(no subject)
there are a few moments in my life that i clearly remember that made me feel inadequate as your daughter.
i know that some these circumstances were unavoidable considering the larger circumstance, but most of them were caused by the words you chose.
in fourth grade i constantly went to the nurse's office. there was just something about being able to lay down and cover up with a blanket that made me feel okay, made me get through the rest of the day without a lump in my throat. most of the time, the nurse would take my temperature and even if i didn't have a fever, she would let me call you or dad. i would usually call you first, because after all, those were the rules. i remember hearing your voice backed by moving tires and shouting men, it was monotone, and mostly apathetic because this was probably the fifth time i had called you from school in the past two weeks. you would tell me to tough it out, that i was okay, and that you needed to go. the lump in my throat grew even bigger and my eyes would swell up with tears. i hated hearing you say that. i felt ashamed i even tried to call. so after the nurse talked to you and shook her head with understanding, i would tell her that you told me to call my dad. she would let me, and he would answer. hearing his voice, i would almost cry again just because so much of me missed him. he would tell me that i was okay, just like you...but he would also tell me that he would by some sprite and crackers for after school, that the day was almost over. you both would tell me that you loved me, but when he said it, i felt it. because back then, your voice just sounded so vacant.
do you remember when we shared the same bed? most of the time i couldn't sleep until you came to bed. one particular night i had fallen asleep because dad was there. you two were talking in the living room and it gave me enough security to drift off. i woke up later and you weren't laying in bed. i went up to the loft, you weren't there. i checked ross' room. you weren't there. i started panicking. i was laying in the middle of the living room with my knees and head tucked in a ball and i was crying. i was scared. i had thought that something happened to you. my mind was racing times a million and then you walked in the front door. you told me that you had been downstairs talking to robert and that i shouldn't be upset. you couldn't understand how scared i was.
do you remember the first day that i started my period? i was in seventh grade. i got back to terry's and she showed me where the pads and tampons were. i was struggling with the tampon, so she told me to have you help me when i got home. so i told you when you got home. you were sitting on the living room floor and friend's was on. ross walked in the door when you were cheering and he asked what was going on. you told him that i got an 'a' on a math test. this entire time i felt embarrassed. i didn't know why considering i had openly talked to hannah and terry about it. but something about the situation just made me uncomfortable. you went out and bought me tampons. i was struggling to put one in, and was asking for you to help me. you said you didn't want to. so i kept trying. i was getting really frustrated and just wanted you to come in and show me. but you wouldn't, and i just thought that maybe you couldn't relate anymore since you didn't have a period anymore.
each of these situations made me feel unworthy of your time and your understanding. i know these situations seem very small now, but they did something inside of me. they made me pull away from you. i know you were constantly showering me with 'i love you' and hugs and kisses, but it was the greater part of parenting that i was missing. your actions weren't showing me that you actually cared. they were showing me that you weren't willing to step outside of your comfort zone or your realm of thought to meet my needs. instead of being a parent that i could talk to, you became a parent that i knew who wouldn't try to understand what i was saying or feeling.
i'm not mad that you weren't the best, most perfect parent in the world, i'm mad that you would never admit that maybe you messed up a little along the way.
every time that i was honest with you about what i had done, you told me that you didn't raise me like that.
this is a wake up call, mom. you did.
you are my mom.
you did raise me how i am.
you cannot shift the blame.
it's okay that i am not perfect, no one is at all.
all that matters is that i love you and that you love me too.
this is not loving me.
asking me is loving me.
understanding me is loving me.
i am tired of getting hurt when i tell you how i feel. that's why i haven't been able to.
so much of how i feel is unacceptable to you.
so i just play your game.
so what do you want now?
i know that some these circumstances were unavoidable considering the larger circumstance, but most of them were caused by the words you chose.
in fourth grade i constantly went to the nurse's office. there was just something about being able to lay down and cover up with a blanket that made me feel okay, made me get through the rest of the day without a lump in my throat. most of the time, the nurse would take my temperature and even if i didn't have a fever, she would let me call you or dad. i would usually call you first, because after all, those were the rules. i remember hearing your voice backed by moving tires and shouting men, it was monotone, and mostly apathetic because this was probably the fifth time i had called you from school in the past two weeks. you would tell me to tough it out, that i was okay, and that you needed to go. the lump in my throat grew even bigger and my eyes would swell up with tears. i hated hearing you say that. i felt ashamed i even tried to call. so after the nurse talked to you and shook her head with understanding, i would tell her that you told me to call my dad. she would let me, and he would answer. hearing his voice, i would almost cry again just because so much of me missed him. he would tell me that i was okay, just like you...but he would also tell me that he would by some sprite and crackers for after school, that the day was almost over. you both would tell me that you loved me, but when he said it, i felt it. because back then, your voice just sounded so vacant.
do you remember when we shared the same bed? most of the time i couldn't sleep until you came to bed. one particular night i had fallen asleep because dad was there. you two were talking in the living room and it gave me enough security to drift off. i woke up later and you weren't laying in bed. i went up to the loft, you weren't there. i checked ross' room. you weren't there. i started panicking. i was laying in the middle of the living room with my knees and head tucked in a ball and i was crying. i was scared. i had thought that something happened to you. my mind was racing times a million and then you walked in the front door. you told me that you had been downstairs talking to robert and that i shouldn't be upset. you couldn't understand how scared i was.
do you remember the first day that i started my period? i was in seventh grade. i got back to terry's and she showed me where the pads and tampons were. i was struggling with the tampon, so she told me to have you help me when i got home. so i told you when you got home. you were sitting on the living room floor and friend's was on. ross walked in the door when you were cheering and he asked what was going on. you told him that i got an 'a' on a math test. this entire time i felt embarrassed. i didn't know why considering i had openly talked to hannah and terry about it. but something about the situation just made me uncomfortable. you went out and bought me tampons. i was struggling to put one in, and was asking for you to help me. you said you didn't want to. so i kept trying. i was getting really frustrated and just wanted you to come in and show me. but you wouldn't, and i just thought that maybe you couldn't relate anymore since you didn't have a period anymore.
each of these situations made me feel unworthy of your time and your understanding. i know these situations seem very small now, but they did something inside of me. they made me pull away from you. i know you were constantly showering me with 'i love you' and hugs and kisses, but it was the greater part of parenting that i was missing. your actions weren't showing me that you actually cared. they were showing me that you weren't willing to step outside of your comfort zone or your realm of thought to meet my needs. instead of being a parent that i could talk to, you became a parent that i knew who wouldn't try to understand what i was saying or feeling.
i'm not mad that you weren't the best, most perfect parent in the world, i'm mad that you would never admit that maybe you messed up a little along the way.
every time that i was honest with you about what i had done, you told me that you didn't raise me like that.
this is a wake up call, mom. you did.
you are my mom.
you did raise me how i am.
you cannot shift the blame.
it's okay that i am not perfect, no one is at all.
all that matters is that i love you and that you love me too.
this is not loving me.
asking me is loving me.
understanding me is loving me.
i am tired of getting hurt when i tell you how i feel. that's why i haven't been able to.
so much of how i feel is unacceptable to you.
so i just play your game.
so what do you want now?