"Beginning" - Oneshot
Title: Beginning
Author: Effy (asutex)
Rating: R
Warnings: Lesbianism, swearing, alcohol and drug consumption, and very vague allusions to sex.
Disclaimer: If I owned Skins, trust me, you would know. There would be so much lesbianism that Glee wouldn't even hold a candle to the amount of gay it contained. Sadly, I do not own Skins. I just have a cat. The literal kind, not a dirty metaphor, you horndog.
A/N: Posted this on FF.Net and then decided to create a livejournal to post to as well because, well, the livejournal community just seems... connected? Something like that. I have no beta, so all mistakes - grammatical and spelling - are my own.
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Cook's out there, just across the road.
I see his hands flipping through something and he's just on his knees. It's like he can't find the will to get back to his feet again. His shoulders are slumped, defeated, shaking as he breathes. I know what that feels like. God, do I know. To be so overwhelmed with emotion and sadness that you can't bring yourself to just get up again. Sometimes, it's too much when you're repeatedly knocked down. There comes a time when you have to question if there's even a point to standing again. I don't blame him. The girl he loves is mental and his best mate has legged it off somewhere. I feel like I'm intruding on a deeply vulnerable, personal moment as I watch him through the slates of the blinds. I don't have much of an alternative to look anywhere else though. It's either watch Cook or look over and have to see Mandy's impatient, longing gazes and Naomi's drug and alcohol induced stumbling.
Mandy's leaving finally and I slowly let out a breath that I hadn't even known I was holding in. I hear Naomi stop her though. It catches my attention and I just watch. Just watch without words as they interact. I watch the girl who wants me and the girl who seems has fought to keep me and I just burn inside. I know that I'm using Mandy. I have always known that I'm using Mandy just to get my bitter revenge. I don't think she has realised it. The poor girl has been going along with me under the impression that she has a chance. There was a point at which I even thought she did.
I'm not sure what I was thinking when I brought Mandy into my life. It happened. I'd been nursing a bottle of vodka for the better part of two hours and it was half-way empty. Funny, it had been full when I started. I remember just staring down at it blearily, my throat scorched and heart still aching so badly with every pulse that I just wanted it to stop. I was drunk, Mandy tried it on with me and we snogged. I felt dirty. I feel dirty every time we touch or kiss. I don't know why I've kept it going this long. Maybe I want to get caught. I want her to hurt like I have and I hate myself for it.
We all know why we have treated Naomi's cheating differently than everyone else's infidelities and twisted relationships. Pandora cheated on Tommo, Tommo cheated on Pandora, Freddie cheated on Katie, Effy fucked Cook (physically and mentally) and then dropped him for Freddie, and I'm sure there are some others that I'm forgetting. No, Naomi's has been treated as a worse sin than any of theirs were and we all know why. I was right when I told her that we were special on the rooftop, you see. I was fucking right about that and everybody knows it even if no one says it. Naomi's cheating is the worst crime committed in our circle of mates and there's a simple reason why: we had a future. Naomi and I had a relationship that was more sincere, more special, more committed, more honest than any of the others had. We had a future together, a real future, and that is why her affair is the worst of them all. Now, I'm no better.
They're dancing together, Naomi and Mandy. All I can do is sit and watch that fucked up smile and hear that fucked up laugh as Naomi sways and bounces. I miss her genuine smiles. I miss her genuine laughs. I miss mine too. It's been a long time since I smiled and meant it; since I laughed and meant it; since I heard her say 'I love you' and believed it. Mandy looks back at me pointedly as rocks her hips and pulls my girlfriend closer to her. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but my eyes fall to where their pelvises are almost touching and I watch.
Naomi looks down when Mandy pulls their bodies almost flush against each other. I can see the confusion on her face as she stares and exhales a stream of smoke. I can almost hear the cogs struggling to work through the haze in her head. Her gaze turns to Mandy for a long moment, platinum blonde hair swinging in front of her face so that I can't see her expression. Her cerulean irises flicker over to meet my brown and she seems to have given up on the train of thought for the moment because she throws her arms up and just whoops and smiles at me. Naomi's not going to think that Mandy is straight for much longer, that's for sure.
"You dance pretty good... for a straight girl." Naomi's struggling to put words together as she brushes the back of her hand down Mandy's front. I don't like that she's doing that, but at least she's not pressed up against Mandy anymore. I hear a somewhat mocking laugh but my girlfriend doesn't seem to catch it. I want to hit her for laughing at Naomi like that; for toying with her so obviously. My stomach knots uncomfortably as I watch her face.
"Yeah. We... We had problems. Me and Emsy." My breath catches in my throat and I stare at her in disbelief. What is she doing? Why is she talking about this? My fingers curl into fists tightly and I know that I'm punishing myself now as I dig crescents into the palm of my hands. I'm punishing myself for pushing Naomi to become... this. This person. I'm punishing myself because, as heartbroken and angry as I am, I never wanted her to become me.
"'Cos.... 'cos I was... I was bad, and..." Fucking seriously, Naomi? My throat tightens now and my heart pounds and screams and burns. It could burn a hole right through my chest. I find myself growing angrier with her now. I'm angry at her. I'm angry at me. Fuck. Fucking fuck. Just really, fuck. Why is she doing this?
"That right, Ems?" I have to look away. I blink rapidly, feeling the burn rise from my heart to prick the corners of my eyes.
"See? I'm forgiven." I hear the emptiness in her voice. That voice which had once been so full of love and laughter and life is devoid of everything good. It's the sound of pain and bitterness. The burning is more intense now. It taunts me.
"It's just been Heaven these last months. Fucking Heaven." Bitterness makes her voice tremble. I can't stop the flames licking at my eyes. I'm on my feet and pushing by Naomi to get out, just get out. I need to get out of the room. Whatever words she calls after me are indistinguishable.
I fumble with the lock on the bedroom door, not bothering with the lights as I fall onto the bed. I sit there, feeling the heat rushing from my body in the form of tears that I can't stop. They burn. Everything burns. My chest burns like the sun right where my heart should be and I clutch at it. I just want the hurting to stop. I want my imagination to stop torturing me with images of my Naomi on top of Sophia, in her, holding her in the throes of orgasm. I just want the pain to stop.
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I feel Naomi's eyes on me when I wake up. My back is to her, but I can feel them watching; examining. The atmosphere is tense though, and when I roll over to face her I can tell that she knows. The knowledge is written all over her face and hanging in the air that separates us. It's a rift that makes the inches between our bodies seem like kilometres. The blue eyes look dark as they bore into mine.
"I love you." I say the words. It's the first time I've said them in months. I say the words and I mean them because I do love her. I have always loved her and that's why her affair has been so hard to cope with.
"Don't lie." Her tone is unreadable when she speaks. The stony, coldly thoughtful expression on her face never once flickers. Now the atmosphere is glacial. I watch her rise from the bed and pull a shirt on to cover her naked torso. She stops with her hand on the doorknob and never once looks my way. There's a pause and then she speaks, "My mum's coming back next week. Maybe you should go."
The door is pulled shut behind her and I just stare at the place where she had been. She had spoken so calmly. No emotional connection. It was like she had just talked to an acquaintance in passing. I stop propping myself up on my elbow and fall flat with my arm pressed into the pillow, blankly staring at the wall. Loud music bellows from downstairs.
I've just been kicked out of the house.
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There's no more burning pain.
I kiss her like she's the oxygen I need to live.
I kiss her because there's no doubt in my mind that she loves me. Every wrong of the last few months is forgiven, even if it isn't forgotten.
When I laugh, it's genuine; when I smile, it's sincere; when I hold her, I never want to let go; when I say, "I love you" there's no question that it is truth. When she laughs, it's the most beautiful sound that I have ever heard; when she smiles, she lights up my universe; when she holds me, I would do anything to keep living that moment on repeat; when she says, "I love you", I am certain of our future together.
Her arm is looped around my shoulders, possessively holding me against her where we sit on the sofa in Freddie's shed. I meet Katie's eyes briefly and I know that she will have words with Naomi later but she shrugs and can't stop the smile on her face. She wants me to be happy and loved; that's all she has ever wanted for me. A drink is pushed into my hand and I gulp it down with a grimace and a laugh. When I turn to look I meet those adoring blue eyes. She pulls me to her and we're kissing. She holds me there securely as though frightened that I might break away but I don't fight. I don't want to fight it, I love it here with our lips pressed together and tongues teasing each other. Naomi relaxes her grip just enough to allow an inch or two between our faces and she grins. God, she's gorgeous. I nestle my head into her neck and nibble at the soft skin there as she holds me.
My mum will have to face the fact that Naomi isn't going anywhere. We're going to have it all, you'll see. I can imagine sometime in the future, I can imagine our lives together. Our gap year, university, living together. I like to imagine what might come after that. A pet, our first house, jobs, marriage, kids. I don't know for certain, but I know that I'll have Naomi and, really, that's what matters most. We're going to Goa in a fortnight.
Goa's just the beginning.
Author: Effy (asutex)
Rating: R
Warnings: Lesbianism, swearing, alcohol and drug consumption, and very vague allusions to sex.
Disclaimer: If I owned Skins, trust me, you would know. There would be so much lesbianism that Glee wouldn't even hold a candle to the amount of gay it contained. Sadly, I do not own Skins. I just have a cat. The literal kind, not a dirty metaphor, you horndog.
A/N: Posted this on FF.Net and then decided to create a livejournal to post to as well because, well, the livejournal community just seems... connected? Something like that. I have no beta, so all mistakes - grammatical and spelling - are my own.
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Cook's out there, just across the road.
I see his hands flipping through something and he's just on his knees. It's like he can't find the will to get back to his feet again. His shoulders are slumped, defeated, shaking as he breathes. I know what that feels like. God, do I know. To be so overwhelmed with emotion and sadness that you can't bring yourself to just get up again. Sometimes, it's too much when you're repeatedly knocked down. There comes a time when you have to question if there's even a point to standing again. I don't blame him. The girl he loves is mental and his best mate has legged it off somewhere. I feel like I'm intruding on a deeply vulnerable, personal moment as I watch him through the slates of the blinds. I don't have much of an alternative to look anywhere else though. It's either watch Cook or look over and have to see Mandy's impatient, longing gazes and Naomi's drug and alcohol induced stumbling.
Mandy's leaving finally and I slowly let out a breath that I hadn't even known I was holding in. I hear Naomi stop her though. It catches my attention and I just watch. Just watch without words as they interact. I watch the girl who wants me and the girl who seems has fought to keep me and I just burn inside. I know that I'm using Mandy. I have always known that I'm using Mandy just to get my bitter revenge. I don't think she has realised it. The poor girl has been going along with me under the impression that she has a chance. There was a point at which I even thought she did.
I'm not sure what I was thinking when I brought Mandy into my life. It happened. I'd been nursing a bottle of vodka for the better part of two hours and it was half-way empty. Funny, it had been full when I started. I remember just staring down at it blearily, my throat scorched and heart still aching so badly with every pulse that I just wanted it to stop. I was drunk, Mandy tried it on with me and we snogged. I felt dirty. I feel dirty every time we touch or kiss. I don't know why I've kept it going this long. Maybe I want to get caught. I want her to hurt like I have and I hate myself for it.
We all know why we have treated Naomi's cheating differently than everyone else's infidelities and twisted relationships. Pandora cheated on Tommo, Tommo cheated on Pandora, Freddie cheated on Katie, Effy fucked Cook (physically and mentally) and then dropped him for Freddie, and I'm sure there are some others that I'm forgetting. No, Naomi's has been treated as a worse sin than any of theirs were and we all know why. I was right when I told her that we were special on the rooftop, you see. I was fucking right about that and everybody knows it even if no one says it. Naomi's cheating is the worst crime committed in our circle of mates and there's a simple reason why: we had a future. Naomi and I had a relationship that was more sincere, more special, more committed, more honest than any of the others had. We had a future together, a real future, and that is why her affair is the worst of them all. Now, I'm no better.
They're dancing together, Naomi and Mandy. All I can do is sit and watch that fucked up smile and hear that fucked up laugh as Naomi sways and bounces. I miss her genuine smiles. I miss her genuine laughs. I miss mine too. It's been a long time since I smiled and meant it; since I laughed and meant it; since I heard her say 'I love you' and believed it. Mandy looks back at me pointedly as rocks her hips and pulls my girlfriend closer to her. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but my eyes fall to where their pelvises are almost touching and I watch.
Naomi looks down when Mandy pulls their bodies almost flush against each other. I can see the confusion on her face as she stares and exhales a stream of smoke. I can almost hear the cogs struggling to work through the haze in her head. Her gaze turns to Mandy for a long moment, platinum blonde hair swinging in front of her face so that I can't see her expression. Her cerulean irises flicker over to meet my brown and she seems to have given up on the train of thought for the moment because she throws her arms up and just whoops and smiles at me. Naomi's not going to think that Mandy is straight for much longer, that's for sure.
"You dance pretty good... for a straight girl." Naomi's struggling to put words together as she brushes the back of her hand down Mandy's front. I don't like that she's doing that, but at least she's not pressed up against Mandy anymore. I hear a somewhat mocking laugh but my girlfriend doesn't seem to catch it. I want to hit her for laughing at Naomi like that; for toying with her so obviously. My stomach knots uncomfortably as I watch her face.
"Yeah. We... We had problems. Me and Emsy." My breath catches in my throat and I stare at her in disbelief. What is she doing? Why is she talking about this? My fingers curl into fists tightly and I know that I'm punishing myself now as I dig crescents into the palm of my hands. I'm punishing myself for pushing Naomi to become... this. This person. I'm punishing myself because, as heartbroken and angry as I am, I never wanted her to become me.
"'Cos.... 'cos I was... I was bad, and..." Fucking seriously, Naomi? My throat tightens now and my heart pounds and screams and burns. It could burn a hole right through my chest. I find myself growing angrier with her now. I'm angry at her. I'm angry at me. Fuck. Fucking fuck. Just really, fuck. Why is she doing this?
"That right, Ems?" I have to look away. I blink rapidly, feeling the burn rise from my heart to prick the corners of my eyes.
"See? I'm forgiven." I hear the emptiness in her voice. That voice which had once been so full of love and laughter and life is devoid of everything good. It's the sound of pain and bitterness. The burning is more intense now. It taunts me.
"It's just been Heaven these last months. Fucking Heaven." Bitterness makes her voice tremble. I can't stop the flames licking at my eyes. I'm on my feet and pushing by Naomi to get out, just get out. I need to get out of the room. Whatever words she calls after me are indistinguishable.
I fumble with the lock on the bedroom door, not bothering with the lights as I fall onto the bed. I sit there, feeling the heat rushing from my body in the form of tears that I can't stop. They burn. Everything burns. My chest burns like the sun right where my heart should be and I clutch at it. I just want the hurting to stop. I want my imagination to stop torturing me with images of my Naomi on top of Sophia, in her, holding her in the throes of orgasm. I just want the pain to stop.
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I feel Naomi's eyes on me when I wake up. My back is to her, but I can feel them watching; examining. The atmosphere is tense though, and when I roll over to face her I can tell that she knows. The knowledge is written all over her face and hanging in the air that separates us. It's a rift that makes the inches between our bodies seem like kilometres. The blue eyes look dark as they bore into mine.
"I love you." I say the words. It's the first time I've said them in months. I say the words and I mean them because I do love her. I have always loved her and that's why her affair has been so hard to cope with.
"Don't lie." Her tone is unreadable when she speaks. The stony, coldly thoughtful expression on her face never once flickers. Now the atmosphere is glacial. I watch her rise from the bed and pull a shirt on to cover her naked torso. She stops with her hand on the doorknob and never once looks my way. There's a pause and then she speaks, "My mum's coming back next week. Maybe you should go."
The door is pulled shut behind her and I just stare at the place where she had been. She had spoken so calmly. No emotional connection. It was like she had just talked to an acquaintance in passing. I stop propping myself up on my elbow and fall flat with my arm pressed into the pillow, blankly staring at the wall. Loud music bellows from downstairs.
I've just been kicked out of the house.
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There's no more burning pain.
I kiss her like she's the oxygen I need to live.
I kiss her because there's no doubt in my mind that she loves me. Every wrong of the last few months is forgiven, even if it isn't forgotten.
When I laugh, it's genuine; when I smile, it's sincere; when I hold her, I never want to let go; when I say, "I love you" there's no question that it is truth. When she laughs, it's the most beautiful sound that I have ever heard; when she smiles, she lights up my universe; when she holds me, I would do anything to keep living that moment on repeat; when she says, "I love you", I am certain of our future together.
Her arm is looped around my shoulders, possessively holding me against her where we sit on the sofa in Freddie's shed. I meet Katie's eyes briefly and I know that she will have words with Naomi later but she shrugs and can't stop the smile on her face. She wants me to be happy and loved; that's all she has ever wanted for me. A drink is pushed into my hand and I gulp it down with a grimace and a laugh. When I turn to look I meet those adoring blue eyes. She pulls me to her and we're kissing. She holds me there securely as though frightened that I might break away but I don't fight. I don't want to fight it, I love it here with our lips pressed together and tongues teasing each other. Naomi relaxes her grip just enough to allow an inch or two between our faces and she grins. God, she's gorgeous. I nestle my head into her neck and nibble at the soft skin there as she holds me.
My mum will have to face the fact that Naomi isn't going anywhere. We're going to have it all, you'll see. I can imagine sometime in the future, I can imagine our lives together. Our gap year, university, living together. I like to imagine what might come after that. A pet, our first house, jobs, marriage, kids. I don't know for certain, but I know that I'll have Naomi and, really, that's what matters most. We're going to Goa in a fortnight.
Goa's just the beginning.