(no subject)
http://www.livejournal.com/users/at_her_best/1973.html?nc=7
I miss her so badly.
I was fighting with Rafe about 4am...and I was up to snapping point and instead of saying what I was going to, "it's been a year" came out.
And I stopped cold and started sobbing.
I went through stages..he held me and I cried.
I wanted to slice my arm with the thumb tack in the wall.
I wanted to take a long walk, and jump off a building.
I wanted to sleep and wake up to be okay. not fine, okay.
I wanted to never have met Rafe.
I wanted to have killed myself properly the first attempt at 12.
I..I..I...my mom.
Is she awake? crying? I don't want to go in there.
I want my dad...and my brother.
I want Ryan.
Ryan makes anything better.
I think it's on dec 12th last year where he made me so happy. I was suicidal and without knowing he helped. a lot.
It's 3am there, but I think I need to call.
Or maybe die...probably sleep...
I feel like I'm being forced to run.
Lily,...you're going to have a guest soon (granted that it's okay). I have some things (not just about Gram) that I need to talk about.
I love you too..I literally close up to everyone right now, including Rafe. My mouth just clamps shut. I tried to say things to him...I moved my mouth but I couldn't talk.
I need to...or I'm going to crack.
I think I have.
or am....
I want my grandma.
a year passes so quickly.
a year ago I was drugged...about to go to chicago and have a one nighter...come home get drugged and have another one nighter...and *snap* I'm living with someone I love very much.
a year ago...it was like a dream..she was sick, going to die but I didn't let it sink in. Drugs hazed it over. I snatched her bottle of pains killers when she died.
I tried to kill myself with them...I took two and they over powered me...I passed out and I'm still fucking here.
I want to be here and I want to be anywhere but here.
Not being here would be solely for myself.
and maybe I just want to do something for myself.
and maybe I don't.
I miss her so badly.
I was fighting with Rafe about 4am...and I was up to snapping point and instead of saying what I was going to, "it's been a year" came out.
And I stopped cold and started sobbing.
I went through stages..he held me and I cried.
I wanted to slice my arm with the thumb tack in the wall.
I wanted to take a long walk, and jump off a building.
I wanted to sleep and wake up to be okay. not fine, okay.
I wanted to never have met Rafe.
I wanted to have killed myself properly the first attempt at 12.
I..I..I...my mom.
Is she awake? crying? I don't want to go in there.
I want my dad...and my brother.
I want Ryan.
Ryan makes anything better.
I think it's on dec 12th last year where he made me so happy. I was suicidal and without knowing he helped. a lot.
It's 3am there, but I think I need to call.
Or maybe die...probably sleep...
I feel like I'm being forced to run.
Lily,...you're going to have a guest soon (granted that it's okay). I have some things (not just about Gram) that I need to talk about.
I love you too..I literally close up to everyone right now, including Rafe. My mouth just clamps shut. I tried to say things to him...I moved my mouth but I couldn't talk.
I need to...or I'm going to crack.
I think I have.
or am....
I want my grandma.
a year passes so quickly.
a year ago I was drugged...about to go to chicago and have a one nighter...come home get drugged and have another one nighter...and *snap* I'm living with someone I love very much.
a year ago...it was like a dream..she was sick, going to die but I didn't let it sink in. Drugs hazed it over. I snatched her bottle of pains killers when she died.
I tried to kill myself with them...I took two and they over powered me...I passed out and I'm still fucking here.
I want to be here and I want to be anywhere but here.
Not being here would be solely for myself.
and maybe I just want to do something for myself.
and maybe I don't.