord of his own sensibility. It was simply impossible not to be moved with the vision of that man, tall and beautiful in front of him, now reduced to broken whispers. SeungHyun never felt jealousy, he never complained of his craziness and caprices, always acted irritably perfect, to the point of annoying JiYong, and now he confessed a weakness so directly, without half-truths or justifications. How could he not break with this, hell!
The last thing SeungHyun expected was exactly what happened. Sitting, with his head down, he saw JiYong kneel in front of him, take his face in his hands and kiss him deeply.
“Why?” He asked stunned, as soon as their lips parted. “Because I love you, stupid!” Then JiYong kissed him once again, pulling him towards himself. SeungHyun let himself fall from the armchair, kneeling in front of the other, his arms lying along his body, still not daring to make any movement that was not to return the kiss. JiYong didn’t think of what he was doing, he simply obeyed the impulse. There were no words left to say, and what he needed was to touch him, with no plan in what he did, just the desire, not entirely clear, of showing SeungHyun that he understood his feelings and that these fears had no place. How could their relationship not be a sure thing? If this was the only thing that he was certain of in this world? Thinking of this distressed him so much that he wrapped his arms around the other’s body, squeezing until it hurt. Not giving into any sensual desire, he just expressed his own fears, as if in this act he could capture this moment, as if he could confirm that they belonged to each other. SeungHyun felt the urgency in JiYong’s embrace, grabbed his arms and retreated from them a little. “Hey, I love you too.” They stared at each other without seeing clearly due to the darkness. SeungHyun’s hands slid down the youngest arms until their fingers intertwined, pressing firmly on the other’s palms with his, imprinting them with their security. He was again the old SeungHyun. And felt no more fear.
Still holding hands, he tilted his head until he reached JiYong’s lips. They didn’t need to prove anything anymore. SeungHyun kept his eyes wide open, watching in the scarce visibility, JiYong still with his eyes closed was surrendering to that moment. The eldest touched the lips of the man in front of him with the tip of his tongue, just tasting, while the other waited. SeungHyun delivered small kisses around his mouth, without any sharp movements, he kissed the full length of his jaw, going up to his ear, his teeth gently capturing the earlobe, still just tasting. Slowly he began circling his tongue at the soft flesh and JiYong let a sigh escape. Without letting go of his hands, or getting closer than necessary, SeungHyun returned to his lips.
JiYong’s mouth was a desirable fruit and SeungHyun longed to taste it properly. He captured JiYong’s lower lip between his, biting, until the other cried out in pain, he then took the opportunity and slipped his tongue into his mouth, probing, each time more insistently, until their tongues met, recognizing and surrendering to the first lustful kiss of the night. Their mouths devoured each other, JiYong’s hands trembled, trying to escape, but the other would not allow it; they were going to torture themselves until it was unbearable. The youngest left the kiss - he would not be subjugated this way - and his lips flew to the neck of the other. He also liked to provoke. His body instinctively moved forward, seeking more contact, which was not allowed. Not yet. He deposited random kisses on SeungHyun’s neck, and bit and licked and sucked, completely burning in his own desire, leaving small bruises on the soft flesh of the other.
Both were panting heavily, the air entering with difficulty into their lungs, hearts out of rhythm, blood pumping vigorously. They were two young men and their bodies responded to all those provocations. “But, hell...!” SeungHyun cursed before releasing JiYong’s hands and throwing himself at the other voraciously. As if they were under the control of a common force, hands sought each other’s bodies, intruding under clothes, seeking skin, JiYong’s hands sliding across the whole length of SeungHyun’s back, squeezing, caressing, while SeungHyun’s hands at last were drawn to him hungrily. Their bodies crashed together exquisitely, with lips that recognized each other, caresses that were generously gifted. But they wanted more.
JiYong roughly pulled at SeungHyun’s shirt, taking it off over his head, and after SeungHyun’s chest was exposed to the cold air, JiYong bowed his head, depositing dazed kisses where his lips reached.
They both felt as if they had returned to the past, like the first time when they were together, when everything was so strange, so full of urgency and desire. They felt awkward again and once more felt thirst for the flesh of the other, as if the need was something greater than them. As if the need wasn’t something solid and familiar, but as if impregnated by all those feelings that drowned them at this moment; love, fear, anger, tenderness, all blended into a single violent impulse, which was to possess one another, not just physically, but completely. Ah, the human being, a fool, so greedy and so incapable of expressing its own desires, taking things violently, as if it could engrave its will. Still, though the philosophy was non-existent at that instant, the thoughts, while they were minimally comprehensible, revolved around their ancestral desires of possession, materializing in some abstract but erotic images, which only intensified the sensations they experienced at the moment.
SeungHyun helped JiYong with his clothes, laughing at his own awkwardness and confusion whilst undressing one another, but never without losing focus, never without their eyes losing the sparkle of anticipation. Despite the apparent confusion, they knew each other, knew what to do, knew where to touch, they knew what gave pleasure to the other. And the long sighs, broken words by stifled and difficult breathing, was fuel that encouraged them to continue. In the semi-darkness, the sight of their naked bodies indulging in their own pleasure was both crude and beautiful, because beauty exists in simple and absolute truths.
“Hyun...” The word escaped his lips and the two searched in the darkness until they reached the large sofa, which was not long enough to fit two aligned bodies properly, but that was not really a problem. SeungHyun covered JiYong with his own body, with no gentleness, crushing the other who didn’t complain, because certain pleasures were appreciated only when there was pain. And the pain of surrendering was so sweet and stunning as the conquest, especially when there are no more doubts remaining about feelings.
SeungHyun kissed JiYong furiously, passionately, the hands which had touched before, now prepared them to follow a more desirable path that would blind them in the end. The sounds that escaped their throats filled the room. In the distance was the noise of a siren, outside the night devoured the city, in the kitchen the clock continued its monotonous clicking. And in the living room... Ah, in the living room, two people loved each other and nothing else.
*****
Voile curtains let the clarity of the day gently illuminate the room. It wasn’t necessary to extend his arms to realize that he was alone in his single bed, but the rumpled sheets were witness that there had been someone else there. He rubbed his eyes before sitting up. When he stretched he felt pain in his back, taking his right hand instinctively where it hurt. Ah! He had scratched him there. This one thought took him back to the night before and he remembered why he was in his old bachelor’s room at his parent’s house. And the reason filled him with satisfaction and left him in a good mood.
On the small table, which balanced three action figures, he found a small folded paper. Upon reaching for the note and reading its contents he frowned. SeungHyun pushed the sheets off and walked to the bathroom. On the bed JiYong’s note lay abandoned, simply saying “We need to talk”.
To be continued...
************