So...
This is summer? What happened to all our lists of things to do? What happened to all our ambitions? Once again quietly forgotten? Or did I kill them all? What happened to the wild sense of freedom we thought we'd have? But most of all, what happened to us?
It seems there is no "us" any longer. All the friends you thought were yours grant you no more than a brief wave in passing. A slight acknowledgment. It's like no one even wants to talk to you unless you've got the right social aids handy for dispension. The things that ARE important shouldn't be (or at least they don't belong at the foundation of a relation) and the things that no one cares about or even thinks of are the things the real pain comes from.
You don't think about how it feels until it's happened to you and then you finally discover that it's just not worth it to play along anymore. Actually looking into someones eyes and engaging them is worth way more than the ostentatious production of gasps and sighs and hugs because this is not honest. It is fake. No one gets that excited. And then it only hurts more when you're ignored. And you will be.
This is going badly. But I'm sick of lying. I want friends who will listen to me and tell me things to listen to. I want friends that miss me as much as I miss them when we're apart. I want friends who call me just because. I want friends who don't get mad when I call just because. I want to inspire and be inspire. I want to share the good parts of myself that come with time and comfort. I want friends. I want my friends but there comes a time when you realize maybe you aren't exactly who you thought you were and they aren't either. I feel like I've managed somehow to stand through a hurricane while everything around me has been rearranged. I don't understand social politics anymore. I don't know why they're ignoring you. I don't know when a person becomes a mere number (and of course, one number too many). I miss the innocence of our friendship, the naive dependency. I miss you. A lot. But I'm sick of feeling empty all the time and I'm not sure what to do. If it's worth it, there is a way.
And that is all.
Love, Sarah.
Please come back.
It seems there is no "us" any longer. All the friends you thought were yours grant you no more than a brief wave in passing. A slight acknowledgment. It's like no one even wants to talk to you unless you've got the right social aids handy for dispension. The things that ARE important shouldn't be (or at least they don't belong at the foundation of a relation) and the things that no one cares about or even thinks of are the things the real pain comes from.
You don't think about how it feels until it's happened to you and then you finally discover that it's just not worth it to play along anymore. Actually looking into someones eyes and engaging them is worth way more than the ostentatious production of gasps and sighs and hugs because this is not honest. It is fake. No one gets that excited. And then it only hurts more when you're ignored. And you will be.
This is going badly. But I'm sick of lying. I want friends who will listen to me and tell me things to listen to. I want friends that miss me as much as I miss them when we're apart. I want friends who call me just because. I want friends who don't get mad when I call just because. I want to inspire and be inspire. I want to share the good parts of myself that come with time and comfort. I want friends. I want my friends but there comes a time when you realize maybe you aren't exactly who you thought you were and they aren't either. I feel like I've managed somehow to stand through a hurricane while everything around me has been rearranged. I don't understand social politics anymore. I don't know why they're ignoring you. I don't know when a person becomes a mere number (and of course, one number too many). I miss the innocence of our friendship, the naive dependency. I miss you. A lot. But I'm sick of feeling empty all the time and I'm not sure what to do. If it's worth it, there is a way.
And that is all.
Love, Sarah.
Please come back.