open letter
dear 2009,
as we grow older, we say less.
maybe it's just me and i'm open to corrections but i feel as though with time, we lose our timing. i always wait for a more appropriate moment, a better moment - and let ripe words burst with no intention of restoring what is lost. there are widening gaps in both written self-reflection and earnest communication with others. i chalk it up to a hectic schedule but i wonder if it's rather that respectively, a) i subconsciously value it less and b) i am slowly losing the ability to speak completely candidly that can only come with guilelessness.
these days, i frequently ask myself: what if i thought less?
haha - in the least, i suppose my bed wouldn't miss me as much. that's my first new year's resolution, you know, to not analyze as much. to breathe. in the larger sense, take it easy on myself. i am a perfectionist to the core, in all aspects of life, and it's inevitably exhausting. i've consistently expected a lot of myself and while i pride myself in the zeal with which i approach life, i think the doctor warning me to slow down probably means i overdo things sometimes.
it affects my relationships with other people, as well. because i'm such a black and white girl - a hundred percent either way - i easily get frustrated towards people who don't invest their all in whatever they are pursuing or involved in. especially when it comes to people that i care about, i can't stand to see any talent wasted or reasonable dreams unfulfilled. despite my callous demeanor, i'm their head cheerleader and because i am acutely aware their brilliance, i want them to make the effort in the least.
know your limit but also - as i constantly have to remind myself - don't be afraid of loss. i mean, why talk about backpacking through Asia with 800 bucks if you could actually do it? why are you a Pre-Med when all you can talk about is being the next Burroughs and Vonnegut? the things we pursue for money, for stability - if the initial interest isn't there, how do you suppose you'll acquire that secondary success?
i figure we have one shot at this and one only. and that just means we owe it to ourselves to be our best versions, in our own eyes.
but the point is, i'm as hard on others as i am on myself. i don't want to say i feel badly about it because it's honestly out of love but i need to realize that not everyone looks in the same direction as i do. i've been too driven and expectant, and i think it's about time i comprehended that we all have personal definitions of happiness, of fulfillment. i suppose the only way i can do that is to forgive myself, first, for my numerous shortcomings. this year, i want to be less pragmatic. i want to love myself more, reconnect fully with the girl who used to be called the eternal child and let that ease spill over to how i connect with others.
i have smaller yet possibly more difficult goals. #2: eat less desserts. my diet largely consists of my eating "a small rainforest a day" and sweets. seriously, cupcakes, crème brûlée, cheesecake - i don't discriminate. scary, i know. #3: drink less. #4: pick up my camera again. #5: indulge in less retail therapy (especially when it comes to shoes). like i said, these are in my 'reach' category so keep your fingers crossed for me.
overall, i have a good feeling about this year. i've never been the one to fuss over the year change on my calendar but this year is the first in awhile that i am starting off with such an unquestionable peace. big sigh of relief. despite everything that could make me feel otherwise (i.e. family drama), i'm comfortable where i am. and the only thing i can ultimately hope for this year is that i'm lucky enough to remain so.
as always, life is something that i am working on. for those who make each day what it is, including my dysfunctional yet charming family and the crazy bitches i call friends - i love you. this will be our year, i know it.
love,
A.
as we grow older, we say less.
maybe it's just me and i'm open to corrections but i feel as though with time, we lose our timing. i always wait for a more appropriate moment, a better moment - and let ripe words burst with no intention of restoring what is lost. there are widening gaps in both written self-reflection and earnest communication with others. i chalk it up to a hectic schedule but i wonder if it's rather that respectively, a) i subconsciously value it less and b) i am slowly losing the ability to speak completely candidly that can only come with guilelessness.
these days, i frequently ask myself: what if i thought less?
haha - in the least, i suppose my bed wouldn't miss me as much. that's my first new year's resolution, you know, to not analyze as much. to breathe. in the larger sense, take it easy on myself. i am a perfectionist to the core, in all aspects of life, and it's inevitably exhausting. i've consistently expected a lot of myself and while i pride myself in the zeal with which i approach life, i think the doctor warning me to slow down probably means i overdo things sometimes.
it affects my relationships with other people, as well. because i'm such a black and white girl - a hundred percent either way - i easily get frustrated towards people who don't invest their all in whatever they are pursuing or involved in. especially when it comes to people that i care about, i can't stand to see any talent wasted or reasonable dreams unfulfilled. despite my callous demeanor, i'm their head cheerleader and because i am acutely aware their brilliance, i want them to make the effort in the least.
know your limit but also - as i constantly have to remind myself - don't be afraid of loss. i mean, why talk about backpacking through Asia with 800 bucks if you could actually do it? why are you a Pre-Med when all you can talk about is being the next Burroughs and Vonnegut? the things we pursue for money, for stability - if the initial interest isn't there, how do you suppose you'll acquire that secondary success?
i figure we have one shot at this and one only. and that just means we owe it to ourselves to be our best versions, in our own eyes.
but the point is, i'm as hard on others as i am on myself. i don't want to say i feel badly about it because it's honestly out of love but i need to realize that not everyone looks in the same direction as i do. i've been too driven and expectant, and i think it's about time i comprehended that we all have personal definitions of happiness, of fulfillment. i suppose the only way i can do that is to forgive myself, first, for my numerous shortcomings. this year, i want to be less pragmatic. i want to love myself more, reconnect fully with the girl who used to be called the eternal child and let that ease spill over to how i connect with others.
i have smaller yet possibly more difficult goals. #2: eat less desserts. my diet largely consists of my eating "a small rainforest a day" and sweets. seriously, cupcakes, crème brûlée, cheesecake - i don't discriminate. scary, i know. #3: drink less. #4: pick up my camera again. #5: indulge in less retail therapy (especially when it comes to shoes). like i said, these are in my 'reach' category so keep your fingers crossed for me.
overall, i have a good feeling about this year. i've never been the one to fuss over the year change on my calendar but this year is the first in awhile that i am starting off with such an unquestionable peace. big sigh of relief. despite everything that could make me feel otherwise (i.e. family drama), i'm comfortable where i am. and the only thing i can ultimately hope for this year is that i'm lucky enough to remain so.
as always, life is something that i am working on. for those who make each day what it is, including my dysfunctional yet charming family and the crazy bitches i call friends - i love you. this will be our year, i know it.
love,
A.