Rain of Feathers
Some time ago, sheer boredom inspired me to throw out one of those random requests... I wanted someone intriguing to come into my life--but in a non-personal way, like a frequent customer or something. Someone pretty to stare at over the shoulders of more irritating customers. Someone who would remain distant but could acknowledge my existence in a casual, "Oh hey, how are you, now to sell me this please..." sort of way.
And damn if these things don't come back and bite me in the ass.
Last time I sent out one of these little mental memos, it was "I'd like to know what I want." And it hit me some time later. Hard. It was a relief to know my deepest desire is relatively simple. It was devastating to realize it's pretty impossible for me to obtain just now.
But knowing is half the battle, right?
And then, ignoring the previous lesson that these requests get answered and the answers keep me up at night, I basically asked for someone to crush on, figuring crushes are harmless but entertaining. But I am *way* to old for crushes, folks. I'm way to old for a lot of things that make up my life, and I don't like to think about it. I never intended for this person to force me to think about it by being artistic and successful and reminding me how much creativity I have *not* been expressing or feeling lately. I didn't mean for this person, just by existing and seeming quite content with that existence, to send me into a spiral of, "What the hell am I doing with my life and where did all the real living go?"
But, I suppose, I did learn why I'm always tempted to run away and perhaps why I've been feeling trapped in a dead-end, meaningless existence.
Every time I start over somewhere new, I have a chance to be a different me--a me I like a little better for a while...
Just now I'm really sorry I didn't keep my promise to myself and get through grad school. I'm technically still enrolled in the MAPW program and I was enjoying it...
"So did you end up over-educated and unemployable like you said in the yearbook?"
And damn if these things don't come back and bite me in the ass.
Last time I sent out one of these little mental memos, it was "I'd like to know what I want." And it hit me some time later. Hard. It was a relief to know my deepest desire is relatively simple. It was devastating to realize it's pretty impossible for me to obtain just now.
But knowing is half the battle, right?
And then, ignoring the previous lesson that these requests get answered and the answers keep me up at night, I basically asked for someone to crush on, figuring crushes are harmless but entertaining. But I am *way* to old for crushes, folks. I'm way to old for a lot of things that make up my life, and I don't like to think about it. I never intended for this person to force me to think about it by being artistic and successful and reminding me how much creativity I have *not* been expressing or feeling lately. I didn't mean for this person, just by existing and seeming quite content with that existence, to send me into a spiral of, "What the hell am I doing with my life and where did all the real living go?"
But, I suppose, I did learn why I'm always tempted to run away and perhaps why I've been feeling trapped in a dead-end, meaningless existence.
Every time I start over somewhere new, I have a chance to be a different me--a me I like a little better for a while...
Just now I'm really sorry I didn't keep my promise to myself and get through grad school. I'm technically still enrolled in the MAPW program and I was enjoying it...
"So did you end up over-educated and unemployable like you said in the yearbook?"