this should be called the journal about one dude
Cause it's what always bothers me. Kyle and I finally hung out again. Diner at 10:30 at night. His curfew is 12:30, or he'll be a pumpkin in the morning. Anyway. I looked like shit, I had been working all day and then drove for 2 hours round trip to a mall to help a friend out. We pulled up and he saw grahamcrackers... who i haven't seen since bits after high school and him in a little less long, but still long ago. it was weird. and i knew he was nervous cause he neeever talks to old friends anymore. he avoids them like the plague. he's embarrassed. ashamed. sad. but it went well. we all talked for like 30 minutes. then it was just kyle and i and of course, all smiles. although sometimes awkward. like when he started to mention our phone call on st. patricks day. apparently i said a lot of "silly things" that he didn't want to repeat since they are embarrassing for me? i don't know, i don't remember what i said. ugh.
as per usual, he didn't want the night to end so we drove around for awhile. it was raining so there weren't many places to go. we decided we should try carpooling to work sometime. cause we're fun driving together people with the same musical taste. we'll see if that happens. we also realized we're both going to see okkervil river in june at the troc and that i will meet his bosses since they're paying for him to go.
then it was goodbye. sitting in my car. that's when it was awkward. what do we do? do we kiss? hug? go inside? he went for a kiss, i kept it a hug instead. and it was an awkward hug. and an awkward goodbye and an awkward exit. i drove away, crying. he text me saying how good at awkward goodbyes he is. and i said i'm an expert as well.
and that's that. i haven't had sex since we last fooled around. i could have. i could have plenty but i don't want to do anything with anyone but him. and this is not normal. and i'm probably wasting my time. but after liking a guy for 8 years, and it finally turns into something, albeit, not what i fully want, how do i turn away from it. this is some of what i've always wanted. and i know this is dreamer talk and fairy tale talk and stupid little girl talk, but i could see myself growing old with him. and that's so stupid to say and i've never said it about aaaanyone i wasn't in a long term relationship with. but it's true.
ugh.
as per usual, he didn't want the night to end so we drove around for awhile. it was raining so there weren't many places to go. we decided we should try carpooling to work sometime. cause we're fun driving together people with the same musical taste. we'll see if that happens. we also realized we're both going to see okkervil river in june at the troc and that i will meet his bosses since they're paying for him to go.
then it was goodbye. sitting in my car. that's when it was awkward. what do we do? do we kiss? hug? go inside? he went for a kiss, i kept it a hug instead. and it was an awkward hug. and an awkward goodbye and an awkward exit. i drove away, crying. he text me saying how good at awkward goodbyes he is. and i said i'm an expert as well.
and that's that. i haven't had sex since we last fooled around. i could have. i could have plenty but i don't want to do anything with anyone but him. and this is not normal. and i'm probably wasting my time. but after liking a guy for 8 years, and it finally turns into something, albeit, not what i fully want, how do i turn away from it. this is some of what i've always wanted. and i know this is dreamer talk and fairy tale talk and stupid little girl talk, but i could see myself growing old with him. and that's so stupid to say and i've never said it about aaaanyone i wasn't in a long term relationship with. but it's true.
ugh.