Michael Gira. I Am Him
Excerpt
My wife has strong hands, but her fingers are elegant and supple. I often take each finger into my mouth and suck it. I’m consuming her, bringing her into me, and she brings me into her and consumes me also. As we kiss, her tongue searches my mouth and I suck that gently too. Her salvia is effervescent and clear, a magic solution that dissolves and mingles with mine. I drink it down. As it travels through my throat and diffuses into my body, I feel healed, and purely, senselessly alive. Each molecule, each atom, each nucleus of our bodies - now one body, one being - is individually charged with our love, and we feel each one flare and rupture separately and distinctly and concurrently. At times, our lovemaking can extend for hours, and in the course of these sessions we’re slowly transformed from inside ourselves by this light, until our bodies are no longer our bodies. We are a strange and benevolent creature, suspended in the glittering cosmos of our room. The stars, and the numberless, infinitesimal granules of the universe, shudder and laugh inside us and through us as we explore the beauty of God’s mind, as he thinks us. Our respective sexes are irrelevant. We fuse in myriad ways according to the flow of our curiosity that animates us and charges the particles of our being with desire. Our desire is selfless and originates in a place before words, before conscious thought, and we don’t question it or give it a name. This selfless love permeates our every mundane interaction throughout our days. We share our ambitions, out memories, and our secret fears, without reservation or judgement. We’re supportive when one of us fails, and we’re quick to soothe when one of us erupts in anger or grief. We are poignantly aware of our mortality, and we endeavor to each moment with an awareness of the urgency of our experience, in the full light of encroaching death. Death doesn’t frighten us inordinately, since we hold a special comfort in the spiritual union we share, and the role that one or both of us will assume in ushering the other into the unknown. Or souls are intertwined forever… Why then for no reason at all, do I feel myself suddenly and helplessly compelled to strangle her?