nobody dances anymore.
life is so stagnant.
its hard to deal with, especially without the daily hustle to get accomplished. i was talking the other day with someone i used to make it happen with about how many hours a week that are consumed just trying to get right.. and its amazing to discover that it isn't just the drug you're addicted to - its the life revolving around it.
a typical day with a strong heroin habit and an empty pocket would go as such:
- wake up and scrape empty bags.
- if you have full bags, do them.
- if you have money, count it and spend it.
- if you have a check, cash it and spend it.
- make phone calls to see who is doing what, who has what money/means to get money, and who has other obstacles to overcome, such as work, obligations with family/non-junkies, etc. this is an important step - the more money you spend at once, the better deals you get. plus, the more fiends involved, the more likely the math will end up benefitting you.
- make phone calls to people asking for loans.
- make phone calls to drug dealers asking for credit.
if it works out at this point, then great - its one more phone call, a drive to non-descript parking lot a, a ten to thirty minute wait, and windows down for a sing along ride home. and 3 days out of 7, it does. you have five friends that want two ten dollar bags a piece, you end up with four free ones. the math varies, but a lot of the fiends are too scared to take the ride to the block or don't have a connect to call, and us in the know definitely exploit that. if it doesn't..
- steal. there are plenty of giant corporate chains that factor us junkies into their losses, so we exploit that. giant entertainment chain has a broken sensor in store a, so we grab video games, system accessories, dvd box sets, and small electronics, take them to alternate store, and sell them as used. you don't get nearly what they are individually worth, but it adds up, especially if there is more than one of you boosting.
there's another angle to this game, and it's a bit more personal. you can take advantage of family or friends, but nothing is more shameful. i won't say im completely innocent, but the times i did it was always family, and i always regretted it.
an additional angle is personal, but dealing with strangers. this is probably the most dangerous, since no one can ever gauge what a stranger is capable of. the bottom line is if your mind is set on feeling better, you will do what is necessary. so that unattended laptop at the coffeeshop, the bookbag full of textbooks by the bench, or that ipod you aren't paying attention to could walk off at any moment. just saying, you should pay attention to your valubles.
- scam. tell that kid at work that loves the oxycontin that you can get him a killer deal, but you need the money up front. better yet, tell the pussy kids you just got dope for that you got pulled over and had to get rid of it. what people should realize is that drugs are always a risk, and if you couldn't lose the money, you shouldn't be spending it so frivolously anyway.
your habit can serve as a healthy reminder to them.
- beg. tell your boss that your electricity is going out and get a loan till payday. tell your friends that you need to pay bills. shit, tell the ones you trust that you need to buy dope. this isn't very respectable, but its ends over means when this is your life.
if circumstances have led you to this tier of options, you are now several hours and fifties of phone calls into your day. because its not just you, its the entire network of junkies that are trying to get the same thing accomplished. if all has gone right though, your calling your boy and waiting outside the flea market. this step could be a deal breaker - heroin dealers are especially lazy and flaky.. the money comes pouring in for these guys, and since 90 percent of them dont use their product, you saying "hurry up, im sick" doesn't make a damn bit of difference to them. so there is always a chance that you did five hours of grinding just to end up hearing "i aint got nothing," "im busy for a few hours," or "meet me here," getting there, and not seeing the dude for half an hour, an hour, two hours, or not at all. or you could be dealt the most fatal of all blows, going to meet some sketchy hood kid that you've only dealt with a couple times, in a hood like third and franklin or riverside, and then get beat: handing your ninety dollars over for a bundle and getting 8 instead of 13, or getting a bunch of empties with two good bags on either end of the pack, or just getting a gun flashed at you and cussed at. shit is always possible. but if all goes according to plan, you're calling your regular guy, the smart one who drives and meets you a different places, waiting a couple minutes, saying hello and shaking a hand, and heading home to a spoon and a needle and the great relief of not having to worry about this for a few hours.. days even, if you worked hard. work. ha. maybe it worked out even better and you have enough for some chinese food, or some ritas, or gas for your ride, or cigarettes. more than likely, however, you spent that money on a few more bags, stole some tastycakes, garbaged a cup out of the panera trash and washed it, gave up a bag for gas, and collected shorts out of an ashtray. because who wants to just maintain? those extra bags mean you could actually get HIGH today. or not be sick in the morning.
i gotta get out of this place.
everyday i get the same phone calls, from people who don't believe its for good. and i know what they're thinking - any one of those phone calls could be the one where i just fold and say, "alright, let's go to the mall. i've already got twenty. who else is getting down?" i know because i used to make those calls and talk people out of retirement. all the time. because we all know, once you stop getting high, you stop having to play the game, and without the game to play, you get bored. out of a week, the game is like a full time job with plenty of overtime. and there are no days off. even if you work, and you start off being able to afford your habit, eventually your habit will outgrow your weekly budget, and then it will outgrow your whole check, your credit, your bank account, what your friends can lend you, and every other source of cash. then you have to play. and once you start playing, the game will outgrow your days off, then the hours after work, the hours before work, then you will be calling and saying your running late, until one day, you are dopesick and cant get out of bed and lose your job.
and its not like there isn't other things to do; there's plenty of stuff im into. records to listen to, books to read, teeshirts to make, instruments to play, food to eat, people to see. and i do those things. and enjoy them too.
but it's always in my head. like, "maybe i'd like heroin better than this."
more than anything else i've encountered in life, heroin is more than definite. no matter how committed and how clean for how long, there will always be a chance.
black and gray. all or something. yes or maybe.
i need something that dominates my existence. tour was like that. it swallowed the entire day, and there was no chance for my head or body to sneak away and get into trouble. or i need to be completely seperated from this place of the too-easy-to-survive mentality. i could be broke and homeless and still eat, drink, and have some fun, either the good or bad kind.
maybe if i surround myself with strangers in a strange place and dont have the old neighborhood to lean on, if i completely isolate myself from all the shortcuts i know, then the menial tasks of day to day living will become a challenge again and occupy me completely.. you know, turn the autopilot off.
i gotta do something, that's for sure.
its hard to deal with, especially without the daily hustle to get accomplished. i was talking the other day with someone i used to make it happen with about how many hours a week that are consumed just trying to get right.. and its amazing to discover that it isn't just the drug you're addicted to - its the life revolving around it.
a typical day with a strong heroin habit and an empty pocket would go as such:
- wake up and scrape empty bags.
- if you have full bags, do them.
- if you have money, count it and spend it.
- if you have a check, cash it and spend it.
- make phone calls to see who is doing what, who has what money/means to get money, and who has other obstacles to overcome, such as work, obligations with family/non-junkies, etc. this is an important step - the more money you spend at once, the better deals you get. plus, the more fiends involved, the more likely the math will end up benefitting you.
- make phone calls to people asking for loans.
- make phone calls to drug dealers asking for credit.
if it works out at this point, then great - its one more phone call, a drive to non-descript parking lot a, a ten to thirty minute wait, and windows down for a sing along ride home. and 3 days out of 7, it does. you have five friends that want two ten dollar bags a piece, you end up with four free ones. the math varies, but a lot of the fiends are too scared to take the ride to the block or don't have a connect to call, and us in the know definitely exploit that. if it doesn't..
- steal. there are plenty of giant corporate chains that factor us junkies into their losses, so we exploit that. giant entertainment chain has a broken sensor in store a, so we grab video games, system accessories, dvd box sets, and small electronics, take them to alternate store, and sell them as used. you don't get nearly what they are individually worth, but it adds up, especially if there is more than one of you boosting.
there's another angle to this game, and it's a bit more personal. you can take advantage of family or friends, but nothing is more shameful. i won't say im completely innocent, but the times i did it was always family, and i always regretted it.
an additional angle is personal, but dealing with strangers. this is probably the most dangerous, since no one can ever gauge what a stranger is capable of. the bottom line is if your mind is set on feeling better, you will do what is necessary. so that unattended laptop at the coffeeshop, the bookbag full of textbooks by the bench, or that ipod you aren't paying attention to could walk off at any moment. just saying, you should pay attention to your valubles.
- scam. tell that kid at work that loves the oxycontin that you can get him a killer deal, but you need the money up front. better yet, tell the pussy kids you just got dope for that you got pulled over and had to get rid of it. what people should realize is that drugs are always a risk, and if you couldn't lose the money, you shouldn't be spending it so frivolously anyway.
your habit can serve as a healthy reminder to them.
- beg. tell your boss that your electricity is going out and get a loan till payday. tell your friends that you need to pay bills. shit, tell the ones you trust that you need to buy dope. this isn't very respectable, but its ends over means when this is your life.
if circumstances have led you to this tier of options, you are now several hours and fifties of phone calls into your day. because its not just you, its the entire network of junkies that are trying to get the same thing accomplished. if all has gone right though, your calling your boy and waiting outside the flea market. this step could be a deal breaker - heroin dealers are especially lazy and flaky.. the money comes pouring in for these guys, and since 90 percent of them dont use their product, you saying "hurry up, im sick" doesn't make a damn bit of difference to them. so there is always a chance that you did five hours of grinding just to end up hearing "i aint got nothing," "im busy for a few hours," or "meet me here," getting there, and not seeing the dude for half an hour, an hour, two hours, or not at all. or you could be dealt the most fatal of all blows, going to meet some sketchy hood kid that you've only dealt with a couple times, in a hood like third and franklin or riverside, and then get beat: handing your ninety dollars over for a bundle and getting 8 instead of 13, or getting a bunch of empties with two good bags on either end of the pack, or just getting a gun flashed at you and cussed at. shit is always possible. but if all goes according to plan, you're calling your regular guy, the smart one who drives and meets you a different places, waiting a couple minutes, saying hello and shaking a hand, and heading home to a spoon and a needle and the great relief of not having to worry about this for a few hours.. days even, if you worked hard. work. ha. maybe it worked out even better and you have enough for some chinese food, or some ritas, or gas for your ride, or cigarettes. more than likely, however, you spent that money on a few more bags, stole some tastycakes, garbaged a cup out of the panera trash and washed it, gave up a bag for gas, and collected shorts out of an ashtray. because who wants to just maintain? those extra bags mean you could actually get HIGH today. or not be sick in the morning.
i gotta get out of this place.
everyday i get the same phone calls, from people who don't believe its for good. and i know what they're thinking - any one of those phone calls could be the one where i just fold and say, "alright, let's go to the mall. i've already got twenty. who else is getting down?" i know because i used to make those calls and talk people out of retirement. all the time. because we all know, once you stop getting high, you stop having to play the game, and without the game to play, you get bored. out of a week, the game is like a full time job with plenty of overtime. and there are no days off. even if you work, and you start off being able to afford your habit, eventually your habit will outgrow your weekly budget, and then it will outgrow your whole check, your credit, your bank account, what your friends can lend you, and every other source of cash. then you have to play. and once you start playing, the game will outgrow your days off, then the hours after work, the hours before work, then you will be calling and saying your running late, until one day, you are dopesick and cant get out of bed and lose your job.
and its not like there isn't other things to do; there's plenty of stuff im into. records to listen to, books to read, teeshirts to make, instruments to play, food to eat, people to see. and i do those things. and enjoy them too.
but it's always in my head. like, "maybe i'd like heroin better than this."
more than anything else i've encountered in life, heroin is more than definite. no matter how committed and how clean for how long, there will always be a chance.
black and gray. all or something. yes or maybe.
i need something that dominates my existence. tour was like that. it swallowed the entire day, and there was no chance for my head or body to sneak away and get into trouble. or i need to be completely seperated from this place of the too-easy-to-survive mentality. i could be broke and homeless and still eat, drink, and have some fun, either the good or bad kind.
maybe if i surround myself with strangers in a strange place and dont have the old neighborhood to lean on, if i completely isolate myself from all the shortcuts i know, then the menial tasks of day to day living will become a challenge again and occupy me completely.. you know, turn the autopilot off.
i gotta do something, that's for sure.