For Me, You'll Always Be 18 - Epilogue
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EPILOGUE: The Fallout
"Jongin, wait…” Kyungsoo feels his voice give out. He swallows hard as he watches the beloved boy from his childhood drop everything and leave. It’s frighteningly similar to how they last parted ways… only he’s the one rooted to the spot this time and Jongin’s the one walking - no, running - away.
But Kyungsoo’s still the one with a broken heart in his hands.
“Jagi? You okay?” Hongbin pets his back and looks between him and the rapidly vanishing man exiting the store. Kyungsoo takes a shaky breath.
“That was him.”
“Who?”
“That was Jongin.”
“Jong-- Kim Jongin? That was the guy??” Hongbin turns Kyungsoo by the shoulders to look at him, and the elder reluctantly stares up with tear-filled eyes. He nods. Hongbin sets his jaw and grabs Kyungsoo’s hand, tugging him forward. “Go. Go! You can still catch him,” he says urgently, gently pushing Kyungsoo’s shoulders from behind now.
The shorter man resists, digging the soles of his shoes into the linoleum floor. “Catch him and tell him what? Things he clearly doesn’t want to hear?”
“You can’t know that. Besides, it’s not just about him.”
“I’m not going to force him to deal with my hang-ups with forever ago.”
“Soo, I know it’s been a long time and you’re scared, but you need to talk to him. For closure. For you,” Hongbin implores with a tender stroke of his cheek.
Stubbornly, Kyungsoo shakes his head. “You don’t understand. It was going so well: he recognized me right away, and we were catching up just fine.” Jongin’s shy smiles from mere minutes before replay in his mind, and he aches. “But didn’t you see? He couldn’t wait to get away from me the moment he-” Kyungsoo’s throat clogs for a second, “... the moment he was reminded I’m gay. One second, everything’s good, he was even friendly to YooA, but once he saw you…” he drops his gaze along with the end of his sentence, biting his lip as a tear finally leaks out and trails down his cheek. It shouldn’t hurt this much. It shouldn’t feel as bad as it did a decade ago.
But somehow it’s worse. More personal.
Jongin at 17 had never met someone who was gay before. He was young, naïve, caught off-guard. Jongin at 27 and living in NYC, though, had to have encountered other non-straight people and been able to function around them. But not around Kyungsoo… he couldn’t even pretend for a minute that he was unbothered. A sense of betrayal sits heavy in his chest, but he knows it's really his fault.
His self-loathing as a young, small town boy returns in an instant, transporting him back to that fateful night 10 years prior. ‘Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. Why’d you ever delude yourself that he might…’ Kyungsoo sees himself on his knees at the creek in a rumpled tuxedo, throwing pebble after pebble into the water and watching them sink like all his hopes. Alone in the moonlight, he said goodbye to every fond memory he’d made with Jongin. ‘When you tried to bake me a cake and ruined the oven.’ Plop. ‘The time we waited up for the meteor shower and you fell asleep on my shoulder.’ Plop. 'When I trashed my bike and you had me ride on the front of yours, fingers laced overtop of mine on the handlebars as you pedaled us home.' Plop. He had stayed there all night, til the sun peeked up over the horizon and there were no more stones left on the bank.
“Hey. Come here,” Hongbin pulls him out of his memories and into a tight embrace, kissing his temple. “I love you,” he reminds the elder, and Kyungsoo sighs, sinking into the comfort of his husband.
“Papa? You okay?”
YooA’s innocent voice behind them prompts Kyungsoo to pull himself together. He’s got a great life with a loving spouse and beautiful daughter who depend on him. He focuses on taking a few steadying breaths before turning to his precious little girl with a brave face. “I’m…” the word ‘okay’ doesn’t make it out as planned. He clamps his hand over his mouth to suppress the sob bubbling up in its place.
“Daddy, what’s wrong with Papa? Is he hurt?” Worry fills her round eyes as she rubs Kyungsoo’s leg comfortingly.
“He’s going to be fine, sugar. Let’s give him a minute, that’s all. Hey,” Hongbin leans down conspiratorially to the girl. “Can you help me find the oatmeal? Arrrrgh, I’m on a treasure hunt for the best breakfast of these here seven seas, and I need you to be my first mate while I steer our pirate ship,” he says animatedly gesturing toward their shopping cart. YooA giggles and holds up her hands to create an imaginary spyglass. As they ride off to the next aisle, Kyungsoo gives his husband a grateful uptick of his lips. Not quite a proper smile, but the best he can muster right now. Hongbin winks and keeps up the pretend play with their daughter.
Kyungsoo feels like a childish excuse for a man. Here he is, with a wonderful guy to call his own, who’s patient and caring and a great parent to their adopted baby girl… and he’s still feeling emotionally ruined by a 10 minute brush with a guy from his past. Granted, it’s not just anyone, which is why Hongbin is being so understanding about it. He was privy to all the pain and fear that Kyungsoo’d had over starting another relationship, of getting close to anyone, even as friends, all through college. Hongbin never pushed too hard, but also never quit, spending 4 straight years slowly chipping away at the walls he’d put up.
Kyungsoo had been deeply scarred from losing Jongin. The tanned boy had been his everything - his best friend, his closest confidant, his years long crush. All gone in a moment of poor decision-making on Kyungsoo’s part, when he’d forced Jongin to give him his first kiss. God, he still needs to apologize for that, even if Jongin can’t forgive him. Oh how he wishes he could turn back the hands of time. If only he’d broken the news differently. Just came out, but kept secret his feelings for the gorgeous dancer with the soft heart. Maybe he’d have been able to keep some small part of Jongin in his life. He could have been satisfied with that much… would jump at the chance now to have just a sliver of that companionship they once shared.
‘Let it go,’ he commands internally. ‘You don’t even know him anymore.’ That feels like a convenient lie, given how natural it felt reconnecting with the boy. He sighs and looks once more at the space where Jongin had stood, golden skin and soulful eyes just as he'd always remembered them. Before leaving the aisle to find his family, Kyungsoo wanders over to the shelf where Jongin had left his items, picking them up to inspect them. Boxed mac & cheese. Bachelor food. He frowns. Jongin must not have anyone to cook for him. The boy always was hapless in the kitchen. ‘I hope he’s eating well.' The urge to care for the younger returns before Kyungsoo can stop it. 'I could make him some-’ He cuts off the train thought. No, no he can’t make Jongin meals. Jongin’s not part of his life, not now.
But maybe…
Kyungsoo whips out his phone and taps it against his chin repeatedly, deliberating. Hastily, he swipes the screen and enters the lockcode. It’s 6:12pm, so to be on the safe side, he estimates it must have been about 5:45. He pulls up his calendar and creates an entry for a week from today:
Event Name: For Second Chances
Time: Next Monday, 5:45pm
Location: Queen’s Trade Fair Supermarket, Boxed Meals aisle
Kyungsoo quickly hits ‘Confirm’ before he can think too hard about it, but a secondary screen prompts him: “Repeat this entry?” His finger hovers for a few seconds before pressing “Yes, every week for 1 month.” Reminders set, he exhales a sigh.
He shouldn’t care. Not this much, anyway. But the heart never really forgets its first true love…
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Every Monday for the next 3 months, Kyungsoo stands next to the pasta boxes and waits for half an hour. Jongin never shows.
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A/N:
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Just to clarify, Kyungsoo didn’t force himself on Jongin. (It was a consensual kiss - see Nini’s POV ch. He sees it coming and accepts it, just is the one to end it). But Kyungsoo doesn’t remember it accurately because of his own struggles he was working through at the time, so he blames himself for this and driving Jongin away.
Some commenters in the fest were convinced "at least Soo had a happy ending." Whelp. Not quite. So I had to write this epilogue to dispell the notion that Soo's just galavanting off into the sunset. In my world, Kaisoo can't feel totally complete without each other #sorrynotsorry. Also - if you've listened to the Lady Antebellum song, you know that it's a duet. They're BOTH singing the chorus together - so Kaisoo had to both be wistful about this, not just Nini. /tries to blame angst on the song... even tho the song's got a happier feel to it/
Big thanks to ksootrash1301 for beta-ing this epilogue! She's been living with this fic since it was published in the NHE fest, and she encouraged me to keep those last 2 sentences when I was doubting myself. Sorry if you thought this Epilogue would cushion the blow of the previous ch. Go big or go home when it comes to angst. I love you, readers; talk cry with me in the comments.
At1stsight / at1stsoo
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