(no subject)
Thanks so much to Lauren, Marissa and Heather for your nice comments on my last entry. <3 I'm doing much better now thanks to more medication, etc. and hopefully it will last.
That said, I feel like I'm wasting my last year of college. I never go out anymore, ever. At night, I mean. Sophomore year I went out all the time and did all kinds of crazy fun stuff and it was awesome. Now I'm 22 and could actually go out to clubs or bars or whatever and I NEVER DO. Nor do I even go to campus parties anymore. Most weekends I lounge around my apartment watching movies or TV, or I go home. Occasionally I'll actually go somewhere. But I never have the crazy experiences I used to. I guess I'm probably healthier and more productive this way but I miss it. I feel like I only spent one year doing crazy college stuff and now I'm just a boring adult who sits at home watching TV every night. I like being at home and being cozy and stuff. But I have the rest of my life to do that. This is the only period of my life where it's normal to go out all the time. It's the only period of my life that I'll be young and pretty. And I'm wasting it! Argh. The problem is I don't really have any friends that are the going out type. And since I'm not, I kind of need a friend who is to drag me out. Cuz what am I supposed to do, go alone? I don't know. It's just disappointing that this is the way I'm living my last year of college - exactly the same way I'll be living the next few years. It doesn't feel right. But I don't really know what to do about it because I don't hang out with the right kind of people. But I love my friends! So yeah. It seems unfixable. I was sad about it all last year, and was determined to somehow fix it this year, but I can't think of a solution. Even when I do go out, nothing will bring back the feeling of sophomore year. And I think that's what I'm really looking for. But it's gone and you can't go back in time! How sad. I feel like the best years of my life are already behind me and that's not a good feeling. I wish I could be a teenager forever. I know that sounds weird because being a teenager is supposed to suck, and in a lot of ways it did. But it was easier and I was having 8 million times more fun than I'm having now. When I think about hight school and freshman and sophomore years and some of the fun times I had, I realize that I haven't actually been that happy or felt that carefree since then.
Blech. Maybe by some miracle someone will want to do something fun tonight or tomorrow night. I just feel restless and sick to death of hanging around here doing nothing. My weekend nights look exactly the same as my weeknights, which is not right!
This stupid shallow entry makes it look like I was full of crap in my last entry and was actually okay. I wasn't, I was legitimately losing my mind. The thing is is that when the anxiety is gone, I almost forget how bad it was. I mean, I remember, but I can't access the horrible feeling it causes. Which is a good thing. But it also means I take the feeling-okay times for granted because I forget how unbearable the other times are. And when I'm feeling horribly anxious, the feeling-normal times seem like the most amazing thing in the world and I would do anything, ANYTHING to be sitting around my suite doing nothing on a Saturday night and complaining about it. Because that's 10,000 times better than feeling anxious. So in conclusion, right now I'm sad because I'm a boring old lady at the age of 22, and I can't figure out how to fix that, but I'm still millions of times better than I was the last time I wrote. The end.
That said, I feel like I'm wasting my last year of college. I never go out anymore, ever. At night, I mean. Sophomore year I went out all the time and did all kinds of crazy fun stuff and it was awesome. Now I'm 22 and could actually go out to clubs or bars or whatever and I NEVER DO. Nor do I even go to campus parties anymore. Most weekends I lounge around my apartment watching movies or TV, or I go home. Occasionally I'll actually go somewhere. But I never have the crazy experiences I used to. I guess I'm probably healthier and more productive this way but I miss it. I feel like I only spent one year doing crazy college stuff and now I'm just a boring adult who sits at home watching TV every night. I like being at home and being cozy and stuff. But I have the rest of my life to do that. This is the only period of my life where it's normal to go out all the time. It's the only period of my life that I'll be young and pretty. And I'm wasting it! Argh. The problem is I don't really have any friends that are the going out type. And since I'm not, I kind of need a friend who is to drag me out. Cuz what am I supposed to do, go alone? I don't know. It's just disappointing that this is the way I'm living my last year of college - exactly the same way I'll be living the next few years. It doesn't feel right. But I don't really know what to do about it because I don't hang out with the right kind of people. But I love my friends! So yeah. It seems unfixable. I was sad about it all last year, and was determined to somehow fix it this year, but I can't think of a solution. Even when I do go out, nothing will bring back the feeling of sophomore year. And I think that's what I'm really looking for. But it's gone and you can't go back in time! How sad. I feel like the best years of my life are already behind me and that's not a good feeling. I wish I could be a teenager forever. I know that sounds weird because being a teenager is supposed to suck, and in a lot of ways it did. But it was easier and I was having 8 million times more fun than I'm having now. When I think about hight school and freshman and sophomore years and some of the fun times I had, I realize that I haven't actually been that happy or felt that carefree since then.
Blech. Maybe by some miracle someone will want to do something fun tonight or tomorrow night. I just feel restless and sick to death of hanging around here doing nothing. My weekend nights look exactly the same as my weeknights, which is not right!
This stupid shallow entry makes it look like I was full of crap in my last entry and was actually okay. I wasn't, I was legitimately losing my mind. The thing is is that when the anxiety is gone, I almost forget how bad it was. I mean, I remember, but I can't access the horrible feeling it causes. Which is a good thing. But it also means I take the feeling-okay times for granted because I forget how unbearable the other times are. And when I'm feeling horribly anxious, the feeling-normal times seem like the most amazing thing in the world and I would do anything, ANYTHING to be sitting around my suite doing nothing on a Saturday night and complaining about it. Because that's 10,000 times better than feeling anxious. So in conclusion, right now I'm sad because I'm a boring old lady at the age of 22, and I can't figure out how to fix that, but I'm still millions of times better than I was the last time I wrote. The end.